Hal Gill is a +1 in any jersey.

No offense to any of you guys whose lives got turned upside down as one of the moving pieces of Monday’s trade deadline, but damn… what a snooze.

The contrarian in me actually enjoys those 2 or 3 hours of Squirm-o-vision at the beginning of the broadcast: 20 hockey analysts (and one awkward Alyonka Larionov) casually dispersed around the studio praying for something to happen so they don’t have to resort to making fun of each others suits just to have something to say.

But even I still managed to tire of poor Darren Dreger desperately hammering his Blackberry in pursuit of the Nash trade that would never break.

Eventually, though, a few trades rolled in and the analysis began: What’s this guy going to bring to his new team? What’s the absence of this other guy going to do? Which team got the better deal? What is Brian Burke’s tie’s reaction to the trade?

But of course, we all know it’s really just speculation until there’s a body of work from each guy with his new team… and that Burke’s tie hates ALL the trades, but only because the Toronto media is such a bunch of poopieheads.

I, however, have analysis of the deadline trades you can bank on, because it’s in an area where players have an immediate, irrefutable impact: Team Attractiveness.

You may recall my very serious analysis of league-wide team attractiveness a while back, but now that the branches have been shaken a bit, the situation merited re-analysis.

A few interesting stats:

  • No teams moved more than one point in any direction, which isn’t really a surprise given how few moves were made, but two teams (Nashville and Colorado) negated +1 additions by either picking up a -1, too, or trading away a +1 in a separate move.
  • The Habs’ dumping of Kostisyn was addition by subtraction as it moved them from a -3 overall to a -2.
  • Tragic that the Oilers, who needed the most help of all, didn’t even budge from their -8 rating. Nick Schultz won’t save you, Grease. Sorry.
  • Two +4 teams, Vancouver and Winnipeg, lost ground trading away +1 hotties Hodgson and Oduya, respectively, and now toil in the ranks of fellow +3s, Minnesota and Washington.
  • The big winner in the team rankings was the only team to leapfrog another team: Chicago’s addition of Oduya puts them at a head-turning +11, one point ahead of the Hurricanes, but still behind those uberfoxy Rangers.

So, congrats to the Blackhawks on that accomplishment, and for a break-down of each trade (at least the ones that had an impact), keep reading:

Trade: Canadiens’ Hal Gill to Nashville for Blake Geoffrion and Robert Slaney

Winner: Nashville

Reasoning: Giant defensive Adonis Hal Gill bumps Nashville’s already respectable Team Attractiveness up to +5, while two cutish, AHL-ish guys aren’t much help to a Montreal team already struggling in the basement of TA ratings.

Trade: Lightning’s Steve Downie to the Avalanche for Kyle Quincey

Winner: (this pains me) Colorado

Reasoning: This is straight, by-the-numbers analysis. Downie’s a +1, Quincey’s just a regular looking dude at 0. The lesson here? Sometimes the bad guy wins, kids.

Trade: Lightning’s (barely) Quincey to Detroit for Sebastien Piche and a 1st rounder

Winner: Lightning

Reasoning: Stevie Yzerman may get a statue outside the Ms. Conduct World Headquarters for this switcheroo. He dumps attractive-but-karmically-suspect Downie to the Avs, unloads average-looking Quincey on Detroit, and ends up with a first round pick and a sassy-looking prospect?

*bowing to thee* If Yzerman drafts a foxy, ubertalented youngster with that pick, he’s the greatest GM ever.

Trade: Columbus’ Antoine Vermette to Phoenix for Curtis McElhinney and 1-ish picks

Winner: Phoenix

Reasoning: Vermette’s a +1 superfox and McElhinney… wait, he’s pretty cute, too. But we’re playing NHL rules here and he’s in the AHL, so unless Columbus gets George Clooney-as-Batman in the draft with that guaranteed 2nd round pick, they’re toast on this deal.

Trade: Blue Jackets’ Jeff Carter to the Kings for Jack Johnson

Winner: Blue Jackets

Reasoning: Both decent-looking guys, but I think we’ve established that Carter, while his mama probably loves him, is the sort of guy you wouldn’t even trust to babysit your dog. Meanwhile, I have a feeling Sidney Crosby isn’t in the habit of surrounding himself with idiots, or at least not being BFFs and giggling uncontrollably at them:

Trade: Wild’s Marek Zidlicky to the Devils for Kurtis Foster, Stephan Veilleux, Nick Palmieri, and two picks

Winner: Wild

Reasoning: YAYYY! Zidlicky’s gone!!!! *happy dance*

*ahem* What I mean is, in some cases, when attractiveness is sitting at neutral for all parties involved, you turn to general likability, which Foster has in spades. That alone is a win for Minnesota. Plus, if they can do something with either of those picks, double bonus.

Trade: Rangers’ Wojtek Wolski to Florida for Mike Vernace and a 2013 3rd rounder

Winner: Rangers

Reasoning: This is more of a win by lack of losing. The Rangers are so damn good looking, and in this trade, did nothing to diminish that, yet got two guys out of the deal. It’s a squeaker of a win, but a W’s a W (no Wojtek Wolski pun intended).

Trade: Blues’ Ben Bishop to Ottawa for a 2nd rounder

Winner: Ottawa (by a landslide)

Reasoning: Ben Bishop is 6’7” and does this before every period:

Epic backbend photos by Chris Jerina/AHLinPhotos.com

In fact, Ottawa wins the whole freaking trade deadline for this acquisition, I don’t care if he only ever plays in Binghamton.

Trade: Montreal’s Andrei Kostitsyn to Nashville for 1-ish pick

Winner: Montreal

Reasoning: The Habs dumped a really solid -1 in Kostitsyn. The world is their oyster with that 2013 2nd round pick. Think chiseled features, Montreal scouts.

Trade: Detroit’s Mike Commodore for Tampa’s 7th round pick in 2013

Winner: Bahhhh.

Reasoning: *blank stare*

Gilbert

Trade: Wild’s Nick Schultz to Oilers for Tom Gilbert

Winner: Wash

Reasoning: I’m only including this one because it was such a significant trade, but really, the guys look like they could be brothers. Very average-looking brothers.

Trade: Colorado’s Daniel Winnik and TJ Galiardi plus a pick to the Sharks for Jamie McGinn, Mike Connolly, and Michael Sgarbossa

Winner: Sharks

Reasoning: Winnik is +1 and super cute, though he may have to fight with Patrick Marleau over who has the most commanding eyebrows on the team. Or maybe just a thumb war. No sense in anybody getting punched in the face.

Schultz

Trade: Winnipeg’s Johnny Oduya to the Blackhawks for a couple of 2013 picks

Winner: Blackhawks

Reasoning: Oduya was a +1 on Winnipeg’s +4 rated defense, which is a lotta foxy for one blue line. Now, Winnipeg loses a +1 and Oduya bumps Chicago’s defensive corps up to a +6. Holy smokin’ backward crossover party! I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Stan Bowman.

Trade: Islanders’ Brian Rolston and Mike Mottau to the Bruins for Marc Cantin and Yannick Riendeau

Winner: Islanders by a hair

Reasoning: By a hair, I mean, Cantin has really nice hair and would surely be a +1 if he were in the NHL.

Trade: Chicago’s John Scott to the Rangers for a 5th rounder

Winner: Rangers

Reasoning: Johnny was my first hockey love back when he was a Houston Aero, and even though he kinda looks like a giant Mr. Bean, he’s got this goofy charm and adorable face. And it will stay that way because he’s 9 feet tall and, even though he’s a fighter, opponents can’t actually reach his face.

Trade: Vancouver’s Cody Hodgson and Alexander Sulzer for Buffalo’s Zack Kassian and Marc-Andre Gragnani

Winner: Buffalo

Reasoning: The Sabres just crushed this trade. Hodgson is a solid +1 and while I had Sulzer as a 0, on second look, he’s a pretty good looking ginger. Meanwhile, Vancouver loses a hottie and a half and gets nothing spectacular in return. When you’re as bad as Buffalo has been this season, rallying the troops with eye candy isn’t a half bad plan.

Ultimately, not a huge shake up at the deadline, but some GMs can pat themselves on the back for making improvements on the ice (potentially) and off the ice (definitely). And at the very least, it gives me an excuse to look at pictures like this and call it “work”:

Vermette should only wear shirts for safety purposes, like while frying food.

Comments (3)

  1. First question: How did I miss your team analysis post?

    Second question: How on earth does a team that possesses Patrice Bergeron end up tied for 22nd in league attractiveness? Really? Seriously?

    Third question: How does Hall Gill get mentioned in the same sentence as Adonis?

    Fourth question (actually a statement): Hockey players should never cut their hair.

  2. ummm thank you for that photo of Vermette. How was I unaware of that sexiness? Wow! Seriously thank you.

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