What would the NHL be if we couldn’t analyze controversial plays and devastating injuries at least once a week? How would we cope with the game if the only things we had to worry about were great plays, incredible goaltending and strong defensive systems?
Today we’re going to travel to that magical world and imagine…
In an NHL without head shots:
- Don Cherry, free from having to walk the line between “I don’t want to see players hurt” and “I love violence” would have a lot more time to discuss the things that really matter, like how Europeans are all spineless wimps who cry and dive, how Kingston, Ontario is the greatest place on earth and how to make a perfectly nice suit of an old couch.
- People would go back to hating Sidney Crosby for a variety of reasons rather than quietly waiting for him to return to the game.
- There would be no blogs.
- Paul Kariya would still be playing hockey.
- Matt Cooke wouldn’t be.
- That robot that re-enacted the Sidney Crosby concussion would be free to return to its true love: pushing over piles of boxes in front of unsuspecting victims.
- Players would be forced to use ridiculous tactics like strong positioning, controlled physical play and good reflexes to stop talented players from scoring, rather than using the tried and true method of aiming for the head and letting loose.
- We wouldn’t be able to recite rule 48 from memory.
- There would be nothing to fill that empty void between two games other than an in-depth analysis of the plays that mattered, a breakdown of why one team was successful over their opponents and Mike Milbury and Pierre McGuire yelling at each other.
- ESPN viewers would have no idea that hockey even exists.
- Air Canada & VIA Rail would happily work with Gary Bettman and the NHL.
- YouTube would suddenly become a lot less useful for hockey fans, because who wants to see highlights of all of those stupid goals and saves anyway?
- Colin Campbell would be known as “that NHL executive who made a terrible decision when he sent that ‘little fake artist’ email” instead of “that NHL executive who makes terrible decisions.”
- NHL teams would stop hiding a supply of folding chairs behind their benches just in case “things get a little WWE out there.”
- Clearly no one would watch the game, as everyone is tuning in just to see someone get hit in the head.