A few days ago we mentioned the upcoming NHL Research, Development and Orientation Camp. There were a lot of ideas listed in the camp’s itinerary and some potential changes could make their way into the league in the future. Sure, a lot of people will say that the game should be left as it is and that constant changes make things difficult for players and fans. That’s certainly true. However, that’s also boring.

So, in the interest of attracting even more viewers to NHL hockey next season, we’ve decided that the NHL RDO camp needs to go even further. Much, much further.

Proposed rule changes:

  • Every controversial or dangerous hit will see Matt Cooke suspended for at least two games. In all honesty, there’s a good chance that Cooke is responsible for the hit anyway. Automatically suspending him just speeds up the process.
  • Institute a tiered scoring system to equalize all players. Goals by superstars like Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin & Steven Stamkos will continue to count as one goal whereas goals by players like Colton Orr and Eric Godard will now be worth 17. A goal by Sheldon Brookbank will be worth 402.
  • Bring in an actual “Wheel of Justice” to continue Colin Campbell’s work now that he’s no longer handing out discipline. Televise the wheel spins live on the NHL Network. The wheel can be either Wheel of Fortune style or Price is Right style, depending on Brendan Shanahan’s game show preference.
  • Any player who attempts to display a personality either on or off the ice will receive mandatory interview training from Sidney Crosby and a long talk with Mike Richards.
  • The blue lines will be painted red. The red line will be painted blue. The goal line will alternate colours depending on the season. The ice will be green or sometimes orange. This will certainly give the NHL the mainstream attention that it craves!
  • For a few weeks each year, the league will enforce the rules based exclusively on what Don Cherry says, just to see what he comes up with to yell about during those weeks when everything is going his way.

Of course the league can’t just stop at on-ice rule changes. It also needs to improve how the game is presented. Thankfully, we’ve also come up with a few other suggestions for the NHL.

  • Rename the league to “NBA” in an attempt to bring in more viewers due to the NBA lockout.
  • Vow not to put another team in Atlanta for at least three years.
  • Officially institute a rule to enforce what was a standard practice up until this point: Old and/or disgruntled players must sign lucrative deals with the KHL. Say goodbye to Mike Modano.
  • Take that silly “offer sheet” thing away for good, since apparently no one is ever going to use it.
  • For the same reason, remove the New Jersey Devils’ goal light.
  • Create a special “Detroit Red Wings room” in the Hockey Hall of Fame and induct every player who played with the team since 1995 or so into the Hall. This will eliminate the constant “Should this player make the Hall of Fame?” conversation we have every time a Red Wing retires.
  • In order to attract attention from ESPN, have a man dressed in white sit in the Air Canada Centre and relay signals to the Leafs’ players.