Today is July 14th and Steven Stamkos is still without a contract with the Tampa Bay Lightning. The hockey world has been waiting for a while now for either a new contract or an offer sheet from another team. While we certainly appreciate that this situation has given us something to write about during the middle of July, we’ve decided that it’s time to shake things up a bit.
That’s why, right now, we’re going to make an offer to Steven Stamkos. Steven, we’d love to see you become a part of the Houses of the Hockey team.
Now, we know what you’re thinking: That’s an absolutely awful idea that barely qualifies as a way to pass the time on a slow news day. However, we think you should hear us out. You may like what we have to offer.
We’ll get the obvious stuff out of the way first: As a hockey blogger, you won’t be making millions of dollars any time soon. However, there are a lot of pretty nice restaurants and bars near the Score’s offices that you could spend time in. Someone may even offer to buy you a drink when they realize that you’re Steven Stamkos, so there’s that. Of course, it’s inevitable that at some point they’ll ask you why you left a very successful hockey career to write for a blog. At that point, it would just be best to leave the room quietly without making a scene.
We’ve been there.
In addition, there are a number of other perks to writing for this blog:
- Your in-depth commentary about what it’s like to be a marquee player in today’s NHL will fit perfectly in between our Photoshops of cats and Rebecca Black parody videos.
- You may be worried that blogging about hockey will be less exciting than playing in the NHL, but don’t worry. When you’re not writing we’re sure that there’s some light filing that you can do.
- You probably won’t get hit in the nose with a slap shot very often while blogging. This can only be good for your health and may help you get some side jobs modeling to make up for the drastic drop in income you will experience.
- Yes, you will no longer hear the roar of the crowd when you do something great, but sometimes your posts will be linked to by a bigger blog, which is pretty fun.
- It’s unlikely that hockey blogging will lead to having your face on the cover of a video game, but most of us here really like playing Xbox and we’d be glad to join an EASHL team with you… if you’re any good at the game, of course. We don’t tolerate losing.
- We understand that it’s tough to live up to lofty expectations on a regular basis. The good news is that when you blog about hockey, you’re rarely compared to Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin.
- You’ll instantly become our hero.
- As a hockey blogger, you’ll finally get the opportunity to make fun of Guy Boucher’s crazy facial expressions which we bet you’ve wanted to do for a while now.
- Your Twitter account will suddenly become a lot more useful as you use it to plug your latest posts and to follow actual journalists for hockey news that you can comment on later in order to seem smart. Trust us on this one.
- No one will ever care about your contract negotiations ever again. In fact, soon, no one will care about you very much at all. Isn’t a little private time and anonymity what we’re all looking for in life anyway?
So Steven, this is our offer.* Hopefully you take these points into consideration when deciding on your future. We understand that hockey blogging may seem like a step down for a very successful hockey player, but writing for Houses of the Hockey is pretty much the only way we’ll ever see you employed in Toronto, and that’s kind of a dream up here.
* No offer has actually been made. Do you think we’re really that stupid? Please don’t answer that.