Archive for the ‘What the hell?’ Category

Earlier this week Mark Sanchez was caught with his pants down. No, that’s not a bad joke. Behold, the butt cheeks of the Sanchize…

sanchez owens

When it comes to the creative art of dancing, I’m very much the whitest white guy. But if this is how you throw a dance party, I’m all in, because everything except for the rear region exposure sounds like a great time. Girls, wine, and fist pumpin’.

Anywho, today we’ve learned that amazingly, the cheek jiggling above isn’t Sanchez’s first dance-a-thon. What’s more troubling is that he may be a sort of Frank the Tank, just presumably with much less alcohol tolerance.

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rodgers-suit2

This is Aaron Rodgers.

Be afraid, remotely famous Aarons everywhere. Be so very, very afraid.

On Wednesday when he was participating in the 24-hour Aaron Hernandez watch that’s now lasted for, oh, 10 days, ESPN’s Jeremy Schaap had a rather unfortunate moment when his tongue was tied in several knots. Let’s see if you can catch it…

Aaron Rodgers = Green Bay Packers quarterback

Aaron Hernandez = former New England Patriots tight end who’s now awaiting his murder trial, and he maybe killed two more people while shooting another guy in the face

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I’m not meaning to put myself into the middle of an (AHEM) measuring contest here, but the photo evidence clearly shows there’s at least a marginal difference between the attendance at each championship parade in question.

Notice that Baltimore’s parade has several more people. Several.

 

URGENT UPDATE: It seems the Ravens are rather selective in their choice of images. You should probably sit down for this: not everything you see on the Internet is the truth (!!!).

Now since I know that not every troll job or meme is giving me the facts and only the facts, I’ll have to question the state of all worldly affairs every time I see grumpy cat, and especially that jerk Willy Wonka. Thanks a lot, Ravens.

Terrell Owens hasn’t officially retired yet, but he already has at least one option for a post-football career pursuit: weather guy.

Over the weekend Owens surfaced on Fox 11 Los Angeles to do a guest spot alongside professional wind predictor Pablo Pereira. While it didn’t match Metta World Peace‘s ridiculousness because no human is capable of that, this money quote about the climate in Buffalo and his first time playing in a blizzard makes his performance post worthy.

“We couldn’t even see the lines or anything. I just looked for a brown spot in the air and caught it.”

Yes, that sounds accurate.

Los Angeles Local News, Weather, and Traffic

Thanks, Juan Elway

putin2

I needed a fun and cheerful football item in my life that doesn’t contain Aaron Hernandez’s name. So thank you for being awesome, Vladimir Putin.

Surely you recall a week ago when the New York Post told us the story of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s stealth thievery in which he punked Patriots owner Robert Kraft in 2005, taking his Super Bowl ring. That’s his $25,000 ring which commemorates the NFL’s highest accomplishment.

At a recent appearance Putin was surprised to be asked about the jewel he took for mother Russia (shortly after Kraft publicly said it was a “gift”, and it’s now being kept in a special Kremlin library). His response is pretty much the most Russia response ever.

From AFP (via Josh Katzowitz):

“You know, I do not remember either Mr. Kraft or the ring,” Putin said.

“They handed out some sorts of souvenirs. But if it is such a valuable thing to Mr. Kraft and his team, I have a proposal,” said Putin.

“We will ask our enterprises to craft a really good, noticeable thing — so it is clear that it is expensive, made of a good metal, with a rock — so that this jewel is passed on from generation to generation in the team whose interests Mr. Kraft represents.

“I think that this would be the most intelligent… solution to such a difficult international problem,” Putin said with a hint of a smile.

This story doesn’t mention that Putin was wearing the ring and stroking his chin. What a boss.

urkel

There are fantasy implications connected to the ongoing Aaron Hernandez debacle which now includes a cell phone in many tiny pieces, and a very clean house. Very clean.

But there’s still a lot of confusion and murky details, which means his potential punishment — both from Roger Goodell’s law, and the real laws which govern our society — is also hazy. And that’s why we’ll wait to discuss any fantasy implications in depth until there’s a little more clarity. Oh and also, a man was murdered, so jumping into fantasy talk immediately seems a little cold.

None of that stopped Jaleel White. Oh, you don’t know who that is? Perhaps a little visual recognition will help…

That’s right, the man formerly known as Urkel has some wisdom to share. Unfortunately and oddly, I can’t take him seriously without his suspenders and glasses.

But hey, whatever. What say you, Urkel?

So with Hernandez maybe set to play football somewhere else for a while and Rob Gronkowski filled with surgical knife holes, the pioneer of the finest early 90′s catch phrase thinks Jake Ballard should be moving way up all fantasy draft boards. Pro tip, and you heard it here first.

Ballard shared White’s optimism with the world through a retweet, which is when USA Today’s Mike Garafolo correctly observed that it’s officially June in the NFL when Urkel is handing out fantasy advice. White was displeased, and advised the bald sportswriter to proceed to the nearest Walgreens where he can purchase some Rogaine.

And now it really is June in the NFL. Officially.

When the Vikings spent a fifth-round pick on punter Jeff Locke two months ago, the end was near for Chris Kluwe in Minnesota, mostly because carrying two punters on your roster is sort of like having a surplus of JaMarcus Russell rookie cards. One feels like too many, though every team needs at least one professional surrenderer.

As Blair Walsh demonstrated during his filmmaker debut below, Locke is a man of many talents. As a punter, he’s often asked to also be a placeholder, a task he can execute anywhere.

He’s the dark ninja of placeholding.

Thanks, KSK