I had commented in an earlier post that there aren’t a lot of recognizable names atop the scoring lists of European hockey leagues. More accurately, there aren’t a lot of NHL players.

Alexander Radulov is certainly a recognizable name that’s up there, having spent parts of multiple seasons with Nashville, including his most recent stop, a messy affair that led to his suspension during a crucial Predators playoff game.

For all the things that have ever been written and/or said about Radulov, one statement is noticeably absent: “he isn’t good.” The reason for this being of course, that Alexander Radulov is an excellent hockey player.

Get this: according to Wikipedia Radulov is the KHL’s all-time leading scorer (can that be true? He turned 26 in July) with 254 points. He’s a three-time league MVP and a Gagarin Cup champion (that’s their Stanley Cup, BTW). This season Radulov once again finds himself atop the KHL’s scoring leaderboard, which brings me to the sole reason for this post: the leader gets their headshot posted on the “stats” front page, and AHHHHHHHHHHHH RUNNNNNNNNNN…………



That…that picture.

Comrade Radulov will destroy you. He is staring into your soul, yet you see none of his. It is absent. He is a cyborg. His eyes are lasers, the way the Britney Spears fembots had machine guns that came out of their jubblies. His jaw is strong enough to crush metal, like Robosaurus at a monster truck rally. Pain, he feels not. Fear, he does not know. Emotion does not register. Alexander Radulov was created by Russian scientists for one reason, and one reason only: to dominate the Kontinental Hockey League, and to destroy anyone or anything that stands in his path.

…He was also designed to get bombed at clubs and miss curfew, but that’s a glitch they’re working on fixing. Nothing’s perfect.