It doesn’t take long for even the most well-groomed man to go completely feral. Without any outside motivation to wash, shave, and dress properly, most men will do the absolute minimum necessary to survive from day-to-day. Given the opportunity, a man will lounge around the house in his underwear, drinking milk straight from the carton, while growing a gross neckbeard and averaging half a shower per week.

Consider, then, that the NHL was locked out for months, leaving hundreds of men jobless. While some outsourced themselves to Europe and kept themselves clean-cut for their new employers, others took the opportunity to completely let themselves go.

Why does this matter? Because training camp is when the official team pictures are taken; it’s the NHL equivalent of picture day at school. And not everyone took the time to clean themselves up after 6-8 jobless months. Here are the 5 most egregious examples.

5 | Kris Versteeg

(Eliot J. Schechter, Getty Images)

On July 1, 2012, the Florida Panthers signed George Parros. Kris Versteeg looks like he has been growing his dirty, dirty moustache ever since. Coincidence? Yes. Versteeg is actually growing the moustache in support of a friend who is battling cancer, rather than trying to compete with Parros, which is really for the best.

 

4 | Greg Zanon

(Michael Martin, Getty Images)

I feel like Greg Zanon grew this beard as a protection against concussions. If anyone tries to check him in the chin from the blindside, the check will be cushioned by the three inches of bushiness, resulting in minimal to no damage.

My favourite part? He kept his head bic’ed completely clean. It’s like he forgot which part of his head the razor is for.

 

3 | Joe Corvo

(Gregg Forwerck, Getty Images)

What in the world happened to Joe Corvo? Why did he grow a wispy mohawk? Are those lines of hair on the side of his head? Is that a beard or a 2-year-old’s angry scribble with an indian red crayon?

Incidentally, I was super-confused by the indian red crayon when I was a kid. I could never figure out why it was brown with only the slightest hint of red in it. It was only much later that I figured out that it was just a super-racist crayon. I was less confused by the flesh-colour crayon, though it was equally racist.

 

2 | Brent Burns

(Don Smith, Getty Images)

This look is actually a pretty natural progression for Burns, as Greg Wyshynski illustrated over at Puck Daddy. The beard is impressively unkempt, but the hair is what sells it. It sticks out at all sorts of odd angles, with not even the semblance of a style. Did Burns spend the lockout on a desert island? Is that why he requested a ticket be set aside on opening night for someone named Wilson?

 

1 | Rick DiPietro

(Mike Stobe, Getty Images)

I’m not even sure where to start with this guy. Did he turn to some weird, hippy cult that promised to keep him safe from injury? Is he trying to fit in with Brooklyn hipsters by looking like white, homeless Jesus? Where is his tie-dye shirt? Why isn’t he wearing a paisley bandana? Is he wearing a turquoise bead necklace? OH MY GOODNESS, HE TOTALLY IS.

What is with this guy and how much do you want to bet he was wearing flip-flops when this picture was taken?

Comments (29)

  1. DiPietro looks like the professional gigolo from Deuce Bigelow.

  2. DiPi looks like the crazy guy who lives at my bus stop.

  3. The dream of the 1890′s is alive with Greg Zannon.

  4. Has DiPietro been studying with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi? He looks like the reincarnation of 1970 George Harrison

  5. Zanon has to be a Kimbo Slice fan. There’s no other rational explanation.

    • It takes effort to make a beard do that. You have to comb it up. I did it once, my wife wouldn’t get within 10 feet of me.

  6. Zanon freaking looks like Merlin from the movie Excalibur! He just needs a shiny silver helmet w/out a visor!!!

    • Burns has apparently been sleeping on the streets begging for money. It’s really sad how the lockout hurt the players so badly….*wipes tear from cheek*

  7. Put a little face paint on Corvo and he could pass as a reincarnation of the Legion of Doom.

  8. Dipi: “Drink the koolaid!”

  9. Burns: “Wilson! WILSON!….I’M SORRY!”

  10. In Rick DiPietro’s defense, the last time he stopped at the barber’s for a shave and a haircut, he blew out his knees getting into the chair.

  11. Got lots of lols from this. I’ve always loved Joe Corvo, and I think I love him a bit more. He looks like he’s auditioning to be a thug in a movie about the video game “Double Dragon”.

  12. Brent Burns looks like Brent Butt.
    But with hair.
    Homeless man hair.

  13. Versteeg = Musketeer
    Zanon = White supremist
    Corvo = Queen West West Hipster
    Burns = Encino Man
    DiPietro = Anton the Gigolo (colin nailed it)

  14. You gotta admire Versteeg for growing mustache fangs to match the ones on the Panther on his chest. Well done, sir.

  15. Somebody on the score mentioned that players could and should go play in Thailand. I think we now know which NHL players too that advice.

  16. With that mustache, Versteeg looks like a guy who might try to offer you candy in exchange for getting in his van.

  17. DiPietro has obviously turned to religion after his hockey career didnt work out, The 1st church of injured goalies is in Nassau County

  18. Donuts = MANDATORY. Razors? Not so much. Hilarious – one of your best yet. But you could have just kept going… Where’s the next installment?

  19. Change the name of this post… arent we supposed to be getting rid of head shots in hockey :P

  20. Di Pietro looks like Michael Jackson

    Doesn’t surprise me with Joe Corvo, the words ‘he’s a complete dick’ seem to follow him round

  21. In response to Mr. Burns a friend forwarded this: http://imgur.com/gallery/0LJQc LOVE!

  22. Awesome beard Greg zanon! Rick has really long hair wow!

  23. These guys really did Change thier look over the lockout months

  24. Wow dieps has got really long hair now! Zaners got the playoff beard rockin too!

  25. gary bettman is a shapeshifting jew

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