When the Vikings spent a fifth-round pick on punter Jeff Locke two months ago, the end was near for Chris Kluwe in Minnesota, mostly because carrying two punters on your roster is sort of like having a surplus of JaMarcus Russell rookie cards. One feels like too many, though every team needs at least one professional surrenderer.
As Blair Walsh demonstrated during his filmmaker debut below, Locke is a man of many talents. As a punter, he’s often asked to also be a placeholder, a task he can execute anywhere.
Two years ago during the holiday season I did a weekly post in which I scoured the deepest, dark, and dangerous depths of eBay to help you find a gift for the football fan in your life. Oh, the adventures we had, and I’m still waiting on that Lynn Swann Hi-C can.
I learned something through that exercise: holy crap there’s a lot of random NFL team-related merchandise and collector’s items that exist. I know, that seems like obvious knowledge, but you really need to spend a few hours of your life clicking through the obscure items people want to sell to truly understand. I have no idea why you’d ever do that (yes, this is my life).
That’s why when I saw what the fine folks over at Buffalo Rumblings unearthed this morning when they asked their readers to send in pictures of random merchandise, I wasn’t surprised. But oh, I was amused.
This is the sparkling gem: a glass buffalo stomping a dolphin, and it’s autographed by Jim Kelly.
Every team needs something like this, though I’m not sure how you’d depict the Steelers/Ravens rivalry. Maybe just keep it simple with a raven taking a precision crap on a bro who’s wearing a Big Ben jersey, and drinking Natty Light.
To be fair, Darnell Dockett already scared me. Any large football bro who says things like “I’m just a guy who’s trying to get an alligator” lives in a far different reality than you and I.
Really, deep down he’s just a fun dude who publicly, um, expresses his loving affection for Katherine Webb because why the hell not. That makes his beerability pretty high.
But on the football field he’s now one of the scariest man-like things out there. I’m not even sure he’s human anymore. He’s some sort of experiment, and a cross breed with a Star Wars bounty hunter and Bane.
That’s the new mask Dockett wore for the first time during a fan event Tuesday, when Cardinals fans were invited to watch minicamp practice. Justin Tuck has a similar mask, with the purpose of those menacing diagonal bars being to prevent blockers from getting their fingers — incidentally or not — inside the mask, which could twist the head and lead to a neck injury.
So sure, it serves a purpose, and a good one. Still, I’m pretty sure Dockett will now eat quarterbacks, as simply sacking them has become far too…human.
I almost wasn’t going to post about this, mostly because we shouldn’t care about Chad Johnson anymore, and I’d rather spend my early June Monday writing about other banal NFL matters. But I couldn’t resist the charm (charm? Yes, charm) of his astounding stupidity.
I don’t want Ndamukong Suh’s offseason to end. He’s been much more composed and much less blond-haired vixen grabby than Rob Gronkowski, but since the Summer of Gronk was cancelled due to his repeated surgeries, Suh has stepped up his game.
First, he smacked his face off the bottom of a pool for our amusement on an awful television show, and in doing so he also reminded us that gravity is a real thing, and there’s a reason why 307-pound men play defensive tackle. It’s the same reason why every four years during the summer Olympics, the crazy dudes who spin and twist in the diving events are a little, um, skinnier than Suh.
Then he befriended an octopus at a hockey game, because Suh is one with all sea creatures. He also did a few laps on the zamboni, and he returned safely.
But earlier this week Suh had his most boss moment yet during a charity golf tournament on the fist tee…
Similar to his failed diving experience, what you see there is the reason why while golf may be an inviting game for men with a little more (*searches for the politically correct word, winces and hopes he’s found one*) girth, the structural integrity of a driver often just isn’t meant to withstand the kind of power a guy like Suh can generate.
Clubs break. It happens, but most often when they snap, it’s the shaft splitting either in the middle or lower by the head. With Suh, the head just flew right off.
In the latest example that Jim Harbaugh is just the best, he was finally united with Judge Judy earlier this week. He met the leader in televised small claims scowling, and sat in the audience while The Judge ruled on all matters related to stolen DVD players and the like.
It was a truly moving and exciting experience for our boy Jeem, and I mean that seriously. I’d tell you to watch how much he’s beaming and filled with child-like giddiness when speaking to reporters about his Judge Judy visit below, but that’s not what I want you to watch.
No, I want you to pay attention to the part when Harbaugh says he thoroughly enjoys watching people direct traffic.
Watch that, and then watch it again, and make sure you hear this part several times:
“I get a real kick out of watching people who are good at directing traffic do it. Done it, for hours, watched it.”
Really, who among us hasn’t done that for hours upon hours? Of course you’ve watched a man with his humble whistle and/or sign, helping as the world gets where it has to go. At that moment and in that time, he is the controller, and he has power over all who cross through a public passage. Mad respect.
This is a true and deep glimpse into the mind of an elite coach. Anyone who does their job well — anyone at all — and executes it with passion and precision gets respect. If you’re one of those people, Jim Harbaugh will find you, and watch you. Possibly for hours.
Jim Harbaugh is often a man of few words, and even when he speaks and words come out, they’re usually the most Harbaugh words ever. I’m still questioning the basic structure of human life after he told us that “you can kill a man, but you can’t defeat him if he has hope.” Also, jive turkey gobblers sound like a cool pet every kid should own.
Pretty much any time he’s behind a microphone, great things could happen. Another example came back in February when he was at the Scouting Combine, and he compared the process of prospect evaluation to being in front of Judge Judy, his television icon who frequently causes urination through intimidation:
“I’m a big fan of the ‘Judge Judy’ show. And when you lie in Judge Judy’s courtroom, it’s over, your credibility is completely lost, you stand no chance of winning that case. So, I learned that from her. It’s very powerful.”
During a taping that aired last night, the two were finally united, and it was a beautiful thing. Harbaugh sat in the audience with his father Jack, and they were shown on a few cutaway shots.
This is Harbaugh’s calling. Years from now when he retires from coaching, he’ll immediately start Judge Harbaugh while still wearing the same damn shirt everyday, and I’ll watch the hell out of it shamelessly.
