The worst franchise evar plays here. (Pic by Sumanch)

I know I’m not supposed to do this. I’m not supposed to let some arbitrary list created by random fan opinions bug me enough to write about it, therefore getting said list more pageviews, and more credibility.

But this list is terrible, and according to ESPN, represents the views of hockey fans. Why it’s terrible, specifically, is that it doesn’t. At all.

The poll results show the Toronto Maple Leafs as the current worst franchise in sports. As in, fans of the Leafs are having the worst experience of any team in any major sport. Get lost with that. (We’re in the clear, Isles fans!)

The main problem from where I’m sitting is in defining the metrics of “what do fans want in return for their time, money, and emotional investment?” (Fans were asked to choose from 25 options – I blame ESPN for not creating the right ones if these are what they were left with). Here’s what they decided were the most important issues:

First problem: having both a “bang for buck,” category, and an “affordability” one puts an awful lot of weight on money, which allows the Phoenix Coyotes – still a cheap ticket on the most expensive of nights – to end up being the highest rated NHL team, and be labelled the 6th best franchise in sports.

How do you create an “Ultimate Franchise List,” see that result, and not go “okay, crap, we really need to redefine our parameters here?”

Next problem: Ownership. Yes it matters, so cool, go ahead have that be a category, I agree. But who in god’s name was voting on what’s “good ownership?” The Phoenix Coyotes are ranked 100th out of 122 major sports teams, and the League is running their team while they flounder after yet another owner who’s emptying old change jars to get the sale done. They’re ahead of 22 teams. They’re 12 spots ahead of the Toronto Maple Leafs. What?

What’s with the definition of what qualifies as good ownership? “Honesty and loyalty to the players and the core community?” The Leafs could have Voldemort as a team owner (they essentially do). Bell/Rogers shareholders could come down to the dressing room and beat the players after every practice, then cut a few players to the AHL. They could set fire to local small businesses, and they’d still deserve a higher grade than the Coyotes because they have owners. They have stability. They’re willing to spend to the salary cap. And that situation is somehow worse than bankruptcy and a three-years-in-the-works purchase process?

Hell, as an Islanders fan I consider my situation better than the Coyotes, and our owner is generally loathed by the fanbase (Isles were ranked 119 out of 122 in ownership). I get that “the League owns the Coyotes” right now (and that’s stable!), but good lord – calling that a better situation than what the Leafs have is just nonsense.

Excuse me for picking on the Coyotes a bit here (I’m a bit baffled by it all), but even their fans know they’re not a “better” franchise than the Leafs. The Leafs have on-ice issues and do great off the ice; the Coyotes are hoping to stay in town. The Ultimate Franchise!

And speaking of Coyotes fans, most people are aware there aren’t a lot of them. That isn’t to say they don’t exist, but they’ve finished last in attendance repeatedly over the past decade, and their stadium experience is ranked 37th out of 122. Yet the Leafs, who sell out every game and could fill two buildings, are 104th out of 122…because the hot dogs are more expensive (that’s it isn’t it – this is a third category that focuses on price)?

Say what you want about the lower bowl at a Leafs game – it’s obviously not a raucous environment or anything, but the building is full. I didn’t think the crowd was bad at all during my couple visits this past season. If you go to a packed Coyotes game, it’s a 50/50 split between who the crowd is rooting for.

And while Arena is great (holy hell is it great, by the way), the ACC is freaking pristine too. People love the Real Sports bar just out the front door. Anything you want to get is offered at that game.

And while I’m railing on missed rankings, The Centre Bell is the 74th best stadium experience out of 122? There are 16 better NHL stadium experiences than being at a game in Montreal? Zero hockey fans were polled for this. That has to be it. I mean, they’re wedged on the list between Dallas and Buffalo – that’s not even trying.

What might be even more confusing is the “Players” ranking, not because there is one, but because of how they define it – “effort on the field and likability off it.” Really, so “talent” doesn’t factor into this? People would rather watch David Moss than Phil Kessel because the latter is shy? I’m getting mad now, ESPN. The Coyotes were ranked 11th in this category, ahead of teams with total loser players like the Rangers, Penguins and Red Wings.

I’m not saying the Leafs have a likeable team – for the most part, they do not – I’m saying I can’t believe “nice guy” is worth more than “exciting,” or even “good.”

Here’s another big reason that poll is worthless:

I’m a fan of the New York Islanders and I root for the Phoenix Coyotes. I like the Toronto Blue Jays, New York Mets and the Phoenix Suns. (I have terrible taste in teams.)

But it’s more fun being a fan of the New York Jets than any of those teams, because they’re trying to win. They’ll pull the trigger on big free agents (leave your Tebow jokes at home, thanks). They’ll spend money, they want to compete, they try to win.

It is no fun rooting for a team that’s not trying their hardest (from an ownership standpoint), and just trying to stay afloat (though Coyotes fans have been treated to some pretty special runs lately, it still sucks being that close and knowing “If they’d just pay for a couple other guys they could put this group over the top“).  Why I have to deal with multiple disastrous ownerships (Wang, Wilpons and…Bettman?), I don’t know, but it doesn’t allow me to have one thing Leafs’ fans get: hope.

They know that if they can get a big player, they’ll do it. They know that if it ain’t working, they’ll change it. I think there’s great value in that, and that’s why calling the Coyotes ownership situation better than the Leafs is garbage. Fans in Toronto never know when things could suddenly turn around.

The most incredible thing about that list isn’t necessarily even the rankings, it’s what ESPN (or ESPN’s fans, apparently) think matters.

Below is the chart of how they weighted the fan experience. The players, coaching and “title track” your team is on is worth 24.2%. The affordability, bang for your buck, and fan relations is worth 59.2%. Somehow.

I realize this isn’t some in-depth doctoral thesis or anything, but if this is remotely close to what fans what, methinks some people need to attend more AHL games.