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Colton Orr is a professional hockey player. In his fifth season with the Toronto Maple Leafs and 10th in the NHL, Orr’s best season was in 2009-10 when he registered a career-high 4 goals and 6 points in 82 games. While he is best-known for the damage he does with his fists, Orr was kind enough to use his hands to type his diary for Backhand Shelf. These are Orr’s entries for the first week of the NHL season.

Monday, September 30

Rents do. I hate payig rent. dave Nonis gave me a two-year contract for $1.8 million in the summer but you’d be surprised how quikly you can blow it all on fruity pebbles and ultimate fighting lessons. I also give money to the homeless in exchange for letting me fight them. You’d be surprised how tough homeless people can be but I never lose a fight to the homeless lol

The season starts tomorrow and I am EXCITANT!!!!!1 We play the Canadians and they are all really small and I can’t wait to hit them. It’s as close as I wil ever come to hitting children. Randi Carlily says they have George Parros now. He’s a good friend. I like him a lot. I really hope I get to punch him in the face.

To get prepared for the season I will watch my favorite movie tonight. It’s called Titanic. It’s a nice story about an old man with a gun who gets to beat up a teenage Leonoardo Decapio before he drowns. It is so wonderful.

Tuesday, October 1

I hope I didn’t kill my friend. I am so sorry George. I am not the best skater and I feel down and pulled George down with me and he hit his face on the ice. He fell so hard and I was so scared :( He beat me up earlier so I wanted to beat him up this time but not like this. It would have been OK if I broke his jaw with a punch but not this. I am so sad. :((((((((

It is just part of the game though and my pulling my friend on the ice helped us win. Everyone on the Canadians bench was really sad and emotions are so impotant in hockey. We were up 3-2 already and most teams who are WINNING in the third win anyway but my fight won the game.

I sure hope George is OK. I am going to eat so many fruity pebbles on the plane to cheer me up. I will pour some out on the floor to for George. Maybe this will open my eyes about how I play the game.

Wednesday, October 2

DUDE! It was so so so so so cool in Philly tonight because I cross cheked a guy in the teeth with my stick and he went down HARD!!!!! lol That dude was my buddy too but he hit my teammate and you ALWAYS STICK FOR YOU TEAMMATES!!!!! The best part was I only got 2 minutes lol I love hockey.

We won this game because of me to. We were winning 2-1 in the hird again but we held on because of my tough heart and emotion.

On the flight home I wwas eating my pebbles and smelling my own farts (lol Kessel was so mad at me but what can he do about it right lol) and I saw I have 24 penalty minutes this year but I only have 9 minutes in ice time. Im having my best season in the NLH ever and we are 2-0!!!!! I am every proud of my play this year.

It will be nice to get a day off tomorrow because I have homeless boxing at 2 and then I will eat 11 pounds of raw meat and bash m head into a wall for hockey practice at 4. Train hard and be good at hockey is what I always say!!!!!

Thursday, October 3

On the ride home from the airport last night, I found myself in deep thought. After some serious introspection, I began to wonder, “Who am I? Do I enjoy what I do? Am I really a hockey player? Do I make the world a better place? Is it wrong to think that by inflicting pain on others I am not only making a financial profit, but, worst of all, enjoying it?”

I stayed up all night reading self-help books on my Kindle. I began to realize that it may be true what people have said about me, that I am nothing more than a mouth-breathing Neanderthal, devoid of true emotions, and compartmentalizing my obvious aggression issues isn’t healthy for me in the long run. I also did some research on brain injuries and learned that while my 10 years of fighting might not have an effect on me now, but it could cause harm later to not just myself, but to the people in my life that I love.

Our next game is Saturday, the home opener against the Ottawa Senators. I am seriously considering going into Coach Carlyle’s office tomorrow and telling him that I don’t want to fight anymore, that I want to be a real hockey player who contributes on the stat sheet in other areas besides fighting.

Sure, I have earned about $8 million in my career and have lived a lavish lifestyle based on my pugilistic abilities, but life is a rich tapestry, and I have not enjoyed all of its bountiful flavors.

Also, Joffrey Lupul is good at hockey and handsome and really good at sex with the ladies.

Thursday, October 3

lol Lupes hacked my diary!!!!! I am not a pugilist because I own two pit bulls you idiot lol

I ate so much raw meat today.

Friday, October 4

I haven’t physically assaulted anyone since wensday. My homeless boxing class was canceled when the police broak it up before we started. It turns out underground fight clubs with the homeless are illegal in Toronto. I try to help and I get punished. Oh well. :(

Looking over the Sensator roster and I see a lot of guys I want to hit. Corey Conaker, John-Gabrlie Paguea (lol what a weird name) and Stepahanie Decosta (lol they have a girl????) and I will probably have to get beat up by Chris Neil but who cares that’s why we win.

I am at 52 fights with the Leafs. I’m hoping to get to 100 by the end of the year, but I don’t know if I can fight 38 more times this year. Fingers crossed!!!!!!! lol

Four Questions: Caps, goalie pads, Roy and Wings 

Hi Dave,

What am I to make of the Washington Capitals this season? They’ve played two games and I go back and forth from thinking they are terrible and they are a playoff team. Also, I think you’re really great.

Dave
New Jersey

Thanks, Dave.

I am of the belief they are a playoff team and easily the third-best team in the Metro. They get killed by the stateratti for being so reliant on the power play and the numbers say last season was a fluke year in the worst division since 4/2 = 5. It reminds me of people who say a baseball player isn’t good because he’s a designated hitter. Well, designated hitter is a baseball position, that guy plays it, and he is good at hitting. Therefore he is good at baseball.

The Caps are a specialty team in that they live and die by the power play, but they are very good at the power play, and that helps make them good at the overall thing we call hockey. Yes, they no longer play in the Southeast, but they still play in the East and the Metro doesn’t look all that great, so I think they’ll be fine. They’ve played two games; one against the best team in the NHL and one against the worst and earned two points out of four.

It’s early. No reason to get all worked up just yet.

Hey,

It’s been four days, but there seems to be a lot of goals being scored in the early going. How much of that do you think is related to smaller goalie equipment?

David L.
Hoboken, NJ

It’s tough to say. Are we simply seeing an early-season issue with goalies adjusting to the speed of the game or are they taking up less space and allowing more goals? I haven’t noticed too many five-hole goals in these three days.

Marc-Andre Fleury, perhaps the worst goaltender in the history of the NHL if you read the Internet, perhaps the worst thing on the planet, had to shorten his leg pads by two inches, and he posted a shutout against the Devils.

Devan Dubnyk was an absolute sieve against the Jets, but he was getting beaten through his arm and body. Corey Crawford had his catching glove abused by the Capitals in the opener. Cory Schneider didn’t get beaten five-hole once by the Penguins.

But even goals that don’t go through the legs, it could still be a case of the smaller pads. Goalies could be uncomfortable knowing they are giving up more five-hole room and are overcompensating, which is leading to them being more vulnerable elsewhere.

Really, you’re going to have to ask each individual goaltender after a few weeks. Some may adjust, some may struggle with it. If you see your local goaltender on the street, ask him about the space between his legs and see what he says.

Hi Dave!

Big fan. What did you think of the Patrick Roy incident the other night? I thought it was really funny. Do you think he will eventually commit a murder before the season is over?

Thank you,

Davey
North Jersey

Roy, a famous hot head, lost his cool at the final horn when Corey Perry began chirping him. Everyone focuses on Roy trying to shove the glass onto Bruce Boudreau, perhaps an attempt to place him into some sort of Phantom Zone, but the thing that set off Roy was some chirping after a five-goal victory.

A FIVE-GOAL VICTORY!

So what’s going to happen when the Avs drop four in a row? Murder, that’s what.

The day after the loss, the Avs will hold a practice, perhaps on the road, perhaps in Phoenix. Roy will be putting his team through drills, when Gabriel Landeskog will question something his coach wants him to do. Roy stops the practice, skates over to Landeskog, smiling. He puts his arm around him, feigning interest in his young star’s suggestion. Roy will then slip behind Landeskog and break his neck in front of the entire team. He will point at Landeskog’s corpse sprawled out at center ice and scream, “Look! Look at what you all made me do!”

Out of fear, the team will stay quiet about the murder. The Avs will say Landeskog quit the team to join the Peace Corps and moved to Western Africa. During an interview weeks later, Matt Duchene will break down in tears when asked how much the team misses Landeskog. As he’s about to confess his coach’s crime, Roy will poke his head in the locker room and make a throat-slitting gesture at Duchene.

This will go on all season until an enterprising reporter takes notice that 14 Avs have joined the Peace Corps and the team is in last place. A judge will sentence Roy to a life sentence of coaching the Avs.

Hello.

Will the Red Wings dominate the East?

DJ from NJ

Yes. I know a 2-1 win at home against the Sabres is a moral loss, but they controlled the play and only Ryan Miller and bunch of dumb Wings penalties kept that from being 7-1. The Red Wings should win every single game they play against the Eastern Conference, even games started by Jonas Gustavsson.

The only thing that could stop the Wings is boredom. The reason why they are such an elite team is because they played in an elite conference. Playing against the best of the best so often brings out the best in teams. Sometimes teams rise to the level of their competition, but sometimes they play down to the opposition.

If you play the Panthers, Sabres and Lightning enough times, you could fall into a trap of believing you can operate at 80 percent and still win. That could bite you against teams like the Penguins and Bruins.

So really, the only thing that can stop the Red Wings is if they fall asleep during a game. So the Eastern Conference offers the same challenge to the Wings that listening to a Radiohead album offers to the world.

(E-mail dave111177 at gmail dot com if you want a question answered next week that isn’t from a guy named Dave in New Jersey)


Comments (21)

  1. Looks like I don’t have to worry about paying a homeless guy this week, Dave Lozo volunteered for the job!

  2. Great questions from the Dave’s in New Jersey…

    That was a really entertaining “article” Dave! it made my work day less terrible.

    thanks,

  3. Awesome, just awesome. Well done Dave.

  4. Colton Orr’s diary is incredibly classless. Your mailbag loses any legitimacy when people already think you’re an asshole, Dave.

  5. I laughed myself silly. “Lupes hacked my diary!”

  6. That diary was amazing, complete with spelling errors. I love this blog, however, now I’m scared to read this in the office.

  7. “Randi Carlily says they have George Parros now. He’s a good friend. I like him a lot. I really hope I get to punch him in the face.” …. pure gold

  8. Drivel, pure and simple. There’s a saying about crap like this: “sarcasm is the lowest form of wit”. This isn’t even good sarcasm. Lowest of the low.Take a bow…

  9. Love the “Flowers for Algernon” reference… if that’s what it is?

  10. Pretty low brow crap there, Lozo. Do you really have so little pride in yourself as to publish this sort of garbage under your own name? I’m really starting to feel sad for you man. Get over your spastic anti-fight flailing and maybe try writing something that the average eighth grader couldn’t.

  11. Would pay good money to see an encounter between Lozo and Orr in a back alley. Easy to hide behind a computer screen Dave!

    • I’d rather see Orr go after Canadian ice dancing icon Elvis Stojko. The Big E would slice him to ribbons with spins and camels before the galoot knew he was bleeding out.

  12. In Colton’s defense, you can’t light farts on a plane, you’ll get in trouble.

  13. Wow that wasn’t even funny. If you’re going to rip a guy via a weak classless blog entry, at least make it funny. So weak.

  14. Not gonna lie, I thought this was going to be legit at first. I started questioning it at the part about fighting the homeless then questioned it even more with the titanic part. I then realized he wouldn’t spell his own coach’s name wrong and busted out laughing cause this is hilarious.

  15. Dave, though I respectfully disagree, I understand your position on fighting. However, I can’t figure out your problem is with Fruity Pebbles – they’re delicious!

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