Instead of the All-Star Game…

So far we’ve talked about improving the SuperSkills competition, protesting the game, the team captains, the jerseys and who didn’t make the cut.  The problem with all of those posts is that they’ve focused on the All-Star Game too much.  Almost anyone over 12 can tell you that the actual game is the least interesting part of All-Star weekend.  Sure, the draft will probably be fun and the skills competition is always entertaining, but the game itself is generally a waste of everyone’s time.

If we were running the NHL (and, if everything plays out according to plan, we someday will be) we’d scrap the All-Star game completely.  But what do we replace it with?

Over Celebrating Central – This would be sort of like American Idol.  Contestants would walk on stage one at a time and perform their best, most over-the-top goal celebrations.  The contest judges would be Don Cherry, Mike Richards and Mike Millbury.  Whichever contestant made all three judges the angriest would be named the winner.  If you get Mike Millbury to throw his shoe at you, you’re automatically named grand champion.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire AHLer? – Current NHL players compete against Sheldon Souray, Mike Commodore, Jeff Finger, Wade Redden and others for the right to immediately clear waivers and be sent to a job where you make 30 times more than your peers and you’re old enough to be almost everyone’s dad.  The audience would try its best to avoid noticing the shame in the AHLers eyes.

Are You Lacking Personality? – Reporters would line up to ask the All-Stars questions.  Whoever can bore the crowd to sleep the fastest with answers including “we have to give 100%,” “we got our bounces,” “we need to get pucks to the net,” and other bland, generic answers would be named the winner.  With Sidney Crosby injured this year, the field for this competition is wide open.

Ultimate Goon Championship – Fighters have never been given the opportunity to shine at the All-Star Game (or in the playoffs or near the end of a close game for that matter.)   We aim to solve this problem by setting up a cage at centre ice and having goons from around the league step in and prove who’s the toughest.  Wimpy concepts like visors, helmets and the ability to play more than 3 minutes a game would be banned from the cage.  The last fighter left standing earns the right to be scratched for the remainder of the season.

Headshotapalooza – Clearly the league doesn’t want to come up with a consistent, easy-to-enforce rule on head shots.  So why not go the complete opposite direction?  This event would feature two hours of constant, non-stop blows to the head set to an eclectic mix of death metal and gangsta rap.  The first person to violently end someone’s career with an unnecessarily brutal attack would be given a new truck.