This post is me having fun. It is inspired by doses of Dustin Penner delicious pancake issues, rumors Craig Anderson’s “food related injury” were also pancake related, and a Ralph Nader letter which has already been discussed here. Smile. It’s almost the weekend.
Dear Mr. Bettman:
It’s time to act. The National Hockey League must take immediate steps to ban all NHL players from preparing and consuming pancakes over the duration of their career.
Pancakes, while fluffy and delicious, can no longer be simply debated in the realm of hockey while we watch the heroes of our children fall to our favorite breakfast treat. The research surrounding the effects of pancakes on the body is nothing short of staggering and must bring action from the NHL. The injuries which are being inflicted on the backs, limbs and fingers of high performance athletes cannot be ignored. Let’s not forget that uncomfortable groaning feeling which accompanies a particularly hearty stack.
Commissioner Bettman, it’s very possible that pancakes and pancake related injuries will drastically shift the dynamic of sports injury evaluation in the coming century. While medicine has advanced, pancakes have stayed the same, evading treatment and flexing their unwavering might.
Science has not given us the answers to our pancake problems, but are we to simply dismiss the research we conduct internally? A full tummy is an equally inquisitive scientist in spite of our cries to “chew slower,” “use more syrup,” or “settle down with that knife.”
Pancake related trauma has drastically altered the careers of Dustin Penner and (allegedly) Craig Anderson. There are NHLers all over North America tomorrow who will rise from their beds and prepare to devour mounds of pancakes as many as three or SIX HIGH! How can the NHL turn a blind eye to such recklessness? It is entirely possible that pancakes could exacerbate concussions. There is no proof against this and therefore it must be true.
Your league has created a department of player safety. That’s well and good. But a quick question: How can you continue to allow pancakes, in which the primary aim of consumption is to fill your stomach with hearty goodness as rapidly as possible? The starch and sugar involved are only capable of damage to the stomach and should be treated as a threat to the athlete. They cannot be trusted to know any better. It is impossible to resist such deliciousness.
You don’t have to be a pioneer in this area Mr. Bettman. The International Ice Hockey Federation (IIHF) already bans pancakes and encourages the lighter, calorie-wise crepe. So does the Ontario Hockey League (OHL), and NCAA by providing billet homes with recipe books filled with hockey optimal, pancake-free recipes.
While there are certainly many potential rule changes that need to be carefully examined to make sure they result in a safer game, banning pancakes isn’t one of them. It’s clear that allowing pancakes at all is of a detriment to those who call themselves part of the NHL family.
Mr. Bettman, you’re the leader of the most influential hockey organization in the world. As such, you have the responsibility to make hockey as safe as possible for the players in the NHL. You also have the moral responsibility to be a good sports citizen that has confessed to sources that you are, in fact, a foodie. Eradication and education are the answer to preventing hockey players and their families from unknowingly consuming pancakes.
According to an analysis of hockey-related pancake injuries written by Jo Innes of Backhand Shelf, “Pancake injuries are a real thing.”
“While it’s truly hilarious that Penner hurt himself eating pancakes, it’s a completely legit injury,” said Innes. “A ridiculous, hilarious, legit injury.”
That may be true, but nobody is laughing until it happens again.
Mr. Bettman, your position as commissioner of the NHL demands that you confront this issue with the evidence provided by your stomach, like the one time it hurt real bad after having pancakes, and not your love of syrup, butter and goodness. This is the foremost step that you can take to ensure the long term health of NHL athletes and their loved ones is brought into the minds of fans worldwide.
On behalf of hockey players everywhere – and their families — here’s hoping you have the strength and courage to take this decisive step.
Pancakes are destroying careers. Don’t let them take our league. Please Mr. Bettman, ban pancakes.