I knew Martellus Bennett before he was a black unicorn. He was first a professional Cowboy, struggling to live up to expectations in his first four years for a variety of reasons, some of which included poor training and misuse. He then swapped outfits to become a Giant, where he finally produced and parlayed a big year — 626 yards, five touchdowns, and wonderful run blocking — into a $20 million contract with the Chicago Bears.
Annnd we’re off.
Free agency has officially been open for three entire minutes, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, we already have our first signing. Rotoworld’s Mike Clay was the first to report that Martellus Bennett will be joining the Bears.
Then shortly after, Martellus Bennett was nice enough to report that Martellus Bennett will be joining the Bears.
I’m proud to say I’ll be joining my other brother @bmarshall next season. #BEARDOWN
— Martellus Bennett (@JoeGryffindor) March 12, 2013
Bennett signed a four-year, $20 million contract. After finishing with 626 receiving yards during his one-year stint with the Giants, Bennett fills a major hole on a Bears offense that’s been devoid of a tight end presence of any significance since Greg Olsen left. Last year, Kellen Davis and Matt Spaeth combined for just 257 yards.
This started to do laps around the web’s interconnecting tubes yesterday, but it’s dripping with so much awesome that I had to pass it along in all of its animated glowing snot glory in case you haven’t seen Martellus Bennett’s latest black unicorn unleashing.
Please recall last week when we learned that after the Giants’ win over Green Bay, Bennett cradled the life of a fan in his hands after a man fell over a railing. No, you’re an exaggeration.
In a video produced by NOC TV, Bennett tells his tale of heroism that started when he just wanted to give a pair of gloves to an octopus kid.
“I’ve always been a black unicorn, because I’m 50 percent black and 50 percent amazing. I was about six or seven when I figured out I was amazing, and I was about 24 when I figured out I was black”
From a lot of places, but mostly Sports Crackle Pop, so thanks!
Martellus Bennett is more than just a tight end, and he’s more than just a man. He’s everyone, everywhere, all the time. He is the all-seeing entity who watches over your safety, and the angel who’s there to save those who stumble.
No seriously. I mean that last part literally.
Before I begin, I’ll remind you that I prefer my crow steamed, not baked. Actually, I’d rather not eat crow at all if given a choice for my shame meal, and instead I’d like to be served a plate of guppies, the fish world’s answer to the pigeon.
With that pre-prediction cowering out of the way, let’s begin the Martellus Bennett pumping.
It‘s common for people to compare themselves to someone noteworthy when trying to describe their actions or personality. A charitable person might liken themselves to Mother Teresa, or a successful person may fancy themselves a regular Parker Lewis. As we all know, Parker Lewis can’t lose.
New York Giants tight end Martellus Bennett is everyone, or at least by the end of the week he’ll have compared himself to everyone, living or dead. By the end of the first day of training camp he had already likened his personal plight to both Ghandi and Kim Kardashian, two names that have probably only been put in the same sentence one other time in the history of the universe.
According to this tweet by ESPN-NY Giants writer Ohm Youngmisuk, Bennett has matured beyond comparing himself to mere human beings, and is now a full-blown mythical creature.
So if offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride is Dumbledore and Bennett is a black unicorn (which means that movie The Last Unicorn is a filthy lie), is there any limit to who or what Martellus Bennett can be?
We don’t think so.
