Last night, everyone was talking about Sidney Crosby’s moustache. His upper-lip warmer has long been the gold standard in the NHL for terrible moustaches since we first saw his patchy attempt at a playoff beard in 2008. After 320 days, Crosby made his return to NHL action right at the height of Movember Madness and all anyone could talk about was the return of his pencil-thin patchiness.
Unfortunately for Sidney, in the time he was gone he lost his crown. Martin St. Louis has the worst moustache in hockey and it is glorious.
The thing with Martin St. Louis’ moustache is that it is stealthily awful. It’s not wispy like that of teammate Vincent Lecavalier. It’s not patchy like Crosby’s. In fact, it’s respectably full after 3 weeks of growth. Well, except for right down the middle.
It takes a big man to wear the reverse-Hitler. Or, I guess, a very small man in the case of St. Louis.
The entire Lightning team is participating in Movember in honour of Tampa Bay assistant coach Wayne Fleming, who is recovering from brain surgery back in May to remove a tumour. While Movember focuses on men’s cancers, particularly prostate cancer, I think we can all agree that all cancer sucks balls. Agreed? Agreed.
With everyone else on his team sporting lip toupées, the awfulness of St. Louis’ moustache stands in stark contrast to other, much better moustaches.
Admittedly, St. Louis had the same moustache at this time last year, but with so many more NHL players sporting moustaches this time around, it’s even more startling to see the Chaplin-stache-sized gap between St. Louis’ left and right moustache extremities. Since he doesn’t have the ready-made excuse of still being a teenager or in his early twenties, it’s even more egregious.
It’s not his fault, of course, unless he purchased a very, very small razor to keep his philtrum completely clean-shaven. In that case, he is a very weird man. The only possible way his moustache could be any more comical would be if he grew a soul patch, creating the illusion that he transplanted the middle of his moustache to below his lips.
Let’s face it, on a five-point scale of bad moustaches, Martin St. Louis clearly rates a 5. Sidney Crosby’s moustache earns 4 points, tops. I could see that everyone on twitter last night was thinking the exact same thing.