As we mentioned earlier today, the NHL has fined Toronto Maple Leafs’ coach Ron Wilson for offering his team a $600 incentive to win Tuesday night’s game against the San Jose Sharks. Of course, when we say “incentive” we mean “dirty, dirty, unforgivable bribe.” Of course, the NHL couldn’t possibly overlook such a flagrant act of criminal behaviour.
Neither could we.
We went undercover into the seedy underworld of Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment to investigate the situation. Needless to say we were shocked and appalled. Not unlike the world of organized crime that we’ve all seen in movies and on television, the inner workings of MLSE are filled with strippers, alcohol, gambling, incredibly nice suits and other unlawful activities.
Of course, we ignored all of those things and went right for the single most important violation. The one thing that is so unforgivable, so immoral and so disgusting that the NHL needed to crack down immediately when it was brought to their attention today. We’re talking about bribery.
During our investigation we discovered the following shocking truths about the Toronto Maple Leafs organization:
- After he scored 40 goals for the conference rival New York Islanders in 2007, Maple Leafs management was very annoyed and threatened by Jason Blake. They offered then general manager John Ferguson, Jr. $9000 to “make Blake disappear.” Ferguson signed Blake to a five-year contract with the Leafs, accomplishing that goal.
- We discovered that Colby Armstrong pays every member of the team a weekly bribe to keep them quiet about the life-size Sidney Crosby stand-up that he keeps in his locker.
- The Maple Leafs have repeatedly offered Tomas Kaberle extravagant bribes in order to convince him to waive his no trade clause. The most recent bribe was an all expenses paid trip to a tropical island. Kaberle declined the bribe, stating that he’s allowed to do nothing but sit around and relax during every game, thus making the vacation unnecessary.
- In 2009, Brian Burke really wanted to sign Phil Kessel. Upon noticing that several staff members were impressed with his collection of autographed hockey sticks, Burke told them that if they could convince Boston to trade Kessel for a reasonable price, he’d give each staff member two sticks. An overzealous member of the team misheard Burke and acquired Kessel for two picks. The rest is history.
- In order to be named captain of the team, Dion Phaneuf paid Brian Burke and Ron Wilson seven dollars each. We were surprised to hear that the amount was so low, but we’re told it was because no one else wanted to be captain. In fact, several of Phaneuf’s teammates got together and gave Leafs’ management $500,000 to not name any of them captain. When he realized what had happened, Phaneuf complained that would have joined in on that bribe, but didn’t hear the discussion because he was listening to very loud music and chugging Red Bull.
- For years the Leafs have been bribing their fans to attend games by promising them a competitive hockey team. This is the only bribe we discovered that has never been paid out.
- Ron Wilson himself doesn’t stop at simple bribery. He’s actually escalated the situation to threats. Earlier this season he told Brian Burke that he’d better not fire him if he ever wanted to see his puppy again.
So now that the shocking underworld of the Leafs organization has been revealed, we’re waiting to see how the NHL reacts. We fully expect them to spin a wheel, land on “Get out of Jail Free” and decide to suspend Sean Avery.