Mid-July. It’s the worst time of year for a sports fan. Let us count the ways.
1. Baseball, the only true sport during the heart of summer, takes three days off to play an All-Star Game no one wants to watch. The spectacle includes the torture of American civilians, as Chris Berman screams the word BACK for three consecutive hours during the HR Derby.
2. Football is still seven weeks away.
3. Basketball is still…I don’t know. Whatever.
4. The oppressive heat of July is especially terrible for the sports fan, for the sports fan is generally overweight and out of shape, thus leaving him or her sweating through parts of their bodies no one else dare dreams.
5. Most importantly, the NHL season is in the desert of emptiness. The rush of free agency a week old, fans go into a painful detox, twitching in their beds as the signings of Harry Zolnierczyk and Benn Ferriero serve as the useless drug to treat the sweats and vomiting caused by NHL withdrawal. The new season is still more than two months away, and times are tough.
That pain hockey fans feel is felt even more by people who run hockey Web sites, as there is just simply nothing to write about these days. That’s why you see heated 11-hour Twitter debates about where to place a locker-room logo. It’s the hockey person’s way of dealing with withdrawal by lashing out at those they love.
Instead of being a hockey writer who waits around for stories to write about – the Olympics! – why not be a proactive hockey writer and write about the stories that aren’t true but you wish they were? That’s journalism, people. You can’t spell journalism without fiction.
So without further ado, although I do love ado, here are the five biggest hockey stories of the offseason that haven’t happened but I hope they do. Read the rest of this entry »