If there’s one thing we know for sure about hockey fans, it’s that they love the sport’s history. And not just the actual hockey: the old jerseys, the gear, the collectibles and beyond.

Reddit Hockey is a wonderful site for digging up old stuff, as fans head there to share the gems they’ve dug up in thrift stores, garage sales, and on the internet. One such prized finding is the image of Jaromir Jagr below, courtesy “vuvuzela332.”

Let’s take some time to break this down – and don’t act like this is lockout filler – this is important.

The year, we’ll assume, is 1992. I’m going off the hair, which is similar to the lid he rocked in the early ’90s, as shown above. His teammate, I’m sad to admit…I have no idea (Jiri Slegr?). I could use a little help there, folks. (UPDATE: Martin Straka.)

Let’s take an overall look, then go from the top down:

NICE. Work it.

First off, The Bucket:

Emphasis ours.

Your traditional mullet is said to be business in the front, and a party in the back. Lemme tell ya, that is not a very well-run business in the front.

That is a party in the front, more specifically, the type where someone hires a bartender and go-go dancers and rents a private room and keeps the room dark and people disappear to the bathroom for curious lengths of time.

The back is full-blown Woodstock, with people on mushrooms sliding down mud-slicked hills in the pouring rain and having casual sex with strangers. It’s magnificent.

The Torso Region:

In a show of perfect timing, Jagr is wearing what appears to be an NHLPA half zip sweater-shirt thing, and let’s be dead honest here, he’s not just “wearing” that thing, he’s wearing the shit out of it.

He’s opted to rock it without an undershirt, as to reveal the beginnings of pure, manly chest hair trying to climb out the top, while adding a long string necklace to keep those bad boys in place.

The tuck…the tuck is better than the mullet. The sweater tuck. If I didn’t already have a handle, I would name my Twitter account @TheSweaterTuck. Or my new blog www.thesweatertuck.wordpress.com. Which only brings us to the feature of the whole set up:

The Ratio:

I mean, we’re dealing with a nearly 3-1 leg-to-torso ratio thanks to the high pant pull. “Under the nipples” is only a mild exaggeration, but he’s clearly got the belly-button covered. It looks like his entire stomach and chest are about the height of your average shoebox. I call this the Reverse Strongmad.

Then… then there’s This Situation.

That’s the deepest crotch-to-waist jean area of all time. It’s a foot and a half of pure denim. ENDLESS DAD-LAP. You could cut that area of the jean out, sew the bottom shut, and have a very sizable reusable grocery bag. You gotta think about the environment, you guys.

And yet, with all that fabric, he’s somehow found a way to pull them up high enough to make them fit tight. I mean, tight enough to distinguish a little bait and tackle. And even with all that excellence, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the double-light wash (maybe triple? They’re almost white), which was likely the big seller at Eddie Bauer or Guess that month.

THANKFULLY, he keeps the whole set up going with what I believe is a black woven cowboy belt, just thin enough to say “I may noticeably be male, but I’ve still got the soft touch when the time is right.”

The Kicks:

Jaromir has decided to rock the low-top boots sockless today, a risky move if I know anything about foot odour (I do). A close look reveals that the shoes are an elegant hybrid of sorts: kind of boat shoes crossed with construction-like Timberlands crossed with dress shoes crossed with an electric engine that charges when you use your brakes.

If I remember that era correctly, the two inches of extra plastic on the sole indicates those are Doc Martens, and that they weigh eleventy-five pounds per boot thanks to the embedded dark matter in the heel. In retrospect, those were probably great daily training tools for a hockey player. Rocking Docs was like wearing ankle weights all day, no wonder Jagr was so good.

Jagr wasn’t just good on the ice, he was good everywhere in the early ’90′s. These days it’s a lot harder to tuck your half-zip sweater into your neck-high light-wash jeans and still have success with the lady-types. Call it a hunch here, but I’m guessing Jagr didn’t have that struggle. Man he looks good.

***

UPDATE: Nearly two decades later, Jagr and Straka are playing each other today. The best part of all, is that those outfits were for a photoshoot.

Comments (39)

  1. More of these, please. I look forward to a chapter on the legendary Iafrate Skullet.

  2. +1. This is awesome

  3. If I could insert that animated gif of Orson Welles doing the slow clap from Citizen Kane in here, I would because it’s the only appropriate reply. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

  4. Easily the best systems analysis yet.

  5. This is more than magnificent. This is everything hockey blogging can be.

  6. I think that’s fellow Czech teammate Martin Straka, probably 1992 or 1993.

    Refer to rookie card at http://www.penguins-hockey-cards.com/players/martin_straka_1.jpg

  7. 1- It’s definitely Straka in the background.

    2- Jagr DEFINITELY racked up with the ladies in the ’90s….And the bookies….And everything else. Hasn’t had a dull moment, that’s for sure.

  8. You nailed it, JB, and nary a mention of that picture making it look like they’re holding hands.

  9. Not only is this well crafted and insightful post incredibly timely, it also includes a Strongmad reference. It’s like a perfectly aged wine and/or cheese.

  10. Is it me or did Jaromir Jagr look like Razor Ramon during the 1990′s?

  11. Looks like Brad from Home Improvement. Maybe this was taken from a mission episode?

  12. My abs… they’ll be sore tomorrow. Best workout via laughter I’ve had in months!

  13. What really puts this over the top for me is that they appear to strolling through a Skoda dealership parking lot

  14. “If I remember that era correctly”

    Come on Justin, don’t make us scour reddit for images of you during that time.

  15. No words. I bow at the feet of your brilliance.

  16. Absolutely top notch work here! Pulitzer material!!

  17. Haha! They are both wearing “Mom Jeans”! Sadly, I remember that era, and wearing the women’s version of those high waist jeans. ugh

  18. Pretty good stuff, but I feel as though you made too much of an emphasis on his crotch. should have warned with NSFW in the title so my co-workers wouldnt walk by and see the crotch shot.

  19. Justin, I am coming onto this article a bit late but I had to tell you that your writing is gold. You had so many one liners I mistook you for Mr. Galifianakis himself. Touché

  20. Many thanks so much! That is actually good to hear!

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