Archive for the ‘What the hell?’ Category

Thanksgiving Day football is special. Toss in the gluttonous gorging with the profanity directed at a glowing box and uncle Jimmy’s tales of his illegal Cuban cigar operation, and nothing says togetherness like nine hours of football. If you can think of anything more American than eating animals and watching football, dammit, you ain’t no ‘Merican (note: I too am not an American, but I know some and they’re nice people).

Even if the results are sometimes less than entertaining (see: last year’s Patriots-Jets game), the pageantry and the spotlight on these three games on this one day makes the memories vivid. They really do glow in my memory, as football and turkey are mashed together each year in an iconic slice of Americana.

Why, let’s just look back over the past few years, and I’ll show you what I mean. Here’s exactly how I remember recent Thanksgiving Day football.

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No really, it’s all happening. Two of the fastest humans in the NFL raced against the world’s fastest animal. Between this and having fish eat his dead skin, Chris Johnson became quite close with the greater animal community this offseason.

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Lately (and unintentionally) I’ve been starting mornings off around here with a little dose of some funny. Partly because all work and no play make Sean go something something, and mostly because I enjoy fun. Oh and also, this heat which could probably melt a human is likely having an effect of some kind too.

But ANYWAY, on this particular morning my motivation is much simpler (I think). When Anchorman 2 and football collide, posting is mandatory. So please, enjoy this mashup from Hogs Haven

smokin jay

We mostly know Jay Cutler as being two things: a Chicago Bears quarterback, and a man who looks like he gives very few craps about anything. Sometimes he’s both of those things at the same time.

The latter Cutler character has given us some hilarity, most notably when he expressed his displeasure using profane sign language while walking his teacup-sized dog. There’s also smokin’ Jay Cutler, and that time he sat idly by while bros took pictures of his future wife’s hind region. All apathy at its finest.

So when Cutler and said wife Kristin Cavallari took on the talk show circuit to promote an 80′s party they’re hosting as a fundraiser for the Cutler Foundation, it was assumed that more boredom-based comedy would be found in abundance. That seemed inevitable when Cutler found himself on a couch with a gaggle of gossipy women, as he did below on something called Access Hollywood.

But then a remarkable thing happened: Cutler showed that he’s a real human boy. He’s just a guy who watches re-runs of Laguna Beach and The Hills, that’s all.

Thanks, Bear Goggles On

Yesterday, the Cincinnati Bengals signed Carlos Dunlap to a long-term extension, securing the defensive end for the next six years at the tidy sum of $40 million. He’s only 24 years old, and he’s therefore long from his peak. So if he plays through the life of the contract at this rate (both unlikely things due to possible injury and the desire for a restructured deal if he outperforms the contract…but hey, work with me here), the Bengals are receiving a pretty sweet bargain with his average annual earnings at only $6.7 million.

That number is slightly more than what Sammy Baugh made in 1940…

sammy baugh

The hall of fame quarterback’s contract he signed 73 years ago was shared on the Interwebs by the Redskins yesterday. Yes, there’s some degree of inflation at play here, but with the dollars tossed around now every March, it’s still a little staggering to think there was a time in human existence when a whole dollar was the going rate for football employment.

If you look close at the fine print, Baugh didn’t even receive that dollar in its entirely immediately after each game. He was paid 75 cents after the game, and the remaining 25 cents at the end of the season. Oh, and would you like to be paid for those meaningless exhibition games, Mr. Baugh? Ha, the more things change, the more they something something.

Strange things happen when fans attend training camp. Or at least I assume as much, because a few years ago a woman suffered a third-degree burn when she sat too long on a seat which was extracted from hell, and now Falcons fans will have the chance to inflict bodily harm on themselves with this…

falcons sandwich

That’s the yet nameless culinary killer the Falcons are introducing during training camp starting on July 25 for the bargain sum of $5. Nothing says ‘Merica like breaking up your several hours of watching football practice in sizzling July heat with pulled pork, mac and cheese, bacon, a lump of coleslaw, and onion rings, all tucked gloriously into a bun.

That’s some next level, pioneer stuff right there. Also, death.

It’s rare that we get the chance to start a day or a week with some deep philosophy. And by rare, I mean never, so this is a truly historic moment provided by Jaguars second-round pick Johnathan Cyprien.

It’s fitting too, because as a rookie Cyprien just recently finished a draft period of being in this sentence: “Cyprien is really the next Player X”. No, we are all the next us, and therefore, we are all Johnathan Cyprien.