"Hello, Floreda"

“Hello, Floreda”

“Forced Watching” is a weekly feature where the loser of the wagering game on the podcast is forced to watch the least interesting game on the schedule (in the opinion of the winner), and write about it. No offense if your favourite team is involved. Well, some offense.


Here we are again.

I watched last week’s episode of Justified before this game because I wanted to do something entertaining before I watched this hockey game. I’m pretty sure that R.J. Umberger is Drew Thompson.

Also, I hate everything.

1st Period

20:00 - I don’t remember Winnipeg’s play by play guys from a couple weeks ago so I’m going to do the same thing that I did last week – switch it up for 1st and 2nd and then go with the one I like more for the 3rd. For some reason, I feel like Winnipeg’s will be a little more knowledgable about hockey than Florida’s but I’m also super into baseless assumptions because I’m a jackass so we’ll see.

20:00 - Twitter backs my Umberger/Thompson theory. I love this tweet so much. It references two things I love and has nothing to do with this hockey game I’m about to watch.


20:00 - Gamecenter is taking an awful long time to start this game. Even technology doesn’t want me to watch this thing. Oh…there it goes. Dang.

20:00 - Holy crap is there nobody there. I mean, wow. I hope this is just a start of the game thing. I’m not even saying this to make fun, I’m just impressed.

19:46 - Oh yeah, Huberdeau is on this team. Totally forgot about him on the podcast today when I was trying to think of forwards. Cool, I’m excited to watch him. And Evander Kane. I hope they do awesome things and make this fun.

17:22 - Gamecenter is being very laggy. I don’t care for this at all. If I’m going to watch, I’d like to just watch the game and not a YouTube replay of a Starcraft match or something.

16:44 - I don’t mean this to be insulting but we get a lot of e-mails for slagging on the Jets. This is the second (of three) Forced Watchings that involve the Jets. There is a reason for this. Sorry.

16:16 - Pavelec vs. Markstrom. Good God. Why didn’t I go to business school?

15:26 - Seems like it wasn’t a beginning of the game thing. This game is unattended even by Islanders status.

14:53 - Tomas Kopecky rips a shot past Pavelec that finds the back of the net even though Pavelec absolutely should have had it. Perfect positioning by Pavelec but it went through him. Nice shot, though. I think I’m going to enjoy the Winnipeg TSN guys defending Pavelec all night.

14:34 - Wait, is this Denis Potvin? Do I have to deal with this tonight? Oh, no, he’s Ottawa. Okay, thank God.

13:37 - Ugh, Florida’s PA guy is playing that damn Fun Dot song. That’s going to be in my head for the rest of the night. Boo, Florida PA Guy, Columbus’ PA guy is way better than you.

13:23 - Aww, Winnipegs’ feed doesn’t have commercials. One strike against you.

11:27 - You get a neutral zone turnover! You get a neutral zone turnover!

10:57 - Weee arrre youuuung. There, now it’s in your head too.

10:32 - Signs you’re not doing very well this year: Brian Campbell is on your team. See: Panthers, Florida & my fantasy team. (Campbell’s actually pretty good, I just need something to blame for being in 3rd last).

9:44 - Hahah, George Parros. I am so done defending you as a hockey player.

9:25 - The Panthers are the Toronto Raptors of hockey teams so far. Let’s just take really long shots without setting up, eventually one of them has to go in, right? Everyone on the Panthers is Alan Anderson.

9:13 - These lack of commercial breaks are dulllll. I’m just about done with you, Winnipeg feed.

9:10 - “This team is not built to play from behind at all.” – very true, TSN guy. Winnipeg’s feed gets a point for being correct. Good job, good effort.

8:26 - Know what this game could use? Patrick Kaleta.

8:13 - Just kidding, no hockey game could use Patrick Kaleta because he’s the worst and shouldn’t be allowed to play hockey.

7:48 - I like to imagine that some guy in the Minnesota Wild organization was like “hey, you know those red Panthers jerseys? Everyone likes those, right? We should do something with that,” and then another guy listened to him and then both those people were fired.

6:44 – “Langour rises reaching/To turn off the alarm/And there’s never so much seething/That it can’t be disarmed/You just stop it up/Pass it on shove it to shelf it/To leave it off and turnover” – This should be this game’s theme song. There are a lot of turnovers, is what I’m saying.

5:12 - I wish Evander Kane and Jonathan Huberdeau could play 60 minutes a game. Let’s just make this a 1-on-1 game with no goalies. Considering Kane just almost killed Markstrom with a wrist shot (he missed), I think this would be really fun. Or more fun than this game.

4:01 - This is the second Jets Forced Watching and both games I’ve actually quite enjoyed Blake Wheeler. So…good for him, I guess? I don’t know where I was going with that. I just wanted to say something positive.

4:01 - Random observation – my phone’s autocorrect turns “sahweet” (I can’t type) to “Shaq week.” Discovery Channel needs a Shaq Week. Once again, doing all your jobs for you, entertainment industry. Thank me later.

3:18 - Hey, a penalty. Andrew Ladd’s going off for hooking and the Panthers will go to the PP. This should be good.

2:49 - The 20th ranked power play vs. the 30th ranked penalty kill. Oh yeah, this is a Forced Watching.

2:25 - Man, Evander Kane is really good. Playing the PK and doing it damn well. #FreeEvanderKane

1:28 - Know what this game could actually use? Bane.

1:13 - 0 shots on the power play. Yeehaw.

0:00 - What a stunningly dull period. See y’all in 15.

0:00 - Also, this.

Welp, I know what I’m trying to figure out during the intermission.

0:00 - This woman who hosts the Panthers intermission show looks bored. Oh good, now she’s getting an interview feature. This is the worst. Please start, game. Oh, wait, no, don’t. Wait. No. I don’t know. Ugh. WAIT. SHE JUST GOT GEORGE PARROS TO SPEAK SPANISH. OH MY GOD. THIS IS THE BEST WORST THING. Also, intermission Parros and Honus Honus from Man Man look and sound exactly the same. Is that why it’s taken almost two years for a new Man Man record? Has anyone seen them in the same place at the same time? …well, I’ve gone insane.

0:00 - Bill Lindsay is the Panthers’ color guy? Okay.

2nd Period

20:00 - Yeah, show a close up of three rows that have people in them. Totally selling the attendance, FOX Sports Panthers. Couldn’t tell. Oh, you just did a wide shot. That’s a shame.

20:00 - Pavelec has played every minute for the Jets since February 12th. Get better, Al Montoya.

19:15 - Bill Lindsay just called Byfuglien fat without calling him fat about four times in two sentences. “He’s a big piece for the Jets, he’s a large presence. He’s large and in charge.” I see your tricks, Lindsay.

19:11 - A fan just got hit in the face with the puck. Haven’t these fans suffered enough?

18:32 - Sadly, I could not figure out how to turn on the closed captioning. I was really hoping for some funny typos.

18:18 - KyLOL Wellwood ties the game up for the Jets and the Florida PA guy plays…Shania Twain? “That Don’t Impress Me Much.” Ooooh, I get it. That’s…kinda clever, I guess.

17:51 - Hey, that was Wellwood’s first goal of the season. So glad I could be here to witness it. Just kidding, I care so little I think my brain atrophied a little bit.

17:09 - Man, I am excited for my soup at lunch tomorrow.

16:57 - Annnnd, Kopecky fans on a one-timer infront of a wide open net. Lindsay tells us that he’d like to have that one back. Truer words, Bill. Truer words.

16:09 - Who in pluperfect hell is Mike Santorelli?

15:24 - Oh no, I’m missing TSN’s Trade Deadline preview. How will I ever go on with out the deep seeded need to kill myself that only those shows can deliver?

14:42 - Oh my God, guys. You’re professional hockey players. Corral a bouncing puck already. That thing just hopped around in front of Markstrom for 7 or so seconds.

14:29 - Man, this is a lackluster “let’s go…” actually, I don’t even know what they’re saying. “Let’s go Pans?” “Let’s go Cats?” Panthers fans, what is your chant?

13:09 - “My saddle’s/waitin’/come on/jump on it.” Oh, sorry, I was distracted by AWESOMENESS. Man, that song is a lot dirtier than I thought it was. Reading ’90s R&B lyrics is eyeopening.

13:09 - Oh my God I hate these stupid talking baby ETrade commercials so much. Babies can’t normally talk, I GET IT. You’re not funny.

13:09 - I’d like to think that I’ll never be in a situation that requires me to call a law firm that needs a commercial.

12:33 - Shots are 11-9 for the Jets, by the way. This is super great.

11:53 - Peter Mueller just fell down trying to stay onside and receive a long lead pass. Yeah, seems about right.

11:09 - BB&T is the official bank of the Florida Panthers. Yeah, there’s an official bank of the Florida Panthers. Um, I’ll take “two things that won’t exist in 5 years for 1200, Alex.”

10:23 - Shawn Matthias makes Stuart look absolutely silly and wrists it past Pavelec. 2-1. Bill Lindsay is doing his best Pierre-like attempt to ruin a great goal. “Stuart’s got a taste of dangle-itis there, I think he’s been left feeling a little sick.” Yeah, that’s exactly what happened, Bill. Go in the corner and play with your sandwich.

8:33 - Huberdeau is awesome. Settles a bouncing puck down in front of the net but can’t beat Pavelec because he was moving to quickly and almost ran him. Nice play, though.

6:47 - Hey, know who I don’t miss? Mark Scheifele.

6:47 - It’s that horrible/amazing AutoNation “Ghostbusters” commercial. I haven’t seen you since last week. It’s been not nearly long enough.

6:22 - I enjoy when play-by-play guys completely ignore whatever inane thing a sideline reporter says. It just happened with…whoever that guy was talking about how Drew Shore belongs to “the first hockey family of Denver” because his brothers also play hockey or something (I don’t know, it was stupid) and the play-by-play guys just totally ignored everything to do with it and went back to the game. That was awesome.

5:21 - Holy God, Huberdeau. He steals the puck, hits the post, steals it again and breaks in on his own and gets hauled down. Oh yeah, it’s a Huberdeau penalty shot. Huberdeau vs. Pavelec. Hahah, this’ll go well for Winnipeg.

5:10 - Yup. Huberdeau fronthand shelfs it with a rocket in the corner. And then the play-by-play guy sang “hu-bee-doo-bee-doo.” That was a really nice shot but, man, can these play-by-play guys just let a goal be without being idiots?

4:26 - Oh wow, there’s an HH Gregg (what? What is this store?) commercial that has an awful cover of “Help” underneath it. That was gross.

3:58 - Seven Nation Army, sweet. That’s not a song that should be banned from all sporting arenas at all.

3:52 - Can someone please check on Bill Linsday? I’m not sure he knows where he is. I just want to make sure he’s okay. Oh, and Kane went to the box for slashing so let’s see this great PP again. Maybe a shot this time?

3:10 - Legitimate question: when a player breaks his stick, does he get upset? I feel like I’d get really attached to my stick like Robert Redford did with his bat in The Natural.

1:38 - PowLOL play. Does that work? No, that’s terrible. I hate myself.

1:14 - I have a friend from Winnipeg, who is a Jets fan, who absolutely hates Ron Hainsey. Is this common amongst Jets fans or is it just my friend?

0:00 - I’m going to watch the Blackhawks game.

0:00 - Andre Rieu, Disney On Ice, Maroon 5, and Larry The Cable Guy. That’s quite a lineup you’ve got there, BB&T Center. Remind me to never visit you ever.

3rd Period

19:13 - I just want to see Pavelec cover up one rebound tonight. Just one. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

17:44 - Markstrom shows Pavelec how it’s done and covers the puck. I don’t feel like I’m able to give a good summation of Markstrom tonight because he really hasn’t had to do anything. I’m actually kind of disappointed about this, honestly. I wanted to see what he could do.

17:32 - By the way, Blackhawks. That is all.

17:19 - Jets had 13 shots through 2 but have 4 in 3 minutes to start this period. None of them were particularly good shots but, hey, at this point I think they’ll take what they can get.

16:59 - And now we’re talking about Kevin Dineen’s facial hair. Good God, even the announcers don’t want to talk about this game.

16:17 - Well, that’s who Mark Santorelli is. A guy who makes a nice move to get around a sprawling Pavelec to make it 4-1 and get his first goal of the year. Really nice pass from Campbell there. These Panthers sure looked excited to be beating the Jets. That ain’t good.

15:40 - Every line has a goal for the Panthers, apparently. So that’s a thing that happened.

15:27 - Seriously, Panthers fans. What is your chant!? Be more clear. I can’t make out what you’re saying after “let’s go.” Why didn’t you just go with a “Go Panthers Go?” That makes so much more sense.

15:12 - Santorelli’s last goal came against Toronto. Back in a sec, going to go drown myself.

15:05 - I have to say, Gamecenter has just been a big ol’ bucket of poo today. It’s been lagging and freezing and dropping out all night and, sin of sins, has forced me back onto the Winnipeg feed. For shame, Gamecenter. For shame. Which is now not working. Back to Florida’s.

11:56 - Huh. Well, it’s 4-1. Leads really drain anything I have to say about what’s going on in these games, I’ve noticed. A close game works much better for this. Nice save by Markstrom there on Wellwood. So. Yeah. Yay?

10:59 - I just flipped over to see the Marc Staal injury, which looked awful and I hope he’s okay, but I just have one thing to say on it: VISORS!

10:12 - Aw man, Huberdeau was so close to getting another one but Pavelec made a nice save (couldn’t cover the rebound though). If this game is just going to be…this, I want Huberdeau to score like 4 more times.

7:11 - Man, Shawn Mathias has been awesome tonight. I’ve honestly never watched him before tonight but I think I might want to start.

6:38 - I don’t know what Techzilla is (I’m assuming it’s like Teksavvy?) but I really like the name. Good for you, Techzilla.

5:54 - I AM BORED.

5:50 - I wish I had some Jacks or something…

5:42 - Oh man, now I wish I had some Apple Jacks.

5:10 - I miss Jack Bauer. Season 5 of 24 is awesome.

4:57 - Seasons 1-3 are pretty good too, I guess. Wonder if they’ll ever make that movie?

4:11 - If they do they should raise Nina Meyers from the dead. She was awesome. Oh, spoiler alert on a 10-year-old plot point.

3:49 - Whoa, Markstrom with a crazy glove save in close. Thanks for getting me out of that hole I dug myself into, buddy.

3:07 - I’ll raise you 0.25 points on the Montoya line if you can cover up a rebound in the next 3 minutes, Pavelec. That’s a fair deal.

2:18 - Guess the Panthers aren’t really trying to throw a lot of shots at you now. Fair enough. You still suck, though.

1:04 - Huberdeau has over 5 shots in 4 of his last 5 games. Yeah, he’s good.

0:09 - Hahaha, “Panthers fanbase.” Good one, play-by-play guy.

0:00 - Alright, that’ll do. Hey, the Panthers are still doing the plastic rat thing. That’s dumb. But good for them for playing a semi-decent game tonight. The game itself wasn’t semi-decent but the Panthers themselves were.

Beer, beer, beer. Bed, bed, bed.