It doesn’t take long for even the most well-groomed man to go completely feral. Without any outside motivation to wash, shave, and dress properly, most men will do the absolute minimum necessary to survive from day-to-day. Given the opportunity, a man will lounge around the house in his underwear, drinking milk straight from the carton, while growing a gross neckbeard and averaging half a shower per week.
Consider, then, that the NHL was locked out for months, leaving hundreds of men jobless. While some outsourced themselves to Europe and kept themselves clean-cut for their new employers, others took the opportunity to completely let themselves go.
Why does this matter? Because training camp is when the official team pictures are taken; it’s the NHL equivalent of picture day at school. And not everyone took the time to clean themselves up after 6-8 jobless months. Here are the 5 most egregious examples.
5 | Kris Versteeg
On July 1, 2012, the Florida Panthers signed George Parros. Kris Versteeg looks like he has been growing his dirty, dirty moustache ever since. Coincidence? Yes. Versteeg is actually growing the moustache in support of a friend who is battling cancer, rather than trying to compete with Parros, which is really for the best.
4 | Greg Zanon
I feel like Greg Zanon grew this beard as a protection against concussions. If anyone tries to check him in the chin from the blindside, the check will be cushioned by the three inches of bushiness, resulting in minimal to no damage.
My favourite part? He kept his head bic’ed completely clean. It’s like he forgot which part of his head the razor is for.
3 | Joe Corvo
What in the world happened to Joe Corvo? Why did he grow a wispy mohawk? Are those lines of hair on the side of his head? Is that a beard or a 2-year-old’s angry scribble with an indian red crayon?
Incidentally, I was super-confused by the indian red crayon when I was a kid. I could never figure out why it was brown with only the slightest hint of red in it. It was only much later that I figured out that it was just a super-racist crayon. I was less confused by the flesh-colour crayon, though it was equally racist.
2 | Brent Burns
This look is actually a pretty natural progression for Burns, as Greg Wyshynski illustrated over at Puck Daddy. The beard is impressively unkempt, but the hair is what sells it. It sticks out at all sorts of odd angles, with not even the semblance of a style. Did Burns spend the lockout on a desert island? Is that why he requested a ticket be set aside on opening night for someone named Wilson?
1 | Rick DiPietro
I’m not even sure where to start with this guy. Did he turn to some weird, hippy cult that promised to keep him safe from injury? Is he trying to fit in with Brooklyn hipsters by looking like white, homeless Jesus? Where is his tie-dye shirt? Why isn’t he wearing a paisley bandana? Is he wearing a turquoise bead necklace? OH MY GOODNESS, HE TOTALLY IS.
What is with this guy and how much do you want to bet he was wearing flip-flops when this picture was taken?