Week 7 playoff beard update

There’s just a bunch of furry mothballs playing hockey now. The rapture is indeed coming, and not even the Macho Man can save us this time.

It’s hard to believe that we’ve reached Week 7 of the playoffs, as it seems like just yesterday that the Capitals were rolling, and people were still pretending to care about hockey in Phoenix. But here we are, and there’s no greater proof of the playoff’s advanced stage than the mangled growths we’ll see as the calendar flips to June, and hockey is still being played. The point of no return was crossed long ago, and now we’re left to stare at a slew of scraggly, tangled facial jungles.

No baby face can win hockey’s sacred silver mug . Well, except for Tyler Seguin potentially, whose grade school dust job makes the 14-year-old me look like Captain Highliner. As we round the bend into the fourth and final round this week, we bid adieu to one beard down in Tampa Bay that we would have liked to see through to the end, look at a trio of Boston beards that are peaking at the right time, and profile a Canuck forward who pairs a successful growth with being insane.

Steve Downie

May 19 - March 29

Dustin Parkes, the editor of The Score’s baseball blog Getting Blanked, hilariously taught us back in October when he dressed up as Giants closer Brian Wilson for Halloween that a beard is far more than just a beard. It’s an attitude, and it’s the motivation behind every action and reaction.

So we wave goodbye to you, crazy Steve Downie’s crazy beard. He wore it with pride, and combined with the gap-toothed grin, and eyes that became several sizes wider when he entered the kill zone, the beard became its own nearly uncontrollable behemoth.

Maxim Lapierre

May 24 - April 7

Whatever craziness we lost with the elimination of Downie and the Lightning will surely be maintained by Lapierre and his constantly contorting face. Pair the multi-layered black cheek-warmer with Lapierre’s wide-eyed cackle, and the centre’s scary face rivals and may even surpass Downie’s crazy face.

Nathan Horton

May 23 - April 9

An overview of Horton’s first career playoff appearance:

  • Two massive game-winning goals that eliminated two teams.
  • 8 goals and 17 points over 18 games.
  • One beard that’s turned a bald head of blandness into a menacing ball of fury.

Patrice Bergeron

May 19 - April 6

When he was sidelined for the first two games against Tampa Bay Bergeron must have been tempted to grab the razor. Like a warewolfed Jerry Seinfeld, the itch must have spread and festered, growing on the mind as well as the body. Idle time only served to make the itch stronger, and more ferocious.

But the strong-willed 25-year-old added a fierce willpower to his already impressive playoff resume, defeating his inner itch.

Michael Ryder

May 23 - April 21

Ryder has been preparing for the Canucks since mid-April, knowing there was a good chance he’d be beard-to-beard with the playoff’s posse of assorted redish-brown chin straps, handlebars, and goatees. As one of the few red representatives in Boston, Ryder has been tasked with staring down the blazing red fiery in Vancouver between the Sedins, Raffi Torres, and even the backup goalie.