It seems we will only be truly spared from the rapture if the Canucks win the Stanley Cup. Anything less brings the risk of being left behind.

The best drunken hockey story in the history of drunken hockey stories

We have a rule against linking Deadspin. Or maybe I just made that up, but generally anything on Deadspin instantly goes viral, therefore making our tiny corner of the Internet rather useless if we’re directing you to the mothership. But sometimes an item is so amazing that as part of our sworn duty to make sure the best in Interweb insanity doesn’t fall through the cracks of your trolling, it must be highlighted.

The diary of two Canucks fans who travelled to San Jose on a whim for Game 4 certainly qualifies, especially after one member of the binging party ended the evening wearing nothing but his boxers and a hospital gown.

I ask when I can leave. They tell me I can’t do anything until I can walk. The nurse removes my IV, and I stand up and take some steps. She tells me to lie down for five minutes and gives me a glass of juice and a sandwich. I am wearing socks, boxers, and a hospital gown. I ask the nurse for my clothes. She says I don’t have any because I came in wearing only my boxers and socks.

You just never know what you’ll find when strange men are selling strange goods at Vancouver parks

Yep, you might find an official Canucks banner that went missing. That’s what Ian Moore went home with when he paid $500 for what at the time appeared to a large rolled up tarp. Some advice for Ian: don’t buy things from people who can barely talk.

Woah! You mean bars, pubs and restaurants are making money off of the Canucks?!?

The people who supply Canucks fans with a venue to consume alcohol and ramble incoherently at strangers hope Vancouver wins Lord Stanley’s mug. But unlike other fans who’d like to start the parade as soon as possible, they wouldn’t it if the series went seven games. Like the underpants gnomes, they know that playoff hockey leads to profit.

Bar owners also know how to establish the ideal hockey watching environment. As one man told Burnaby Now, cutting off all daylight is key.

“I can’t exactly afford to go see them at (Roger’s Arena) and it’s no fun to watch games alone at home, so I figure this is a pretty good spot,” said Kyle McDougall, a retired steelworker, while enjoying a pint at the Lougheed Village Inn Pub. “I’d rather stimulate the economy by spending my money locally than waste eight bucks for a watery beer with the money going right into the Canucks’ owners pocket. Plus there are no windows here, so it’s the best spot to watch an afternoon game and not be reminded how nice it is outside.”

See Tampa, this is how a real hockey fanbase reacts to a playful jab

The Bruins marketing team has routinely placed playful jabs at Boston’s playoff opponent around the TD Garden, a practice that led to the exposure of razor thin skin down in Tampa Bay during the third round. Lightning fans were so offended by the posters of Boston’s bumbling bear alongside barbs like “The Loch Ness Monster. Big Foot. Lightning fans” that the posters were removed after complaints from the suddenly not-so sunny south.

So when the always brilliantly offensive Bruins blog Days Of Y’Orr put together their own mash-up showing the Sedins as lawn gnomes, there was certainly some angst generated. But scrappy fans did what scrappy fans should do: fire back instead of cowering to some higher authority that controls fan smack talk.