Jamie McBain plays for the Carolina Hurricanes. The first time I ever heard of him my mind immediately went to the Simpsons and their famous Arnold Schwarzenegger inspired movie series. I’m not sure who plays Mendoza in my mind, but the comparison is definitely there.

As a frequent listener of the PRODcast, I was inspired by a discussion Riley and Ian had about people/bands/athletes whose name sound one way and are completely different in real life. They even went as far as citing Logan Couture as an example. He does not sound like a hockey player. He sounds like something much ritzier.

In what I think should go well, I give you five hockey players who ought to be doing something else with their lives, based on their names.

Logan Couture – British Sailor

Is there a more hoitey-toitey name in sports than Logan Couture? I doubt it. When I hear his name I think of a rich British man who raises fancy dogs and spends time at the yacht club on the weekend. As such, if Mr. Couture wants to live up to his namesake in a more literal fashion, I suggest he pick up British citizenship and practice his beam reaches.

Cardigans and poodle breeding are encouraged.

Jean-Francois Jacques – WWE French Canadian Caricature

He has three French first names! Three! Typically speaking anytime you have three first names lined up one after another it’s some sort of satirical ploy. Consider the following which I have plucked from the Top 100 most popular boys names list: Alexander-Aiden Daniel. If anything, I would expect that to be a Saturday Night Live parody of a Texas Longhorns quarterback. The fact J-F Jacques plays his game on the more rugged side of things only lends itself to this.

His patented catchphrase: Il n’a pas d’importance ce que votre nom est

Lane MacDermid – Mystery Novelist

Is there a more intriguing name in the NHL that you’re more likely to find on the shelves at Indigo? I doubt it. Think about this: The Mystery of the Badger’s Mask by Lane MacDermid. Not only would that make a killer paperback, it would make for a riveting campaign in public transit as well. I can see it now. A sepia poster with a red dripping blood font, filled with many author endorsements.

The Mystery of the Badger’s Mask is a non-stop thrill ride. MacDermid’s best work yet.” – Sue Grafton

Dana Tyrell – Comic Cook Villain

How much fun would it be seeing Dana Tyrell go head-to-head with Iron Man or Spiderman? I mean, his name is so epic. DANA. TYRELL. It practically sells itself. He could run an evil corporation that prints really devious microchips and eventually harvests all of our Facebook data into some sort of hovercraft which, in turn, makes him Gotham’s Reckoning.

I own the movie rights to this when you read it, Spielberg. Call me.

Jamie & Jordie Benn – Folk Duo

Sons of Benn. Their first album would be self titled, because they don’t want to come across as trying to hard with some sort of deep, cryptic name. The album will dive deep into explaining the inner workings of the human heart. They will win multiple Grammys for their vaguely religious folk jams and perform at halftime of the Super Bowl in three years.

Ray Whitney will make a guest spot on the Banjo. Vernon Fiddler will play… Well, the fiddle.

Conclusions

These are five examples of how names can be twisted into much more appropriate things than hockey players. Given that this lockout is literally on pace to never end, they may need to consider alternate careers as is.

Now you pick a player. What should they really be doing with their lives?

Comments (4)

  1. Jonathan Toews – Anti-gay Canadian politician

  2. I think Dana Tyrell was the name of the lead antagonist in the movie The Mask.

    Also, Shea Weber would be Spiderman’s sidekick.

  3. What about TJ Oshie from super mario
    Sidney and Bing Crosby or ladislav smid as the villan from the old cartoon the Racoons.

  4. Weird, I don’t see Logan Couture as a prissy name. I think of the rabid Wolverine and keep saying “snkt!” and “bub” whenever I hear it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *