Dallas Stars v Columbus Blue Jackets

“Forced Watching” is a weekly feature where the loser of the wagering game on the podcast is forced to watch the least interesting game on the schedule (in the opinion of the winner), and write about it. No offense if your favourite team is involved. Well, some offense.


Dubinskiy! Daley! It’s Stars vs. Blue Jackets I: Let’s See How Little Jake Can Care About A Hockey Game.

Oy, I really need to stop being terrible at picking hockey games. Doing this two weeks in a row is rough (I know, I know, poor me). I hope I win this week because I’m going to make Bourne watch just the worst game. I don’t know what yet, I haven’t looked at the schedule. I’m going to plan ahead though. Anyway, let’s hope my Gamecenter doesn’t crap out on me today. I hear that, Renegade. Let’s do this thing.

1st Period

20:00 - I know literally nothing about either team’s broadcasters so…let’s go with the Blue Jackets for the first, the Stars for the second and whichever I liked better for the third. Research is for suckers.

20:00 - I have watched zero live minutes of either team so far this year. I do not feel bad about that in the least.

While we’re here I might as well bring up the Stars/Habs trade – Ryder for Cole and a third. I don’t know what Joe Nieuendyk is thinking. At all. That’s just…that’s just amazingly dumb. Good for the Habs, sad for me.

20:00 - Jesus, can this game just start already? George Matthews is currently being honored for his 1,000th game called so…I guess he’s who I’m listening to for this period? Sure, good for him, sounds like a decent announcer and he’s short, so he’s already good in my book. Man, this montage of Blue Jackets highlights is depressing – “Zherdev scores!” “Vinnie Prospal steals the puck!”

20:00 - Hey, Richard Bachman is playing. Okay.

19:43 - Stephane Robidas just got drilled and dropped to the ice. He’s fine but damn. That was an inch away from breaking his neck.

19:17 - Ryder was the Stars leading scorer!? What the hell was this trade?

18:50 - The Jackets are wearing those weird, navy jerseys with the logo I don’t understand. I kind of like them, though. They look like they’re from 1941. They also clash hilariously with Bobrovsky’s mask which I approve of.

17:51 - I don’t know like half the names being called in this game. I wish I was drunk. Or gambling. Or both.

17:00 - “Approaching the three minute mark.” That’s it?!

16:27 - I know a lot is made about the Blue Jackets attendance problems but, man, there is nobody there. It looks like the first five minutes of a Leafs game. Heyo! Ugh, that’s just sad.

15:00 - I want to stress that I don’t care but watching Benn and Jagr together is actually kind of fun. Benn just sent a great touch pass Jagr’s way. Also, let’s talk about the fact that Jagr is still playing and is still relevant. Seriously, I mean, what?

13:21 - Bobrovsky’s made a couple of nice saves so far. I dunno, that’s all I got.

13:21 - Oooh, fun. Gamecenter is giving me local Ohio commercials rather than just a screen saying that they’ll be right back. Awesome. I hope I see something stupid.

13:19 - Jagr apparently owns a bunch of hotels in the Czech Republic? I want to go to there.

12:40 - No, please, have more stoppages of play. I don’t want this game to have any flow or momentum. Please continue. It’s really great.

10:52 - I put too many chipotles in my pasta sauce again. There will be no relief in food tonight. Dammit, Goldsbie, you do this every time. I can’t even feed myself. It’s really amazing I’m still alive. This is why I don’t have a pet. I am my own cat.

8:19 - Do you think George Matthews actually loves the Blue Jackets this much or is he just doing his job? Does anyone love the Blue Jackets this much? Being a broadcaster for a team like Columbus must be hard.

6:20 - I just cut my finger using it to lick sauce off the blade of my blender. I’m not even kidding. I’m amazing. Yes, the sauce I just complained about.

5:00 - Hey, look at that, a goal. Cody Eakin streakin’ in (see what I did there?) and it went off Brendan Morrow (I wish it was Brandon Morrow…go Jays) and past Bobrovsky. Oh, they’re reviewing it for a kick. Of course they are. Columbus’ PA plays “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus & Chakha Kahn during goal reviews. That is outstanding. Top marks, Columbus. Good goal, 17 people boo, 1-0 Dallas, moving on.

4:23 - Now they’re showing an interview with…Jay Bruce. Of the Cincinnati Reds. Yay, baseball?

3:19 - R.J. Umberger! One of the least interesting players in the league but, man, that’s one of my all-time favorite hockey names. I just like saying it. If Nationwide Arena doesn’t have an “RJ Umburger” on their menu, they’ve failed themselves, their city, and their team and should just shut down the whole operation. It’d be a burger with, like, ketchup and mayonaise and maybe some lettuce and every time someone asked how it is every single person’s response would be, “eh, it’s okay.” Just doing your job for you, Nationwide Arena. Thank me later.

0:53 - Hey, NHL, I know you’re talking about realignment (a topic on which I have literally nothing to say) but I have a modest request – put the Blue Jackets in the Leafs’ division, please. Ohio’s kind of close to Ontario, right? Geography is not my strong suit. But yeah, do that thing.

0:00 - Hey, we’re 1/3 of the way there. See you later, Bruce Matthews. Maybe. Oh, but first, Navy propaganda! Quick, someone call Don.

0:00 - GUYS, CEE LO GREEN IS GOING TO BE ON CHARLIE SHEEN’S SITCOM THIS WEEK. I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT WATCH. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch…well, this hockey game instead of watching that show. That should be the new punishment. Just live blog that crappy show every week.

0:00 - Yes, more commercials for Justified, less everything else. That show is awesome.

0:00 - I just read a “top 50 funniest TV shows” of all-time list on some website I’ve never heard of and it ranked Big Bang Theory and Modern Family ahead of Community and Freaks & Geeks which I’m pretty sure is blood libel somehow.

2nd Period

‘Sup, Dallas feed. Which is also Fox Sports. I hope that means more Justified commercials.

20:00 - Hey, whatever happened to Ma$e?

20:00 - Chase Financial has a thing where you can take a picture of a cheque and it gets deposited in the bank? That seems like a horrible idea that could backfire really, really easily. Like, the first scene of The Dark Knight would have been a lot more boring with this system.

19:32 - Dallas play-by-play guys complimenting Umberger. Earning points early, guys.

19:00 - We talk about this a lot on the podcast but Jamie Benn’s shot is awesome.

18:44 - Scoring chances are 8-1 in favor of the Stars. Nobody is shocked.

18:32 - “Succulent saucer pass” – the Dallas play-by-play guys are awesome. Oh, and a goal, Nikita Nikitin scores from the point as one of the Dallas guys talks about his “bugaboo with the Stars’ defence.” Yup, definitely sticking with Dallas.

16:19 - Know what this game could use? Pierre McGui…ahahah, sorry, I can’t even get through that.

15:18 - Radek Dvorak reference! Awesome.

14:40 - Tim Erixon just checked Loui Eriksson and Jake is confused.

14:31 - Derek Roy makes it 2-1 Stars and Erixon smacks his head on the crossbar like a stupid idiot.

13:41 - Derek Dorsett (who is a player on the Blue Jackets, apparently) picks up his own rebound and scores to make it 2-2. This is a horrendously played hockey game but at least it’s kind of exciting.

12:05 - Damnit, Carolina is losing. I don’t want to do this again next week. Come on!

11:42 - Haha, Jesus. Antoine Roussel makes it 3-2 Stars because this game is the worst. Also definitely calling him Antoine “Roussel Roussel, a young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.” Granted, it’s not a perfect nickname.

8:24 - Someone on the Jackets (I don’t know who) just tried to clear the zone and missed the puck entirely. Nothing happened, it was just a funny visual and a perfect representation of the Blue Jackets.

7:39 - Scoring chances update: 14-3 for Dallas. Yeah, Columbus is bad.

5:22 - American Burger King commercials are trippy as all hell. A dancing muppet just told me to “celebrate the Whopper being $1.29.” Whatever you say, dancing muppet.

3:29 - I have so little to say about this game right now. I’d like to tell you something but…I just don’t have anything. Hockey is currently being played.

0:00 - Now we’re 2/3 of the way through. Honestly the last 10 minutes of that period were amazingly boring. I hope that changes cause…jeez.

0:00 - A commercial for something called AutoNation has a jingle that’s exactly the same as the Ghostbusters theme with the music slightly changed (I’m guessing for copyright reasons). I can’t tell if I love or hate it.

0:00 - Did we really need a gritty reboot of Jack and the Beanstalk? Didn’t we say all we needed to say about that story with the fairytale?


3rd Period

20:00 - And we’re back. Dallas feed wins!

19:01 - This is the first game Jamie Benn has been held pointless in his last 10. I wish this wasn’t the case. I want an awesome Jamie Benn goal.

17:43 - Ryan Johanssen streaks in on the breakaway and gets stopped by Bachman’s shoulder. That was almost fun.

15:57 - Jackets to go the power play to try and tie this bad boy up. The Jackets power play is not good. Like, at all. Johanssen is pretty fast though, I’ll give them that. The rest of this is just gross.

13:44 - A weird-ass bounce goes right to Cam Atkinson who buries in (though not for lack of trying to miss, apparently) to tie this game at 3. This game is totally going to go to overtime, isn’t it? I don’t want this to be longer. Just end. I’m bored.

13:44 - Erik Cole is apparently really excited about going to Dallas because of Ray Whitney. That’s kind of nice, I guess. Glad he’ll have a friend.

12:40 - The Columbus PA is playing Dragula by Rob Zombie. Big Shiny Tunes, represent!

11:49 - The play-by-play fellas (correctly) point out how few penalties are being called tonight. That is true. What’s weird is that this game has been so boring save for a four minute span in the second that the lack of penalties isn’t really helping the flow of the game. It’s just…being played.

8:00 - I will give this game this: While it’s super boring, it’s at least close and semi-exciting. I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction but it’s true. By the way, there is no way Columbus should be in this game but here we are. Dallas is out shooting them 33-18 right now. Also, kudos to Fox Sports for keeping track of scoring chances. They haven’t told us what the count is at for a while but good for them for trying.

6:24 - A goal! Yes! Cody Eakin’s shot just squeezes through Bobrovsky (who has been pretty decent this game, actually) and juuuuuuust trickles into the net. Oh man, this might not go to OT. Wow, Bobrovsky absolutely should have had that.

5:41 – “Bobrovsky’s a mess!” – one of the Dallas play-by-play guys. That had just so much disdain in it. I loved it.

4:00 - Columbus keeps trying to push the zone to try and get something but just can’t connect on enough passes in a row to make it happen. It’s like they have a pass quota to fill and once they hit it, the possession has to die.

1:34 - Urrrrgh. Columbus ties it up with 94 seconds left. And, of course, it’s R.J. Umberger. Can’t script this stuff.

0:45  - Heh, the Dallas guys say that it’s always an adventure when there’s a long shot against Bobrovsky. The constant mockery of Bobrovsky is amazing and I encourage more.

0:00 - Overtime. Hate.



5:00 - I enjoy that Fox Sports needs to explain how overtime works. They’ve got a graphic and everything. Is that really a thing that people don’t know?

4:09 - Dallas play-by-play talking about how frustrating it is when players shoot wide and now I’m imagining them having to deal with Dion Phaneuf.

3:17 - I AM BORED.

2:43 - It’s four-on-four, Columbus. Complete a damn pass.

2:17 - Hahahah, Dallas cycles the puck back in their own end and the DPBP (Dallas play-by-play) says “hey, they’re going the wrong way!” These guys are the best.

1:57 - Hoo, great play by Loui Eriksson to end this thing. Derek Roy had a nifty play where he played a pass off the boards and one-timed it that Bobrovsky saved, Eriksson grabbed the rebound and, while falling, swept the puck around Bobrovsky’s pad and into the net. Columbus’ defence was not what one would call “good” on that play. Whatever, it’s over. A game was played.