After coming across a photo of Jaromir Jagr in the early ’90s last week, it occurred to me that the lockout would be the perfect time to analyze just how wonderfully NHLers dressed a few decades back. Naturally, that epiphany took me to where we’re headed today:

The Gretzky family, as a group, has fantastic fashion sense. Janet Jones (Gretzky) really embraced the 80s, as evidenced by the trio of photos below:

Unitards, man. Now that’s the stuff right there. (BTW, how about the text on the Playboy cover? “Wanna bet those ain’t real?” I literally have no idea what that means. You’re betting they are, or no?)

Of course, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Her daughter, Paulina Gretzky, has claimed this decade as her own:

Aztec-y AND classy. Inspired by the old Phoenix Coyotes logo, maybe? Or possibly inspired by tequila. Either or.

To Paulina, no clothes is her style. But that’s not all that fun. Not when you can leave a little to the imagination, like her father, a man of elegant style who sports his outfits with mystery in his eyes.

Wayne-o. The Gretter. The Gret-man (note: he may or may not have been called any of these things).

Wayne owned the ’80s. Look at this picture of Wayne. LOOK AT IT.

Look at Wayne with those lilting blue eyes and wispy blonde hair, lovingly coiffed to appear as though Wayne had arrived in a long and sleek red convertible on a warm fall day, wind casually tossing his hair towards the taillights while the Momas and the Papas sang “California Dreamin’.” All the leaves are brown…

His delicate facial features, light skin and eyes are beautifully accented with thin gold jewelry, nearly guaranteeing the fact that at least three men per day will do a double-take, almost certain a sexy blonde just traipsed past.

To showcase of The World’s Most ’80s jewelry, Wayne has hiked up the sleeves on his form fitting waffle-knit sweater, as thick stripes of non-recurring pastel colours cross his thin chest and envelope his shapely arms.

And further DEAR GOD WHAT’S HE CHANGED INTO NOW???

Yyyyeeaahhhhh, Wayne. There it is.

NOW Wayne’s feelin’ hot. This is more his style. He’s given up the uncomfortable “here’s what they made me wear look” to change back into his “how ya like me now, baby?’ vibe. Yeahhh, you like it. You KNOW you like it.

This is Jerry Seinfeld’s pirate shirt. This is a “blouse.” This is ribbed for his pleasure and hers.

This is a reminder that, much like on the ice, nobody can touch The Great One’s performance during the ’80s. As hard as the woman may try, the man of the family will always be the Gretzky family’s central figure.