We’ve had just about enough of this Sidney Crosby speculation, so we put out a call to our crack team of East Coast “sources”. Like they did back in March, our trusty contacts in the Maritimes were able to put all the rumours to bed with their detailed accounts of Crosby’s recent activity and their own observations of his well-being.

This is your definitive update on Sidney Crosby.

Nick on his friends catching Sidney at a wrestling event:

“Bunch of us were in Spryfield to catch Ultimate Championship Wrestling at the Lion’s Club and we saw Crosby holding up signs all night in the third row. You’d have thought it was his first Christmas the way he was going all crazy when Bushwhacker Luke made his way to the ring. His signs weren’t making any sense either, he held one up that read “For Sale: 1986 Honda Prelude”. Wasn’t hardly a recognizable name on the card other than that old Bushwhacker, but Crosby was having the time of his life. Seemed healthy to me.”

Clarence and his son spot Sidney at a farmer’s market:

“We knew he was off when we saw Crosby selling off a collection of VHS tapes at the Halifax Farmer’s Market last Saturday. He had nothing but old Michael J. Fox flicks in this box, like “The Secret of My Succe$s” and “Doc Hollywood”. He didn’t seem to be with it much, and he was asking near $15 per movie. My son asked him if he was going to be ready for the start of the hockey season and he just started reciting lines from “Causalities of War”. I got my son out of there pretty quickly after that.”

Anonymous from Cole Harbour:

“My buddy knows Crosby’s sister pretty good and from what I hear there’s nothing wrong with his head at all. Word around home is that he had to stop his workouts for a little bit because he busted up his ankle trying to ollie on a skateboard when he was all drunked up at a party. Some of the boys were saying that he had to be taken to the hospital that night, but when the nurse comes in to take a look at hes foot that he just asked if her if she liked the Beastie Boys. Nurse says “who is that?”, and Crosby apparently just goes “Pfft, figures” and walked out on his own power. I bet he’ll be at camp and ready to go for the start of the season.”

Leonard spots Crosby at Beaver Lake, throws in Brad Marchand story to boot:

“Don’t listen to them agents and doctors, I saw Crosby lacing up his skates like he was gonna head out on Beaver Lake for a skate and it was the middle of July. Now tell me what kind of guy with his head on right would try and skate on a lake in the middle of the summer? He’s done.

Not really related, but any interest in a Brad Marchand story? That guy rolled into the Liquor Dome the other night with a white linen suit on with a top hat. My buddy Merle took one look at him and moved in to knock him out. Marchand ducked and then grabbed a hold of Merle and roughed him all up just like he did that Sedin sister in the playoffs. That guy’s tough as nails.”

Mark from Trenton, NS with this softball tale:

“Boys were saying they saw him cranking balls over the fence like it was no big deal at the Festival of the Tartans lob ball tournament in Pictou County. Gator, Mook, and Bobby Knuckles were apparently right pissed cuz they normally finish the tourney 1-2-3 in homers, but Crosby hit something like 21 of them in three games. I’ve seen that video of him smacking one out of PNC Park in Pittsburgh too, so it’s probably true eh?”

Patti on a Sidney sighting:

“It was a few weeks back but my boyfriend and I saw this SUV driving in reverse across the MacDonald Bridge in Halifax. Gerry sped up so we could get a closer look at what was going on with this fella and lo and behold it was Sidney Crosby. He had a helmet made of watermelon on and said he was trying to get to the Metallica concert before they played “South of Heaven”. Gerry’s from Stellarton so he caught it right away, but that’s really a Slayer song, not Metallica. Poor boy.”

Houses of the Hockey is not responsible for any factual inaccuracies. If you have to ask if these reports are indeed true then maybe it’s you that needs a head check.