Archive for the ‘Virtual fantasy’ Category

I just spent several minutes yelling at a video game. This isn’t abnormal behavior, as playing Madden 13 can sometimes become a borderline violent experience for me. However, this wasn’t healthy because A) I wasn’t playing and B) I was in public, and other people were present. And watching. And slowly moving away.

For much of this simulation, Joe Flacco was typical Joe Flacco. He threw three interceptions, and balanced that out with two touchdowns. On one of those TDs he had about nine years in the pocket to stand and wait, then wait again, and then wait some more before unloading a 44-yard deep ball to Jacoby Jones with less than 20 seconds left in the first half. He then followed that up with a pick six to Navorro Bowman on a check down to the flats. So Flacco.

And then…ZOMG TORREY SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!@#&!!!!!!!

Just watch, and then we’ll all resume yelling together. Oh and also, check out our still very new and shiny Franchise Mode blog where this sim first appeared, and where Scott Johnson satiates all your moving picture virtual needs. Yes, I’ll forever be a shameless plugger.

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When the Ravens and Patriots met earlier this year in Week 3, the final score was 31-30 in favor of Baltimore. When they met almost exactly a year ago during the 2012 AFC Championship game, the final score was 23-20, this time in favor of Tom Brady’s freedom fighters. When they met in Week 6 of the 2010 regular season, New England won 23-20. Of the recent games between the two rivals, only the 2009 Wild Card Weekend meeting was decisive in either direction, with Baltimore winning 33-14. Earlier during that season there was a game that conformed: a Week 4 27-21 Patriots win.

Look upon those numbers again, and look hard. Note their close proximity on the scoreboard. Of the five most recent Ravens-Patriots meetings, three of them have been decided by a field goal or less, and there was a margin of more than a touchdown in only one game. So why, Madden? Why are you doing us like this? On the second most important weekend of the season, our virtual predictor box has foretold that we’ll all witness the worst game in the history of this rivalry.

Don’t worry, guys, and especially you, Vince Wilcock. The Madden oracle was way off last week with its Pats prediction. Still, what a jerk.

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For its latest trick, this week Madden made no attempt whatsoever to acknowledge reality. This makes sense, I suppose, because it’s a video game. But it could have at least played along for a little bit, making us think the predicted events could actually happen. We need to believe.

A few examples of the forthcoming lunacy:

  • Broncos tight end Joel Dreessen had a 63-yard catch and run for a touchdown. What’s wrong with that? He’s scored only once since Week 10, he’s averaging just 22.2 yards per game, and his longest catch of the year was a 30 yarder.
  • Deon Butler — the Seahawks’ fifth receiver (maybe) — had only six catches during the regular season for a total of 51 yards. So of course he had a 65-yard touchdown reception when the Seahawks were senselessly passing with three zeros on the clock in the fourth quarter, and Atlanta out of timeouts.
  • Patriots linebacker Brandon Spikes had only the second interception of his career, and his first pick six. Also in that game, Stevan Ridley had a 40-yard score, missing his season-high run by one yard.

So what we’ve learned from Madden this week is this: if you’re the prop betting type, and you’ve landed in a dark corner of the Internet where there’s a wager involving Deon Butler, throw down at least four paychecks. Also, take the over in the 49ers-Packers and Patriots-Texans games.

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The only moment of happiness for virtual Aaron Rodgers.

Jim Nantz and Phil Simms have mastered teleportation. Share the force, guys.

The CBS duo went rogue and disregarded all television rights while calling every playoff game this weekend in our Madden 13 sims. Just total badasses.

If Madden is correct — and Madden is always correct — then the Packers’ post-season will be brief again, the Bengals will pull off the upset, and the Colts will push Baltimore to overtime.

Four games, four sims, and four road-team wins. Yep, everything is happening.

We don’t mess around, and as always the virtual fun is brought to you by the editing work of Scott Johnson, our social media man who treated us to some ballin’ retro arcade beats this time around. Suddenly I have the urge to play Madden 95 with its fuzzy pixels and single graphic dimension.

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The Thursday night schedule this year has often provided us with entertainment that’s on par with a day which consists of a dentist appointment, followed by a trip to see the in-laws. Or worse, visiting your in-laws, and one of them is also a dentist.

The coma-inducing blowout games have far outnumber the few that have provided real, genuine entertainment, as we’ve been blessed with a 36-7 Giants win over the Panthers, and most recently the Broncos’ 26-13 pwning of Oakland. If we could just ban the AFC West with the exception of Denver from playing in primetime games, that would be swell.

If our Madden predictor is correct, you should find something else to do tonight. Anything really. Go balance spoons, or take your cat for a walk.

Any other activity would be a far better use of time, because you’ll never get those three hours back.

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Throughout the season our Madden Nostradamus has given us many bits of wisdom, all of which come from the video game machine’s inner oracle powers. No doubt you’ve used every one of them for your Thursday night fantasy decisions, including starting Kevin Ogletree in Week 1. If we can’t trust a video game, I’m not sure that I can live in this world anymore.

But this week’s sim led us to a strong conclusion. Namely, START DARREN MCFADDEN TONIGHT.

We (and by that I mean Scott Johnson, our Madden maestro) usually do this sim on Wednesday mornings, because despite all appearances to the contrary, there’s some degree of preparation required to produce most of the content which appears on this Internet writing space. So we sometimes have to make a very educated guess about injury statuses, and the expected workload of players who may be playing in a limited capacity.

It’s Week 14, and that process hasn’t taken a big bite our of our collective asses yet. That ends now.

We knew Darren McFadden would most likely, almost definitely play this week, but prior to doing this sim exactly how much work he would receive remained uncertain. So we went conservative, and kept Marcel Reece slotted in. And whatever, because McFadden will bust a body part on his second carry tonight anyway.

What Madden then told us through Reece is that you need to start Raiders running back X in all fantasy lineups.

Use your imagination while watching the virtual reality below (*head asplodes*), and pretend Reece is McFadden It really doesn’t matter, because either way Madden’s message is clear. The Raiders running back who’s the starting running back is a running back that you need on your roster tonight.

Yeah, that just happened. The Raiders beat the Broncos 20-3. Madden cares little for your facts and history, and the Broncos’ real-life spanking of the Raiders earlier this year in Week 4, winning 37-6.

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Physics. I know it as a concept, but a science-y guy, I am not. It makes roller coasters do really cool loops and twists and turns and stuff, and it makes things bounce. Also, it led to Keith Hernandez’s saliva landing on both Kramer and Newman. The same saliva from the same spit.

Truly magical.

Physics exist in virtual reality too, and especially in virtual football. We know this because the Madden 13 developers tell anyone who desires to listen. It’s on every game box, and in every commercial. Ball bounces and tackles that would occur in real life are replicated to appear virtually, the same as they would in reality.

That also applies to massive praying heaves with less than 10 seconds left in overtime that go off of William Moore’s hand, then his helmet, then maybe his foot, and then into Marques Colston’s hands to set up a game-winning field that required a 30-yard sprint to spike the ball with one second left. No, it especially applies to massive praying heaves with less than 10 seconds left in overtime that go off of William Moore’s hand, then his helmet, then maybe his foot, and then into Marques Colston’s hands to set up a game-winning field that required a 30-yard sprint to spike the ball with one second left.

Best. Madden sim. Ever.

It’s NSFW, only because you’ll lose the respect of your superiors because of your intense, frame-by-frame analysis of a virtual catch. Grab your…just grab something tight, and hit play.

Alright, indulge me for a second, because I need to let something out: FASDIFOAIOAFNAUIFNAWUIF

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