The work environment for a hockey player is a little different from that of your average worker. But like your average worker, they too have some minor annoyances.
Maybe you work in an office where someone plays their music juuust a little too loud (like Milton in Office Space). Maybe your desk is next to someone who eats curried shrimp and tuna sandwiches for lunch, daily. Maybe you want to punch both of those people.
While those people live in ignorant bliss, the rest of us suffer. Well, hockey teams have those people too. Here’s a list of the guys who are somehow unaware that they’re “that guy.”
Guy who jumps in the short skate line
In a number of drills, one player will have to go to the far blue line to pick up the puck, while another player will leave a different line and only have to cut the short blue. There’s a huge number of variations of this, where one line has to skate more than the other.
“That guy” in this case constantly finds the short line, leaving you to go long, every time. Infuriating.
Not surprisingly, this is the same guy who finds the line with the most people in it during bag skates to minimize his turns.
Guy who does nothing but shoot pucks at your steel in skate-around
Before every practice, teams mindlessly do the same counter-clockwise laps to start to warm-up. You pass the puck to the other side in the neutral zone, attempt to go bar-down on every shot, chat with teammates, stretch.
Unfortunately, every team has the guy who rifles pucks at your skates constantly, and has zero interest in actually warming up. This guy is supremely annoying.
If he gets you as you’re turning, down you go. If he gets you flush, your steel might break.
I’m all for a few cute warning shots in good-hearted fun, but geezus buddy it’s over.
Guy who asks 20 questions about the drill instead of going to the back (right away) and watching
“So I go to the far blue and pick up the puck?
“Where am I passing it?”
“That line, to Smitty”
“And then you just curl back and come on a 2-on-1?”
“No, then you’re moving it to the d-man who’s jumped out, you’ll regroup and take a 2-on-1 the other way.”
“HOLY SHIT MOVE, WE’RE DONE HERE.”
Guy who breaks the “let’s not kill each other” unspoken truce in battle drills
In practice, you often skate as hard as you can. But you never go max out on the physical stuff, idiot.
So there you are, going through the motions when your partner has the puck, poking for it, pushing, trying to get it without trying to get it. Then on your turn, dude who acts like a rabid pitbull, cross-checking you and trying as hard as he can? Man, why don’t you get it like everyone else?
Guy at the front of the line after a “tough to grasp” drill was explained who books it to the back right before he’s supposed to go, leaving you in the role of drill-wrecker
I’ve written about drill wreckers before here. I personally don’t mind being near the front of the line if I only kinda-sorta get a drill – once I see someone do it once, it’ll confirm what I thought (or I’ll figure it out), and I’m good to go.
The guy who’s been napping during the explanation, then asks you “what are we doing?” right before it’s time to start, then heads to the back of the line can eff right off.
Then you have the awkward stand-around after the whistle blows, and coach snaps. Now you’re that guy.
Guy whose asthma only acts up during bag skates, never games
We’re on to you.
Guy who’s mad at his line that day (after a demotion) so he doesn’t try, insulting his linemates who were happy to have him
You’re on the 2nd or 3rd line (often tough to tell which is which), and you come to the rink that morning to see lines have changed (by the colour of jersey in each stall). You’re pumped to get a 1st line guy, whether he’s been struggling or not, and figure if you can get a few games with that guy you could snare a few extra points and help yourself out. You’re on a more important line now.
Turns out the 1st line guy is in full pout mode, won’t be F1 on the forecheck, and drags your line down, which makes you look worse. Brutal.
Guy checking out his style in the glass
This guy will have his tongues out, practice jersey sleeves pulled up so the elbow pads hold them in place, chinstrap undone, and gum in.
He takes full advantage of glass being somewhat reflective. What an ass.
Guy who won’t give up his spot in rebound when a lot of guys want to play
“Rebound” is the game every team ever plays after practice, and is best with five guys and a goalie. Seven guys max.
This guy “was there first,” like some kid on a playground, and no matter how many games go by, he leaves the guys waiting for a spot to open up to play keep-away in the neutral zone for 15 minutes like jerks.
(These are grown men, and this shit actually happens.)
Oh, and there’s one more….
Can’t stop playing with the pucks while coach is talking guy
Yep. That’s me.