In the interests of fairness, this is also completely absurd.
When the NHL officially announced that they were locking out the players, they crafted a message directed towards the fans that attempted to frame the lockout in as positive a light as possible. They didn’t quite succeed. From the silliness of claiming they were “negotiating around the clock” to the flat-out deceitfulness of suggesting that the previous CBA was “developed jointly with the NHL Players’ Association,” the message didn’t exactly resonate.
My favourite part was the irony of suggesting that the necessary adjustments to the CBA “are attainable through sensible, focused negotiation — not through rhetoric.” In case you’re not seeing the irony, the entire “message to the fans” is rhetoric from the NHL.
Most of the teams around the NHL simply put up the boilerplate NHL statement on their respective websites, alongside stories about their prospects and alumni, since they can’t do anything with their current players. A few teams simply avoided any mention of the lockout whatsoever on their websites, but 9 teams put together their own team-specific messages to their fans.
They’re all fairly similar: each team claims they have the most loyal fans in the league and each team appears to be far more optimistic and hopeful than those loyal fans. But since this is an absurd situation, there are also plenty of moments of absurdity in every single message to the fans. Here are the 10 most absurd sentences:
“This guy” is named Iiro Vehmanen, and he plays for TuTo of Finland’s second league. This was the season opener for his club, who successfully took down the also-uniquely-named KooKoo 3-2 in a shootout.
One of my favourite things to do in the world, to this day, is to handle a hard orange hockey ball with a light stick with a huge curve on a smooth surface, and fire it a road hockey net. If there’s a goalie in net, I could do that for hours. I’m turning 30 in December, and I could literally do that from now until bedtime tonight if I could find a willing goalie. Especially if there’s a “Now” CD in the boombox, or even better “Jock Jams.”
The problem with the obsession that I had as a kid was that it cost my parents thousands upon thousands in property damage (quite literally). I just couldn’t help myself.
The off-season for ice hockey means one thing: road hockey season. It seems like a fitting time to write my parents an apology.
Lately we’ve seen growth in a relatively new style of website. These sites are designed solely to tell you one thing, and one thing only. For example, you could buy the domain name didbournetweetacatpic.com, and update it to simply the word, in huge font, NO today (it’s still early, gimme time). That way people could go to that site, and boom, instant info.
Of course, they’re all meant to be a joke, and frankly, I think they’re jokes that hit. The Kings had a number of them going for awhile during the past season.
It tells you a few more details than just “yes” or “no,” but the idea’s the same. Be sure to bookmark it Islanders fans- it includes a ticker of days left on his current contract! (Warning: number may give you an aneurysm .)
History has been made. Today is a day that will go down in infamy. Other platitudes that people say when important things happen. We have officially seen the first inter-sport trade. Steve Nash has been traded to the LA Kings. What, you don’t believe me? It was on TV, it must be true. Not only was it on TV, it was on the Toronto-based, 24-hour news channel CP24, obviously the most reliable name in news. “But Jake,” I hear you saying, “this makes absolutely no sense. What kind of blog post is this?” To which I say, “pish posh, this is a blog post reminiscent of the great Cronkite blogs during the war.”
Seriously, it happened. Look
Personally, I can’t wait to see what this trade will do for the Stanley Cup champs. They’re already so strong in their front six and you have to figure that Nash will just add even more depth. I can’t wait to see Anze Kopitar spread the ice, taking stretch passes from Nash. And for all those scrambles in front of the net, Nash’s soccer skills could definitely come in handy. Skate to stick will never have seemed so fluid, so smooth, so Nash.
In a way, this could mean big things for the NHL and its future success in America. In another, more accurate way, this means nothing and is stupid. Clean it up, CP24.
In other news, I really want to know if they ever found that man they sought in that high-speed chase. North York is both too fast and too furious.
I may be the only one, but I actually enjoyed the NHL Awards show this year. Thankfully, they chose to forego having the painfully unfunny Jay Mohr as the host for the third year running, instead choosing to go with no host at all. It turned out to be a good decision: the celebrity presenters were hit and miss, but considering they were only on stage for a few minutes at a time, the misses didn’t ruin the show and the hits didn’t overstay their welcome.
It wasn’t perfect by any means: the entire feel of the show doesn’t really fit the humble, team-first style of hockey and they’re a little too desperate to validate their celebrity guests by naming the specific team that they’re a fan of and that they really do go to the games. But overall, it was an enjoyable and functional show: there were a few laughs, a few endearing moments, and NHL players received NHL awards. Considering that’s the entire point of the exercise, it was a success.
After the jump, the highlights and lowlights of the NHL Awards.