Editor’s note: If you’re not someone who follows Down Goes Brown on Twitter and reads his blog regularly, you’re badly missing out. He contributes to Grantland and National Post, and recently compiled a book called The Best of Down Goes Brown: Greatest Hits and Brand New Classics-to-Be from Hockey’s Most Hilarious Blog, which is chalk full of original content, all of which is predictably fantastic.
DGB was kind enough to pass along one of those original posts for us to check out below. You can purchase his book on Amazon here for under 12 bucks. It’s well worth it.
Host: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight’s broadcast of every post-game call-in show ever. I’m your host, the lowest ranking employee of this station. I will now read the phone number too quickly for anyone to write down because I’m hoping against hope that we have no callers tonight. Let’s go to the phones!
Caller #1: Yes, hi. I have an opinion on the game I just listened to that will make it abundantly clear that I lack even a basic understanding of hockey.
Host: I will attempt to politely correct your misconceptions while letting the tone of my voice imply that you are a simpleton.
Caller #1: This is a counterpoint that is based on a strategy I once used in NHL 94.
Host: I will now hang up on you but pretend it was your cell phone malfunctioning. Next caller?
Caller #2: I’d like to waste airtime by informing you of how long I’ve been a listener.
Host: I am sounding mildly annoyed while I say thanks and urge you to go ahead.
Caller #2: This is a generic observation about tonight’s game, which is technically accurate but so breathtakingly obvious as to be completely worthless.
Host: I am sitting with my eyes closed and quietly rubbing my temples while I throw to the next caller.
Caller #3: The previous caller made the exact same point I wanted to make, but I will repeat it instead of just hanging up, because I like the sound of my own voice.
Host: Duly noted. Next caller, hello?
Caller #4: I am confused because I’m trying to listen to myself on the radio while I talk to you.
Host: Have you not listened to a call-in program in the last thirty years, caller?
Caller #4 (echoing faintly): WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Host: Well, at least this can’t get any worse. Next caller?
Caller #5: I have a trade proposal.
Host: Oh dear lord.
Caller #5: Here is my completely ridiculous proposal, which involves acquiring a superstar player from another team in exchange for several terrible players and, to make it fair, a fourth-round pick.
Host: I am unscrewing the top on a bottle of Jack Daniels while awaiting your explanation of why any team would want to trade a superstar for a collection of players that fans in this city have concluded are terrible.
Caller #5: I am basing my proposal on the assumption that the other team will be unaware of this, as they do not employ any scouts or have access to a television.
Host: I am trying but failing to disguise the disgust in my voice as I throw to the next caller.
Caller #6: I am reading this overly scripted call from a piece of paper while trying very hard to sound like Jim Rome.
Host: I am regretting every vocational decision I have ever made.
Caller #6: Failed attempt to introduce my own catchphrase.
Host: Next caller.
Caller #7: I have a surprisingly rational and well-reasoned point to make that is critical of senior members of the team’s front office.
Host: I am afraid to say anything because we are the official radio rights holder and cannot criticize the team in any meaningful way.
Caller #7: Continued cogent argument.
Host: Cell phone malfunction!
Caller #7: (dial tone)
Host:I see that it’s now time for my producer to awkwardly get his nightly seven seconds of airtime for no reason.
Producer: My voice is disturbingly squeaky.
Host: Back to the callers!
Caller #8: I would like to explain an elaborate league-wide conspiracy theory, based on one icing call that went against my team in the first period.
Host: I will allow you to continue talking because I am furiously updating my résumé.
Caller #8: I will continue explaining the vast officiating conspiracy against my team while ignoring the fact that our best player broke his stick over the referee’s head without receiving a penalty in both the second and third periods.
Host: I will now try to fit in one last caller even though we are seven seconds away from having to go to a break.
Caller #9: Why are you playing music over top of . . .
Host: Sorry, caller, we need to go. Stay tuned for a sports update that will tell you the score of a game we just spent twenty minutes talking about, followed by three-dozen used car commercials, followed by me crying silently into the microphone until morning.
Excerpted from The Best of Down Goes Brown: Greatest Hits and Brand New Classics-to-Be From Hockey’s Most Hilarious Blog. Copyright (c) 2012 by Sean McIndoe. Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.