Today at 11 am, Daniel Alfredsson will finally hold a press conference in Ottawa after shocking Senators fans by signing with the Detroit Red Wings a little over a month ago. It’s likely that it will be a fairly unsurprising affair: Alfredsson will thank Senators fans for all their support over the years, express how much he loves the city of Ottawa, and explain that it was a tough decision but he felt he had to do what was best for his career.
Except for Senators fans seeking closure, it will likely be bland and boring. In other words, it will be a press conference with a hockey player.
But what if it wasn’t bland and boring? What if it was a surprising and unexpected, full of flights of fancy and bizarre occurrences? What if Alfredsson’s press conference was actually entertaining? I imagined such a press conference in my head and here are the 20 things I want to see:
1. Alfredsson kicks off the press conference by announcing his candidacy for mayor of Ottawa and refuses to answer any questions unrelated to politics.
2. Everyone is distracted by Alfredsson’s incessant pen-tapping throughout the press conference. It is only after the fact that an enterprising Senators blogger realizes it’s morse code and translates the message: “Help me! They’ve kidnapped my family and are holding them in an abandoned car factory!”
3. As Alfredsson is in the middle of answering a tough question, a drunk British man pops up in front of the table and does a series of surprisingly good bird calls.
4. Halfway through, Alfredsson stops the press conference for an impromptu magic act. “Hey look! I’m Eugene Melnyk!” he says as he makes a coin disappear.
5. When asked why he left Ottawa, Alfredsson reveals that he’s secretly hated Bobby Ryan for years and as soon as Bryan Murray said they were trying to acquire Ryan, he was out of there.
6. Alfredsson unexpectedly announces that Erik Karlsson severed his own achilles tendon in an attempt to bond the team together.
7. “I can’t wait to finally play in the NHL with Nicklas Lidstrom.”
8. A media member asks Alfredsson how many years he thinks he has left, to which Alfredsson responds, “As many as I want,” before revealing fangs, leaping on the media member, and sucking out all his blood.
9. When asked why he chose Detroit, Alfredsson responds, “Ken Holland keeps Werther’s Originals in his pockets at all times. You can just ask for one whenever you want. It’s really great.”
10. Alfredsson reveals that he heard the shirtless ping pong scene is way bigger in Detroit.
11. Breaking down in tears, Alfredsson confesses that he has lived in terror for the past two years as he has a deep-seated fear of walruses.
12. Main reason for leaving: he tried to get the Senators to use 30 Rock’s Scotiabank Place psych-up song in the arena and was turned down.
13. Alfredsson answers every question at the press conference with “Probably not.”
14. The Red Wings take the opportunity to announce that Alfredsson will be wearing number 99 in Detroit.
15. “Wait, the Red Wings don’t play in Ottawa? Holland, you tricked me!”
16. Alfredsson produces a glowing puck from his pocket and explains that when he joined the Senators as a rookie, he used it to steal the hockey skills of Alexandre Daigle and it’s finally time to give them back so he can play one last season using his own skills.
17. Producing a banjo, Alfredsson announces that the real reason he’s going to Detroit is to join his bandmates, all Michigan natives, in his new indie-folk group, Alfred and Ssons.
18. “The Ottawa REDBLACKS? I mean, really. Do you even have to ask why I’m leaving?”
19. Alfredsson spends the entire press conference singing the score to the H.M.S. Pinafore.
20. “We just have to play a full 60 minutes, get into the dirty areas, and let the puck do the work. We have to take it one game at a time, but we’re happy to get the two points. Obviously, going forward at the end of the day, it is what it is.”