Archive for the ‘Jay Cutler’ Category


When you first heard about Jay Cutler proposing to Kristin Cavallari for the second time through a text message and then mailing the ring to his bride-to-be, you believed every word of this elaborate tale of laziness and not caring. It is, after all, the most Cutler way to express love.

What can Brown do for you? Deliver wedded bliss, of course.

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Sometimes we can have it both ways. This Packers fan’s take on the struggles of the eminently memeable Bears Quartback is accurate  — and quite funny. On the other hand buying a hated rival’s jersey for trolling purposes says a lot about you. The broiest of all bros.


The human body was designed to do many things, some of which aren’t appropriate for a sometimes R rated but mostly PG blog (my mom thinks I’m cool). But one thing we’ve learned through testing: it’s not structured to sustain this kind of punishment repeatedly…

That’s our friend Jay Cutler. Notice the bend of his neck directly backwards. Necks do indeed bend backwards, just not all the way back like that, and not at the force of a large human, while another large human has a firm death grip on your legs. This hurts.

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For the first time since time began, we’re all really happy to see Jay Cutler. Not because he’s set to individually save fantasy seasons, although he’s still a fine backup quarterback in standard leagues, and if Ben Roethlisberger owners are still desperate, you could do much, much worse.

No, we’re happy to see smokin’ Cutler and his chronic apathy because he’s so very important to the fantasy relevance of two other members of the Bears offense. Cutler leads our list of the remaining notable actives and inactives in today’s eight early games.

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You might not care to acknowledge it since you hate Jay Cutler so passionately, but you need him this week. You need him badly.

Not because you intend to start him, because if you’re in a standard league (i.e. not a two-QB league) and you’re starting Cutler in the second last week of the regular season for many leagues, you have an unquenchable thirst for anguish. No, you need him because you own Brandon Marshall, and with Jason Campbell under center Monday night he was only targeted four times after averaging 11 targets per game prior to Week 11. In fairness, Campbell was running around like a chicken who had its head severed, grew another one, and had it maliciously bludgeoned too. Still, even that’s not a sufficient excuse for a decline of seven targets.

Breathe easy, friend, because Jason La Canfora would like to continue the generous spreading of holiday cheer.

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No Cutler for you

It’s been quite the day for news that’s not remotely surprising yet it still causes us grave concern. First, Michael Vick was officially ruled out this morning, which did little other than remind us that Michael Vick hadn’t already been ruled out. And now the next hammer has fallen on the four battered quarterbacks from last Sunday.

Jay Cutler has also been officially ruled out for this week due to his concussion, according to the Bears’ official Twitter account.

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To the surprise of no one, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler did not practice today after suffering a concussion Sunday night against the Texans.

Cutler, who usually addresses the media on a Wednesday during a standard week, did not address the media today, even after the Bears changed the schedule. They instead had two defensive players talk today (Urlacher and Melton) with Cutler and Brandon Marshall – the usual suspects on the offensive side – expected to talk with media tomorrow. The Bears, however, failed to officially announce who would speak Friday, leaving many wondering the status of Cutler for their Monday night matchup against the San Francisco 49ers.

Coach Lovie Smith had this small update after practice:

“There is not a whole lot I can say. He is getting better”

If Cutler can’t go, Jason Campbell will assume the starter’s role against a tough 49ers defense. San Francisco ranks third overall in the league allowing only 292.1 yards per game, but more importantly, rank second in the NFL allowing 209.9 yards per game in the air. No Cutler will make the Bears one-dimensional, so if the 49ers can stop the run, Campbell will likely throw the ball more than coach Lovie Smith would like. In his career, Campbell has thrown 50 interceptions in 75 games.

Last week, Campbell completed 11 passes in 19 attempts for 94 yards, with 45 of those coming on a long-bomb to Marshall.