Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

The NFL draft comes your way this week, meaning 254 lucky players will have their names called and get the opportunity to shake the hand of Roger Goodell while posing with a blank jersey. There are 119 Division I football teams in the NCAA, which means there are over 10,000 college football players out there, which means there are roughly 20,000 parents responsible for naming children, which means there are hundreds of opportunities for there to be kids born with names that are fun to read and say out loud.

Like many things in life, finding fun names is ultimately a numbers game, and nothing in sports can compare to the number of prospects entered into the NFL Draft. Yours truly scoured the Top-1,000 athletes that have declared themselves draft eligible and whittled it down to the Top 100 Names Entered in the 2013 NFL Draft.

This year’s list is organized in order of which fictional Key & Peele “East/West College Bowl” player they resemble best. If you aren’t familiar with the sketch, enjoy the video and join me after the jump for the countdown.

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Soon-to-be free agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha plans to sign with the New York Jets, according to the Facebook page of a man named Anthony DiMario.

DiMario, who graduated from Everest College in 2006 and currently works for Nelsons Auto Repair in Hoboken, NJ, reports that “Asomuga (sic) is comin to the JETS baby! and then we’re gonna win it all!”

DiMario, 26, had previously reported that “the J-E-T-S dominate the (expletive) world, bitches” and “the Pats can blow me.”

DiMario, whose relationship status is complicated, is reportedly interested in friendship and dating. His religious views are “American,” and his political views are “Protestaint.”

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Dez Bryant has gone too far

Actual headline.

Dez Bryant has gone too far.

NFL players are not the best behaved bunch, but they’ve avoided major catastrophes ever since Rae Carruth capped the 1990s by murdering his pregnant girlfriend. In fact, we’ve gone more than 10 years since a player was last arrested for murder (and the charges against Ray Lewis were dropped — he was only guilty of obstruction of justice … in a murder).

Okay, there have been a few bad apples. Adam “Pacman” Jones probably shouldn’t have (allegedly) grabbed that Vegas stripper’s hair and slammed her head on the stage after she attempted to collect the dollar bills he threw at her, considering that — you know — Jones was on probation. And it’s safe to say that Jones was slightly wrong in (allegedly) allowing a member of his entourage to return to the strip club with a gun in hand, firing on three and paralyzing one.

And there was Tank Johnson and his guns, Michael Vick and his dogs, Plaxico Burress and his concealed weapon, Matt Jones and his cocaine, a drunk Donte Stallworth and his car, Larry Johnson and his ex-girlfriend and a few other cases of less than ideal behaviour.

Boys will be boys.

But by having the nerve to associate himself with people who wear their pants below their asses in public, even if he himself was wearing his pants at a regular level, Bryant has gone overboard.

Did Bryant and his entourage not consider that there were likely women and small children and even old people at NorthPark Mall in Dallas, where the rookie Cowboys receiver has been banned for 90 days after an undercover police officer was forced to ask Bryant’s friends to pull up their pants?

It’s unthinkable that Bryant surrounds himself with the type of people that would reply to such a request by using profane language. But it happened. And Stephen A. Smith is rightfully pissed:

…If he continues to behave the way he reportedly behaved at the NorthPark Center mall this past weekend, that stigma will be the kind of permanent fixture on his profile destined to cost him big-time dollars, and possibly his burgeoning career with the Cowboys.

We’re yet to hear any accounts from traumatized families, likely because they fear what might happen to them if they go to the cops or speak to the media about the horrifying incident.

But by all indications, this was not Bryant’s first offense at the mall.

“Retailers at the prestigious North Dallas mall characterize Bryant as a playful, friendly, sometimes loud but definitely loyal customer.”

That’s right. “Sometimes loud.” This is a shopping plaza, Dez, not a frat house.

“He was here when he was in the wheel chair doing wheelies in the mall,” said a source.

Pro athletes just think they’re invincible. Bryant, who according to a mall parking attendant would only “tip 40 or 50 bucks every time,” will now be forced to stay away from the shopping center for three months, which is probably good for all involved.

Except the store owners, who reportedly made thousands off of Bryant. And Dallas football fans who care to meet and get autographs from punks like him.

Onion on Pro Bowl ads

No one watches the Pro Bowl. And I mean no one. I’m football obsessed. It’s my job and my passion, but I guarantee you I won’t watch one play Sunday. Football is not the kind of sport that works as an exhibition. Intensity is a requirement. That’s why it’s safe to assume that advertisers don’t care much for the Pro Bowl. The Onion took that to the bank in their latest gem…