Archive for the ‘What the hell?’ Category

chris-johnson-arms2

NFL players do interesting things during the offseason when they’re not occupied with football stuff, exotic activities that mere mortals like you and I only see in those lottery commercials that taunt us with all the money. Zoltan Mesko went fish hunting with a harpoon or something, and Larry Fitzgerald climbed small icebergs. See, normal stuff.

Titans running back Chris Johnson is evidently in Mexico, a place where he’ll find plenty of sun, and the finest tequila his small mountain of money can purchase. He’s also found friendly fish who are willing to eat his dead skin. Neat?

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weiner dog

Sometimes I take a few jabs at the Browns, but it’s not meant with malice. I usually say something about losing a lot of games and making the playoffs only once since they returned to the league in 1999, and then I throw in a few lazy jokes about The Factory of Sadness and Cleveland tourism. You then either laugh or hate me, but do either action briefly before moving on with other distractions.

In truth, I think that if Trent Richardson can stay healthy, the Browns could significantly improve this season. And that would be a glorious thing to behold, because much like the Bills Mafia (cringes), cruelly Browns fans are among the most dedicated and passionate in the league, and yet they’re still also the most tortured.

Yesterday the story of a man who took his Browns obsession to the grave circulated. Scott E. Entsminger died on July 4, and he requested that six Browns players be his pall bearers so that the team could “let him down one last time”. Instead, the organization is giving his widow a customized jersey with the number of Entsminger’s favorite Browns player (Lou Groza) on the back.

That’s serious, burning passion from a fan base that doesn’t need to be entertained by a bunch of wiener dogs. But whatever, who cares, because wiener dog races are the best thing a person can watch in their lifetime.

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You don’t remember Lance Easley by name, mostly because in our busy lives, mental memory real estate for such meaningless information is scarce. Knowing that little Sally has a dance recital tonight is much more important than the name of a replacement referee.

But although you may not recognize Easley’s name, you certainly know what he did. This…

Easley is the fellow who rather hilariously called the conclusion of that play a touchdown. There was outrage, disgust, profanity, and then the end of the replacement officials due to their incompetence. Easley’s blown call gave the locked-out referees the ultimate leverage, and they were back on the field the following week.

Easley may now be attempting to do exactly what any fine American citizen would do: try to turn his tomfoolery into money through being publicly visible. Emphasis there is on attempt, and his first appearance was at Richard Sherman’s charity softball game yesterday where he executed the finest Packers troll job in Internet history by posing for this picture alongside Golden Tate…

But oh, it gets better. When he spoke to the assembled media, Easley dutifully stood by his convictions and said that even after watching multiple replays, he stands by his touchdown call.

Never admit failure, Lance. It’s the ultimate sign of weakness.

If there’s anything more American on the nation’s birthday than shoving 69 hot dogs down your face hole, it’s wearing America for a day…

 

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I can only imagine that for people who don’t spend 10 hours a day fully immersed in Twitter and its infinite revolving door of information followed by penis jokes followed by Tebow jokes followed by penis jokes followed by information and then by boob jokes, getting started on this foreign technology can be a little daunting.

That’s especially true if you’re a famous athlete, or if you’re about to be a famous athlete. Like, say, Tavon Austin, the Rams’ first-round pick this past April who will catch many footballs from Sam Bradford.

But as a young man who’s about to start his career in a profession where he’ll be lucky to still be employed by the age of 35, and he’s also in a league which says hahaha to fully guaranteed contracts, Austin is certainly aware that cash through appearances in commercials and other such marketing is the sweetest tasting cash.

Every little bit of exposure helps to that end, and showing some personality through various funny tweets about rising and grinding is easy. However, while speaking to a group of America’s elite high school players at Nike’s “The Opening” Monday, Austin told a cautionary Twitter story about his misdeeds during just the opening days of his NFL career.

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We took a day off yesterday to celebrate the birth of the great nation of Canada. For any or our American friends who aren’t familiar with Canada Day traditions, historically it’s a time when we ensure that all the elements are in place for a successful maple syrup harvest, and we take unique measures to monitor the beaver population.

Oh, and we also drink many drinks at various docks while discovering that falling off a giant floating banana at speeds that such sea-going vessels are not designed to sustain is something less than enjoyable. Basically, it’s just like July 4 down in the US of A, just much more Canadian-y.

I suppose I could have noted my absence yesterday, as I’m sure I was missed dearly and there was much angst over this dead space. Please accept my deepest apologies.

But hey, it’s July now, guys. That means it’s officially less than a month until training camps start to open, and it means we can start talking about fantasy football without sounding like crazed degenerates, although that’s what we are and always will be. We’ll get to football things shortly, but I can’t think of a better way to begin a (shortened) week than with an artistic version of Mark Sanchez’s butt fumble.

This video has now done what fun Internet things do: it’s gone viral, as the kids say. So I’ll help with that worthy cause.

Behold, the Sanchez butt fumble silent film…

Obviously, everything that has anything to do with Aaron Hernandez is serious and troubling right now, and each minor nugget of new information is being heavily scrutinized by those in the media who are employed to talk about all matters related to the NFL on 24-hour sports channels. This especially applies to the 24-hour NFL channel, NFL Network.

That’s created an environment in which there’s a clawing search for a new angle whenever the trickle of real information has slowed. So producers are getting creative, and when producers get creative, Aaron Hernandez’s spit is analyzed.

Yes, that happened…

Thanks for bringing this insightful commentary into our lives, Busted Coverage