So Gary Bettman made $7.5 million in 2009-2010. We’re not sure what anyone reading this blog does for a living, but we’re betting that his salary is several million dollars more than most of us collected during that same time frame. Plus, this is Gary Bettman.
Sure, his job is difficult, but every one of us could do it better than him, right? Just check out any message board, Twitter feed, blog or man rambling on any street corner in Canada and you’ll see that all of us are much smarter than Gary Bettman. Don’t believe that? Just ask the crowd at any game where Bettman makes an appearance.
Just like we know how to run the league better than Gary Bettman, we also know several better ways to spend that $7.5 million.
Pay Steven Stamkos
We have to get this one out of the way off the top. Steven Stamkos’ new contract pays him an average of $7.5 million a season. So, for the same amount of money you could have either Gary Bettman or Steven Stamkos. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world where Gary Bettman makes the same amount of money as Steven Stamkos, one of the most talented hockey players in the league. In fact, if Gary Bettman was an NHL player he’d have the 10th highest cap hit in the league, just above Scott Gomez.
Again, we’re sure that Gary Bettman’s job is difficult, so he must have some skill in order to perform it, but we’d still take Steven Stamkos over Gary Bettman every day of the week. Just think about it, who would you rather spend time with? Who would you rather play hockey with? Who would you rather have a beer with? Who would you rather listen to speak? The answer to all of those questions is Steven Stamkos.
We’d probably let Stamkos run the league over Bettman as well.
Bet It All
We could certainly see ourselves flying to Las Vegas and betting $7.5 million on black. We imagine that it would be a little bit like this, but with a roulette wheel and we wouldn’t be Gil.
Bribe Every Facebook User Under 13 To Leave Facebook
We’re sure that most of the 7.5 million kids who are younger than 13 on Facebook love using it, even if they’re not technically allowed to be on it. But would they love a shiny dollar more? We hope so! That sounded a little creepy. It wasn’t meant to be.
Party Like It’s 2011
You think the Boston Bruins know how to party? With $7.5 million, you could have about 47 of those parties. That’s almost enough money to party like you just won the Stanley Cup once a week. We’re pretty sure we’d collapse from exhaustion after the first party and suffer severe alcohol poisoning by the third, but the parts we could remember would probably be great! We could do without the shirtless Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin however.
Pay the Crowd in Vancouver to Follow Gary Around Everywhere
Imagine if Gary Bettman heard boos like that everywhere he went? And we mean EVERYWHERE. If it was up to us, he’d be followed by an angry crowd for every moment of his life. Good luck buying groceries with 18,000 people heckling your every move!
“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU SUCK AT CHOOSING RIPE FRUIT! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
Buy 15000 of These
Pay Pretty Much Anyone Else To Run The NHL
Really? For $7.5 million, Gary Bettman is the best choice? Again, we’re sure the job is difficult, but we have to imagine that there’s someone better out there who would do this job for that salary. For that much money we could put together a reality show called “Who Wants To Run A Hockey League?” in order to choose a new commissioner. That guy who butchered all of the jokes at the NHL Awards could be the host. Challenges would include quickly moving teams to the south, trying desperately to speak while being booed, acting kind of smug at all times and hating Jim Balsillie.
Cover About One-Third of the Phoenix Coyotes’ Losses For One Year
Man… that team loses A LOT of money!
Sign Some Random Free Agent to a Long-Term, Front-Loaded Deal
There has to be a player out there who will sign a seven year, $7.5 million deal. Maybe Alex Kovalev. What? You mean he’s not going to play hockey until age 45? Colour us surprised. We’re totally doing this in good faith.
These are the kinds of contracts that make Gary Bettman oh so very happy!
Rebuild the Six Million Dollar Man
After rebuilding him (because we’d have the technology) we’d still have enough cash left over to pay Tyler Bozak for one season. Better yet, we’d rebuild Tyler Bozak into a center who could play with Phil Kessel. You can thank us now, Brian Burke.
Burn the Money
How cool would it be to set a huge pile of money on fire? We’d bet that it would be even cooler if the pile added up to exactly $7.5 million dollars. Yes, this seems like a huge waste, but would you rather give the money to Bettman? Exactly.