We’ve completed week one of the NHL season already.  For some teams things are going surprisingly well while others are trying to calm their angry fanbases and literally put out fires around town.

We figured that, with a very small three or four game sample for each team, now would be a good time to make drastic, overarching conclusions and predict how the NHL season will play out.

There will be those who say you can’t predict the entire NHL season based on the first week, but those people simply aren’t reaching enough.  After all, you know what they say, what’s happened over the first three games will definitely continue for the remaining 79.

The Stanley Cup will return to Canada, as the Edmonton Oilers will face off against the Toronto Maple Leafs for Lord Stanley’s Grail.  What’s even more surprising is that both the Leafs and Oilers will finish the season undefeated.  Toronto forward Clarke MacArthur will continue his amazing scoring pace all season and finish with 109 goals, narrowly beating Alex Ovechkin and Derek Roy to win the Rocket Richard Trophy.

The Pittsburgh Penguins will make a mid-season decision to abandon plans to tear down the old Civic Arena and instead begin to focus on plans to tear down the new Consol Energy Center.  Mario Lemieux will frantically search for the keys to the Igloo after the Pens lose the first 22 games in their new building.  He’ll eventually find them under the Igloo’s floor mat, but it will be too late as Sidney Crosby will break into the building with a coat hanger.

Cap concerns will cause the New Jersey Devils to ice a team with only three players (Ilya Kovalchuk, Zach Parise and Martin Brodeur) for a January game against the Minnesota Wild.  The Devils will lose 2-1 in overtime.

Henrik Sedin will never score another goal.

The Ottawa Senators, unable to win a game or score a power play goal, will desperately trade Sergei Gonchar to the Anaheim Ducks in exchange for Scott Niedermayer.  They will only learn later that Niedermayer is retired.  Armed with Gonchar, the Ducks will win two games in a row for the first time in mid-December.

Due to recent strong goaltending performances by Sergei Bobrovsky and last year’s Michael Leighton/Johan Backlund/Brian Boucher situation, the Philadelphia Flyers will become more convinced than ever that it doesn’t matter who is in their net. They will play the final 15 games of the regular season without any goaltender at all and do surprisingly well.

One player will deliver a dangerous, reckless hit on an opponent and cause injury.  This player will be suspended for several games while another player, guilty of an equally dangerous and reckless hit, will escape any sort of punishment at all.

James Wisniewski will retire at the end of the season and become a mime.