The first team eliminated from the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs could be the only team that was left standing at the end of the 2010 playoffs. The Chicago Blackhawks are in a 3-0 hole against the Vancouver Canucks and it doesn’t look like Vancouver is going to let up. Tonight the Hawks could play their final game of the season.
Well desperate times call for desperate measures. The Blackhawks need to pull out all of the stops in order to claim victory tonight. We have a couple suggestions for them.
Take inspiration from “Chelsea Dagger”
Okay, so the days of this song striking terror into the hearts of the Canucks may be over. However, this doesn’t mean that the Blackhawks can’t find a way to use this tune to their advantage. Rather than hoping that actually playing the song will cause problems, the players should use the lyrics as their inspiration.
For example: “I would’ve sold them to you, if I could’ve just have kept the last of my clothes on.” Now, we’re not athletes ourselves, but we believe that the sight of Patrick Kane without clothing is enough to distract anyone for at least a while.
“Bring yer sister over here. Let her dance with me just for the hell of it.”
If there was ever a time to hit on a player’s sister in order to distract him from the game, it’s now.
Hire a Dustin Byfuglien impersonator to follow Robert Luongo around for the entire the day and harass him
If an impersonator is not available, consider hiring Byfuglien himself. It’s not like he’s really doing anything right now. At the very least, the Blackhawks should put SOMEONE in a “Byfuglien” jersey and have him stand in front of Luongo all game. It doesn’t matter who. Find anyone and find him (or her) quickly!
Create a time machine and go back to 2010
At this point, doing so may be an easier solution than beating the 2011 Canucks. As a bonus, this is the perfect time to master time travel, as SkyNet comes online today.
Hope the Canucks somehow disappear one-by-one
Just like the Simpsons episode with the baseball ringers, a series of unrelated yet unfortunate incidents taking various Vancouver players out of the big game may be the solution here. Barney Gumble would need to punch out Ryan Kesler after a heated discussion on British politics. That should be possible. Daniel Sedin could be hypnotized into thinking he is a chicken and Henrik Sedin will hopefully fall into a mystery spot. A quick trip to a fair should be able to handle those two. We completely expect to see Dan Hamhuis spend far too much time saving a woman’s home from a fire, so he’s taken care of as well.
Unfortunately, just like Darryl Strawberry avoided misfortune and made Homer miss the majority of the game, Roberto Luongo will likely manage to play no matter what.
Unleash the Canucks jersey history
The time is now Chicago!