Archive for the ‘Quoting’ Category

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Darnell Dockett has had a pretty eventful week, which makes this week like most Darnell Dockett weeks. First, he unveiled a new mask, showing the world that he is, in fact, a blorgon.

Now, he’s used his favorite social media platform (no, not the one which allowed him to shower in front of the entire Internet) to tell us why he truly enjoys football. Something about violence, and hurting people.

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We’ve always known this to be true about defensive players, especially those in the trenches who get to deal out the most concussions pain. But to see it expressed so openly — and randomly — like this is just so…Darnell Dockett.

Maybe Dockett is just being pragmatic here, because football is indeed one of the few occupations in which inflicting bodily harm is morally acceptable. Of course, one day office jails everywhere will hire Terry Tate-like brutes to increase productivity, and all retired football players will have a new outlet for their bodily harm urges.

Oh also, I think we’ve found the NFL’s new marketing slogan. Something like “The NFL: where bodily harm to an individual is morally acceptable”. Yeah, we’ll work on it.

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Today has been a day of discovery, and we’ve learned so much about the coaches of the NFL and what they’re passionate about. Specifically, Pete Carroll is a strong supporter of the American military, but he may or may not believe 9/11 was a real thing. Alright then.

Meanwhile, new Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians has another matter he feels strongly about, and he had a rather interesting way of articulating his views:

That’s his stance on pre-practice stretching, which seems like an odd opinion for a man who leads a group of athletes. I’m far removed from my days as a world class Skee Ball player, but I believe it’s customary for athletes to stretch prior to strenuous exercise, and get the muscles they use to do crazy amazing things properly limber.

This is why most teams presumably have an organized stretching period before practice, because dedicating a few minutes to doing snow angels on the field is a pretty easy preventative maintenance measure to avoid hammy pulls and other such strains.

Arians will not tolerate that nonsense. Stretch on your own time, Cardinals peasants.

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Freedom. That’s what Jamaal Charles has now.

He’s unshackled and unhinged, or at least one of those things. He’ll run wildly into the Sunday wilderness, with child-like euphoria on every snap. Honestly, he may even mentally revert into being a tiny child, bouncing with exuberance because there’s a lollipop in the end zone. Everything is new for Charles, and a lot of large numbers are possible.

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Earlier this week we prayed at the gold statue that is Lamar Miller, noting that he has a very real chance to provide you with something sacred: good running back value, the kind that doesn’t cost you several limbs. That slobbering was prompted by Ryan Tannehill saying some nice things about our boy Lamar, namely that he’s risen to pretty much become the Dolphins’ unquestioned starting running back ahead of Daniel Thomas.

Now we can attach a number to the production Miller expects to give us, and it’s a beautiful thing to gaze upon and worship.

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I just realized that it’s been seven whole days since the last time we posted a Robert Griffin III update of any kind, and that ain’t right. During this offseason, that’s criminal.

So, where you at now, oh savior of all fantasy quarterbacking production?

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Chris Johnson is still in denial

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Chris Johnson has high hopes and grand ambitions, which means he’s ahead of me I suppose. He’s not just the man, but the man with every plan.

He has goals he seeks to meet and surpass, and really, don’t we all? The problem with Johnson is that — for both him, and for the rest of us — it would be nice if he took the advice of every high school guidance councillor to heart, and set goals that are both challenging, and attainable. It would also be nice if he didn’t crush the soul of every fantasy owner who bites on his speed, and general sexiness.

What I’m saying here, Chris, is to please refrain from teasing us with your 2,000-yard goals. Oh, too late.

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No Mike, you’re doing it wrong.

Two weeks ago we all had a hearty chuckle when word surfaced that Michael Vick — a quarterback who runs a whole lot, and is therefore subjected to tacklers in the open field who want to strip the ball from his hands more often — has only now learned how to properly hold and secure a football thanks to the teachings and wisdom of Chip Kelly. He fumbled 11 times in 2012 over just the nine games he appeared in before getting injured, and going forward the frequency of those turnovers will now be minimized. In theory.

Vick has been practicing with his new-found grasp of a core football skill for a bit now, and he elaborated on his lack of knowledge prior to Kelly. Before reading the quote below, I’d like to remind you that this fall Vick will enter his 11th season as a professional quarterback, and prior to that he spent two years at Virginia Tech, one of which ended with his Hokies playing in the National Championship game while he finished third in the Heisman voting.

Alright, you may now continue.

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