Proof that goaltenders make a lot of bad decisions

Bobby Goepfert is goaltending for the DEG Metro Stars in the DEL these days (for more info on Bobby, check out his first piece for us, in which he takes offense to me being all for goalie abuse).

When you leave college and start playing professionally, the amount of down time seems mind-boggling. Being without a car in an unfamiliar city as Goepfert is must really pile on the available hours.

At least we know what he’s been using it for. Here’s GeffMan, asking the hard-hitting questions on TV.

*****

After grinding out years in the minors and now being on a European tour, I can tell you that the lifestyle of a pro hockey player away from the rink isn’t as glamorous as one may think. Given, I’ve never spent a day in the NHL besides my two week training camp (my first year pro) where I pulled my groin on day two. I spent the rest of the camp biking next to JS Giguere as he recovered from his hernia surgery. (I was in awe, and became socially awkward during our conversations. Perhaps that’s a story for another blog.)

“Geffs, stretch my calves for me, bud?”

The schedules are normally pretty light during the season. Practice in the morning, then you are pretty much done by the early afternoon. Here in Germany, I only get two english channels, so my TV consumption is mainly TV shows, DVDs and the movies.

Now most of you are thinking, “why not bounce around and check out the sights or travel?” Well for one, this year I didn’t ask the team to provide me with a car, as I’m centrally located and the inner New Yorker in me doesn’t mind walking around…though grocery shopping is a pain.

And second, I enjoy my down time. I enjoy relaxing, getting away from the stresses of the job and getting lost in a show or movie. Though I do find myself developing a hermit lifestyle and becoming somewhat of a recluse ala the Grinch, sitting atop his mountain with his dog. But the Grinch didn’t have a flat screen, multiple seasons of great television series and movies as he peered out his balcony, bothered by the joy everyone else in Who-Ville was having with their daily activities.

I have seen so many series and movies that for this blog I thought I would rant about some things in movies or shows I have watched that have irked me and left me with unanswered questions. I have posted some of these on Twitter, so if you are reading them again, then they weren’t answered. There will be no rhyme or reason to this next rant.

1) 24: Why are Jack Bauer’s theories and methods questioned? The guy gets results and pretty much single-handedly brings down terrorist plot after terrorist plot despite the constant change in leadership. It seems every 7 hours, CTU has a new asshole commander. And when does he pee or eat? I would love just a small shot of JB, like in those four screened shots they do, in the top right at McD’s just mowing down a Big Mac.

2. Signs: You’re telling me this intelligent alien life form invades earth which is 80% water (didn’t fact check that one but it has to be close to 80 right?) not knowing that A) it is 80% water and B) that water kills them. I’ll tell you one thing, somebody on the Alien Research and Development team got fired. And I’ll tell you a second thing. Joaquin Phoenix swings a baseball bat like a middle school girl. And for the minor league home run leader, he really choked up on that bat, so much so that I thought he was going to sacrifice bunt the Alien. Enough M. Knight….

3. Lord of the Rings: Couldn’t Gandolf summon one of those eagles that picked up Frodo and Sam at the end and SEND them on their backs to Mordor and destroy the ring in the first place? And if everyone else in Middle Earth knows how to destroy the ring, I assume Sauron does too. You would think he would put some guards around the one place that destroys the ring. Or at least a periodic gaze every minute over there to check it out. And can we talk about how many chicks Legolas probably got in Rivendell? Geffman-esque….

4. House: Why is it never Lupus? Every episode it seems Lupus is always a possibility, but it never is. You can always bank on House’s first 3 guesses being wrong too.

5. Paranormal Activity: Everyone has secrets. I get it. But it takes a real bitch of a person not to tell your boyfriend before you move in with him that a demon has been following you since you were six. I don’t know when that conversation would come up, probably a deal breaker, but it is a conversation that needs to be had none the less. And honestly, if I am filming my house and get footage of my girlfriend standing at the foot of the bed from 1am-4am, rocking back and forth in a trance, I am gone like the wind. Call me heartless, call me all the names in the book, but no chance that relationship works out. 10 minutes after I see that footage, I am on a beach somewhere with a pina colada in my hand having left a note with two words, “Good Luck.”

6. Sons of Anarchy: Jax, I know you have captured the hearts of the female population with your bad boy biker routine, but your “tough guy” walk needs work. Too much arm swaying and your strides are too long.

7. The Wicker Man: Where’s my refund?

I can go on and on – my TV addiction might be something that needs looking into – but I do have an editor (@jtbourne) that is a stickler for my word count. I hope you enjoyed reading, and feel free to add some of your “irks”, “questions,” or “peeves.”

******

UPDATE: Apparently, GeffMan wasn’t alone in asking that question about Lord of the Rings. That website tries to explain why the below video apparently wasn’t possible:

Comments (16)

  1. Totally agree on the Jax thing. Although I think you see this issue come up alot, especially with running. Watch Keanu Reeves run in The Replacements. He’s terrible at it.

    You always have to remember. These are the theater kids you saw in high school running around with capes on. They are acting tough. Inside they are skipping along to a Godspell track.

  2. It’s painful watching sports movies and thinking “oh wow, he’s exceptionally terrible at that particular sporty movement.”

  3. From a LOTR geek: How long, exactly, do you think it would have taken the Eagles to be discovered before they got to Mount Doom with the ring? Over/under 15 minutes? ;- )

    They discuss a lot of this stuff in the book, if you’re interested, including Sauron’s vulnerabilities. The main reason why he doesn’t have anyone guard Mt. Doom is because he simply cannot imagine anyone wanting to destroy the ring. Because HE would never destroy it. Which sort of is one of the main points of the book. See how insidious it all is? It makes you THINK! Haha.

    • It should also be noted that using Mt. Doom to unforge the ring was an entirely theoretical option until it actually happened. Despite there being 18 rings of power that were originally created, it’s not like anyone had ever tried to destroy one. For all they knew, it would turn out that (like Adamantium a la Marvel) once the ring cooled/set it was impossible to melt down again. Would *that* have been awkward…

  4. If you want the geek answer WRT Lord of the Rings, Gandalf was never involved in getting ahold of the Eagles – his buddy Radagast wandered off to have a chat with his non-human friends and at the end of the quest showed back up and went “Oh, yeah, so they’re happy to help.” The more literary answer is that Tolkien needed a Deus ex Machina and sort of shoved the plot hole under a rug.

    WRT Paranormal Activity, I 110% salute your honesty and fully pragmatic approach.

  5. The answer to the Signs thing is that the little girl is an angel and the only water that actually hurts the aliens is the water she is leaving all around the house, after she has “blessed it”

  6. Paranormal Activity- Hah! Didn’t the demon demand the first born or something as a tribute? You’d think the girls might have outsmarted it by playing for the other team or something. “Yeah, sure, have my first kid” *giggle* “Have you met my girlfriend, Leslie?”

    Would have made a much more entertaining movie as a bonus.

  7. Mike and Char- Thanks for the LOTR insight. I never read the books despite guys on my team telling me they are awesome and are better than the movie. I have a hard time believing that since I am a big fan of the trilogy. But perhaps I will throw the novels on my “To Do” list, as you have read I have lots of free time.

    Chris- Where did you come up with that? How is the little girl an angel? Did I miss something in the movie? From my recollection, all the aliens from all over the were being repelled by water and that girl wasn’t blessing the waters in Brazil and Bombay.

    Another “irk” of a TV show premise I had but couldnt fit into the piece because of my strict word budget was “How I met your mother”. My gal loves it so I have to sit through all of them and I enjoy the show too (Barney makes the show) but Ted…come on. First off, I understand he wants to find a woman and all that but he it gets to the point of me yelling at the tv, “Chill out man, just go enjoy nights out with your friends.” And did his kids know that when their father asked if they wanted to hear about how he met their mother that he would start the story talking about all his failed relationships, sexual conquests of him and “uncle Barney”, his sexual relationship with “Aunt Robyn” and the story would take 7 years to tell? Come on Ted, figure it out.

    • I’m actually an Em, as opposed to a Mike, but you’re welcome. Pro-tip when it comes to getting through the trilogy: it gets better if you can get past the Council of Elrond; the pace picks up and the action gets a bit more balanced. Book 5 (first half of Return of the King) is also a bit on the deadly side, with a ridiculous amount of “and then they walked through the Dead Marshes. The marshes that were dead.”

      Fair warning, the language style and usage isn’t for everyone – I’ve known English Lit majors who had trouble getting through the trilogy – but I think you’ll get a lot out of it if you get the chance to sit down and plow through them.

      • Well, I had decided to re-read the books at some point since I saw the Hobbit. After the article above about the eagles and your posts I think I’m gonna bump that up in my timeline.

  8. Perhaps Herr Goepfert ought to spend some of his copious time learning a little German? He’d be able to watch other channels.

    (And, interactions with the locals and teammates might be easier and more productive.)

    Call the Goethe Institut…

  9. Barney really does make that show, but I’m with you on that wanting to beat Ted over the head. In the end I keep turning it back on though.

    Have you been introduced to Leverage yet?

    It was Lupus once but since they’re is no cure for it, it makes for a sad ending. House wants to*fix* things darn it!

    @skennedy3 Love! I’m gonna start humming Gospel tunes every time I watch a sports movie now <3

  10. Was at the DEG/Hamburg game on Sunday while passing through town, man is the atmosphere different than North America! How about we see Bobby write about playing in such a different atmosphere.

  11. Problem with the whole “water” deal from signs- Uh, yeah, hi, it’s called HUMIDITY. Such a crappy ending.

  12. Interestingly enough, one episode of House does have Lupus as the answer.

    House himself even says “I finally have a case of Lupus!”

  13. No rants about Lost or The Shield? And since you’re on the M Night stuff, how about the idea of sending the blind girl into the woods to save the day ala The Village.
    Hey, whatever floats you’re furnace, miss ya back home

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