Archive for the ‘Kansas City Chiefs’ Category

Also, God hates Kansas City.

Chiefs fans were given exactly what they wanted, and what they wanted was to have a failed quarterback (Brady Quinn) replace their failing quarterback (Matt Cassel). Everything was going as horribly as expected during Quinn’s first start under the unquestioned starter tag — and more than just an injury replacement — with his interception after just four pass attempts, and his one (ONE) passing yard on said four attempts against the Raiders. Since Oakland employs Carson Palmer, no more than nine people should be watching this game.

But the Quinn nightmare has likely ended abruptly, the same way that Cassel’s own dark dreams began a few weeks ago. It was Cassel and not Quinn who came out for the Chiefs’ first drive of the second quarter. That’s because Quinn can’t play quarterback when he’s getting his brain examined.

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The formula is pretty simple. Take a bunch of related, easily-Googled images, and string them together for the length of a song. Then you have a video montage, and if nothing else, we know time goes faster in a montage.

They’re everywhere on the Internetz, ruining perfectly good pictures and pairing them with appropriately horrendous songs. But today, on a day when Brady Quinn seriously, really became relevant in the NFL again and was named the Chiefs starter to replace Matt Cassell, we need a warrior anthem.

Thankfully, some hero out there made this.

They’re out to get you, better leave while you can
Don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it

You have to show them that you’re really not scared
You’re playin’ with your life, this ain’t no truth or dare
They’ll kick you, then they beat you,
Then they’ll tell you it’s fair
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

What a man, what a legend.

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We’re trendy, although we’re still not quite sure what a Gangnam Style is. However, we know our fantasy fashion, and the rises and falls of Week 3′s Sunday thus far.

Jamaal Charles? He’s looking like a huge hit this fall. Justin Blackmon? He’ll soon go the way of go-go boots and helicopter pants. Dammit, I miss you so much, MC Hammer. I miss your scent, and I miss your touch.

Oh, yeah. Early games were played, and there were story lines and such.

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Over three preseason games Julio Jones had 13 catches for 240 yards.

Arrowhead is going to be full of screaming Chiefs fans on Sunday afternoon, and the Chiefs defensive backs are going to have their hands full when Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons passing attack take the field. Ryan is more dangerous than ever under the guidance of new offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter, who has a fascination with throwing the deep ball, while the Chiefs break in a new player and return a starter to create what promises to be a very interesting matchup in week 1.

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The fantasy owner is a very instinctive, reactionary creature. Often, the more conservative among us need to be reassured that everything will fall into place as expected, and our predetermined narrative for the season will play out in a beautifully choreographed theatrical performance.

What results is a hopeless quest for certainty in a game where there is none. That’s why as speculation continues to build that there will be a nearly even 50-50 split between Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis in the Kansas City backfield, Charles owners are breaking out in cold sweats while clutching a bottle filled with alcoholic nectar.

We were all aware that a time share would be coming in KC, especially after Charles’ ACL tear early last season that will likely prompt the need for caution this year. But surely the split would still favor the running back who’s only one year removed from having 1,935 all-purpose yards, 1,467 of which came on the ground.

Not so, says the Kansas City Star’s Adam Teicher, who spoke with Mike Florio during yesterday’s PFT Live and said that the platoon will be close to an even split in carries “in a perfect world”.

“They intend to get these guys a similar amount of work,” he added, also saying that the Chiefs’ total rushing attempts for the year should hover around 500.

You just spent a third-round pick on Charles, so this may trigger your face-to-palm reflex. It shouldn’t.

Charles isn’t a volume runner, and he isn’t a goal-line runner either. Even if the ideal scenario comes to fruition and he doesn’t struggle with his knee and he comes even remotely close to repeating his 2010 season, you didn’t draft him as a scorer. You drafted him to be an efficient yardage compiler, and that’s what he’ll do, even with a straight split with Hillis. In fact, Hillis will help Charles’ numbers by keeping him fresh.

Consider the 2010 season, and Thomas Jones’ role. Jones also had a fine season alongside Charles, finishing with 896 yards. How many carries did he receive? 245. Charles led the league in rushing yards while averaging an incredible 6.4 yards per carry, and adding 468 more yards through the air, although despite those gaudy yardage numbers he only scored eight times.

And how many carries did he get that year? 230. Yep, less than Jones.

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After Doc died, Little Mac just didn't have the heart to keep boxing. So he joined the Packers...he also grew three feet and lifted all of the weights.

NFL training camps are a grueling test of a man’s will to succeed at the ultimate athletic level. Jobs are won and lost on the torn-up turf of practice fields, as rookies try to assert themselves and crack a lineup, and aging veterans struggle to stay relevant.

It’s during these grinding times that we should all try to find some humor, and something to make us smile amid the chaos of two-a-days and 300-pound behemoths pushing tackling sleds while coaches curse and scream clichés between whistle screeches.

Seriously, though, this was just a roundabout way of saying I found some training camp pictures and I decided to attempt writing hilarious captions.

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We’ve talked a lot about Mike Wallace, and his useless strategy of not playing football and turning down a contract offer that was very similar to the one that was in turn handed to Antonio Bryant by the Steelers front office. Chiefs wideout Dwayne Bowe is in a somewhat similar situation, but the difference is that he was given the franchise tag, while Wallace is a restricted free agent.

The effect of the two designations is the same in one sense. The team possesses nearly all the leverage in contract talks, while the player is faced with an ultimatum: either sign your fully guaranteed one-year contract that includes zero long-term security if you’re injured, or don’t play. If the player chooses option No. 2, he’ll be missed, but most often the team can find a way to get by just fine thanks. That’s the cold, calculating nature of NFL front offices, where one snap of a bone prompts the desire to escort the ailing horse out to pasture, and bring in the next stud to be abused.

But the difference with Bowe is monetary, and it’s a big one. While Wallace’s RFA tender is $2.7 million, as a franchise wide receiver Bowe is entitled to $9.5 million. To put that number in perspective, Marques Colston will be paid $1.2 million in 2012, and he finished just behind Bowe in receiving yards last year (Bowe was 13th with 1,159, while Colston was 14th with 1,143).

Yet Bowe is still absent from camp presumably to protest the lack of a long-term deal attached to his name, and it’s difficult to understand why. No, it’s impossible to understand why.

The deadline to sign franchised players to long-term deals came and went in late June, and Bowe wasn’t able to reach an agreement with the Chiefs. Surely this caused great anger and possibly resentment. Surely he’s sad, confused, lonely, and lost. But now his only choices are to either sign that tender and post the best numbers possible to ensure that he finally gets a lucrative deal next March, or to sit, sulk, and watch his value rapidly depreciate.

So far, he’s choosing option No. 2, but that won’t last long, according to Jim Trotter’s sources:

I’m told, however, there is virtually no chance that Bowe will pass up game checks that amount to $559,000 a week. He skipped offseason workouts while hoping to land a multi-year deal, so he could be behind when he finally reports. The Chiefs have a new offensive coordinator and new playbook; how long that will take him to get up to speed — and how severely his absence might limit his effectiveness — are questions no one can answer.

Pursuing the Vincent Jackson strategy of sitting out until Week 10 seems like a pretty poor choice since the Chiefs are set to lean heavily on the running game again after the addition of Peyton Hillis and with a healthy Jamaal Charles back. Tight end Tony Moeacki is also returning and he now has Kevin Boss as a running mate, and second-year wideout Jonathan Baldwin will continue his maturation.

With the weapons available to Kansas City’s offense, Bowe needs to return, and return soon, because missing significant regular-season time could be painful for his future bank statements. The offense will quickly move on and his production will suffer, along with his value on the open market.
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