In the interests of fairness, this is also completely absurd.

When the NHL officially announced that they were locking out the players, they crafted a message directed towards the fans that attempted to frame the lockout in as positive a light as possible. They didn’t quite succeed. From the silliness of claiming they were “negotiating around the clock” to the flat-out deceitfulness of suggesting that the previous CBA was “developed jointly with the NHL Players’ Association,” the message didn’t exactly resonate.

My favourite part was the irony of suggesting that the necessary adjustments to the CBA “are attainable through sensible, focused negotiation — not through rhetoric.” In case you’re not seeing the irony, the entire “message to the fans” is rhetoric from the NHL.

Most of the teams around the NHL simply put up the boilerplate NHL statement on their respective websites, alongside stories about their prospects and alumni, since they can’t do anything with their current players. A few teams simply avoided any mention of the lockout whatsoever on their websites, but 9 teams put together their own team-specific messages to their fans.

They’re all fairly similar: each team claims they have the most loyal fans in the league and each team appears to be far more optimistic and hopeful than those loyal fans. But since this is an absurd situation, there are also plenty of moments of absurdity in every single message to the fans. Here are the 10 most absurd sentences:

Canucks

Our staff and coaches have worked hard over the summer months to make sure we will be ready to play at a moment’s notice.

“A moment’s notice.” You never know. You have to be ready at any moment, because the league could catch us off guard and ask us to play tonight. We’re ready to play…now. Wait, now! No, not yet? How about…NOW?! No? Dang it! We were so ready…

Columbus

Over the past several months, we have made significant improvements to our team and coaching staff.

You did? Are…are you sure? I mean, I actually like the Rick Nash trade, but there’s no way that “significant” is the right adjective there and there are more than a few people who would quibble with “improvements” as well.

Dallas

We lowered ticket prices across the board.

Well, that’s nice. The tickets for the games that aren’t happening are going to be cheaper than the ones that did happen last season. What a relief.

Edmonton

We assure you our thoughts are mainly about you during these troubled times.

Bahahahahaha! That’s hilarious. And false. Mostly false.

Florida

We know that nothing can recreate the excitement of live Panthers hockey.

Correct. Nothing is at about the same level of excitement as the Panthers. Actually, I’m probably more excited about the concept of “nothing” than I am about the Panthers. If you think about it “nothing” is a pretty crazy concept. The complete absence of anything: can we actually conceive of what that could be? Really, what is nothing?

Minnesota

We are as anxious as our fans to see our new team take the ice!

We’re so anxious we’re going to use an exclamation point in our press release! But not anxious enough to pay our new team the amount we promised in the massive contracts we signed them to during the summer!

Phoenix

The NHL has opted to temporarily “lock out” its players until a new CBA has been negotiated and formally put into place.

Why the scare quotes around “lock out”? Are they not aware that a “lockout” is an actual thing, complete with a dictionary definition? Or do they think the NHL owners are being sarcastic? “Oh sure, you’re totally not allowed to talk to the coaches. Psssh, yeah, and we’re definitely going to take your practice jerseys away from you. Yeah, you’re totally ’locked out’ of the arena.”

Recently, our franchise was chosen by ESPN The Magazine as the sixth best among all North American professional sports teams and the top organization in the NHL and the Valley of the Sun.

That’s because ESPN The Magazine is stupid as hell.

St. Louis

Single game ticket buyers may keep their tickets or go to the point of purchase for a refund.

It’s really nice of them to allow people to keep the tickets that they have already purchased and are unable to use.

San Jose

The changes that are being sought in collective bargaining are being sought in the best interests of the game and all those associated with it.

Oh come on, pull the other one. The changes that are being sought in collective bargaining are being sought to put more money in the pockets of owners. Sheesh. If you’re going to use deceitful rhetoric, at least try to use more believable deceitful rhetoric than this garbage. Talk about a fair distribution of revenue or helping smaller market teams, not this.

Comments (12)

  1. “The changes that are being sought in collective bargaining are being sought in the best interests of the game and all those associated with it.

    You’ll note that San Jose avoided saying “we’re seeking” and went for the passive third-person approach, as if it’s just circumstances beyond their control.

  2. Flips the /ignore switch for anything related to the NHL until such time as all the greedy bastards on both sides decide to actually start the league.

  3. I hate hockey , in fact i hated this article. There is no hockey , yet 90% of this website headlines are hockey related, what exactly are you reporting on. This overexposure to hockey is why Canadians suck at every other sport.

    • Hockey hates you too ianzacks.

    • we don’t suck at every other sport, we’re pretty good at curling, and we’re better than than most at rugby(including the U.S) so that’s something.

      • We’re also pretty amazing at the Winter Olympics.. I don’t know if people remember this or not.. but we did finish with the most gold medals last winter olympics. We just happen to like hockey the most.

  4. Just wondering how you can mock Panther hockey. Don’t you live in Toronto?

  5. “Over the past several months, we have made significant improvements to our team and coaching staff.

    You did? Are…are you sure? I mean, I actually like the Rick Nash trade, but there’s no way that “significant” is the right adjective there and there are more than a few people who would quibble with “improvements” as well.”

    Columbus actually added a professional coaching staff as well, with Craig Hartsburg and Keith Acton joining them. I’d say they definitely improved quality-wise in aggregate between the roster and coaching staff. Maybe not significantly so, but close to it.

    • I see Craig Hartsburg everyday in the grocery I work in, in SSM, ON. He always has a scowl on his face, I now understand why.

  6. That is Classic. Awesome post. For some more hocket humour check out http://funnytoptens.blogspot.ca like Top 10 things Gary Bettman and the owners forgot to ask for in the initial CBA offer

  7. Hi to all, how is the whole thing, I think every one is getting more from this web site, and your views are pleasant in support of new users.

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