It’s that time of year once again! It’s time for cinnamon hearts, greeting cards and bitter disappointment. If the flowers, chocolate and “Let’s BEE Friends” card you bought for your special someone didn’t go over very well today, we’ve put together a list of a few other Valentine’s Day gifts that may brighten up your sweetheart’s day.
Sure, it’s probably too late to salvage your romantic evening together at this point, but our guide will help make sure that next year’s Valentine’s Day gift will be well-received by any hockey fan.
Of course, you’ll want a unique gift, right? Anyone can run out and buy a Montreal Canadiens bikini or a Boston Bruins foam claw, but it takes a special kind of person to pick up something a little more uncommon. To find these extraordinary gifts, we headed to the home of bizarre items and strange crap: eBay.
This is what we found:
A Valentine’s Day Hockey Jersey: Ignore for a moment that there is no conceivable reason to ever wear a red, white and pink hockey jersey with hearts on it and take a look at this classic piece of merchandise. Can you imagine the look on your honey’s face when you give him or her this disaster? Plus, the added bonus is that you won’t have to worry about giving this same person a gift next year.
Toronto Maple Leafs Candy Jar: Sure, you could just give your Valentine candy… or you could take the next step and give this stylish candy jar along with the candy! Bonus: this gift can double as a swear jar during games.
Calgary Flames Valentine’s Day Puck: What says “I love you forever” like a pink piece of vulcanized rubber? Nothing, that’s what.
A Teddy Bear Hockey Uniform: Do you or your loved one have a teddy bear who wants to play hockey but finds the lack of suitable equipment and clothing an obstacle? Your problems are solved! When you dress your teddy bear in this hockey uniform, you’re one step closer to watching a small, furry Wayne Gretzky take flight. To make this gift more awesome, the outfit is named “Goal Getter Greg.” Note: you may be looked at a little strange if the person you give this to does not own a teddy bear.
Chocolate Goalie Lollipops: There just isn’t a better way to spend a romantic evening together than by licking a goalie.
Philadelphia Flyers Heart-Shaped Watch: You’ll always know what time the game starts with this watch! Is it just us, or are Philadelphia Flyers fans possibly the least-likely people on earth to be wearing heart-shaped, rhinestone-covered watches?
A Mario Bun: Anyone can pick up some chocolates from a local store and bring them home on Valentine’s Day, but there aren’t many people who will give their sweetheart a chocolate snack from 1993 with a picture of Mario Lemieux on it. After breaking a few teeth while attempting to bite into this almost 20-year-old treat, you’ll be re-thinking whether you want to be a part of this relationship.
Pink Hearts Maple Leafs T-Shirt: If we’ve learned anything from the NHL in recent years, it’s that girls simply cannot enjoy the game of hockey without wearing pink.
A Detroit Red Wings Lawn Gnome: Is it just us, or does this guy look a little bit like Kris Draper? Either way, if you’re not in a relationship where the free exchange of lawn gnomes is celebrated, this gift will open that opportunity for years to come. Soon you’ll be “that couple with all the gnomes” that no one wants to spend any time with and you’ll have more time to spend with each other. Mission accomplished.
Pittsburgh Penguins Six-Piece Baby Gift Set: If you already have a little one, or if a little one is on the way, this is the Valentine’s Day gift for you. Celebrate your drunken accident and support your favourite team with a baby gift set! Note: “Sidney Crosby is a baby” jokes are not included, but will likely follow.
Of course, you’ll also want to include a hockey-theme card with your gift, right? What sort of lover would you be if you didn’t? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered there too!
The Hockey Playing Bear Card: “If with me you’ll SKATE I’ll gladly be your MATE.” Truer words have never been spoken. The fact that the bear looks like a bit of a homicidal maniac is somewhat concerning, but the hearts on the card say “LOVE.” Sold.
Bare Angel Plays Ice Hockey: Sure, it’s a New Year’s card, but the nude angel looks a bit like Cupid so we’re counting it. Besides, you don’t see enough nude angels in hockey anymore. The message on the card is “And I will play with many a heart a reckless part” which leads us to think that the angel is advocating sleeping around. Maybe it’s not the best Valentine’s Day card after all…
Blank Hockey Player Card: If the message you’re looking for this Valentine’s Day is “generic New York Rangers player with no words” then you’ve found the right card! Congrats!
Whether you use these suggestions to fix your relationship after the terrible gift you gave today, or to stock up on items for next year, we hope that this guide helps you find the right Valentine’s Day gift. Happy Valentine’s Day!