I think we can all agree that “NBA Jam” is the greatest thing to happen to the Wii since Netflix came out with streaming for the console. It was an awesome game back in the day, the screenshots look great and, by most accounts, it’s a quality update that’s been long overdue. The 10-year-old inside all of us is very happy, I am sure. Even more exciting is the fact that EA Sports was wise enough to keep one of the best features of the original — unlockable characters. Playing with Bill Clinton was hilarious in 1996, and I’d be willing to bet the same is true for playing as Joe Biden now. That Cheshire grin is quite charming, after all.

But it’s not just presidents and vice-presidents that make up the game’s hidden characters this time around. No, my friends, it’s a whole mess of mid-90s legends, all with their own special requirements for being unlocked. Some of them are very, very funny. For instance:

  • Unlocking Larry Johnson is called “Ball Hog,” and you have to win a game without allowing your teammate to score. This makes sense for a guy that averaged three assists a game for his career.
  • If you beat the computer in a 2-on-2 game without pushing your opponent over it’s called the “Gentleman,” and you’ll unlock Mark Price. Must have something to do with the side-part.
  • To play as Dan Majerle, you have to score 100 points in a game (“Century Scorer”) because we all remember all those times that Majerle scored 100 or more in a game. Classic NBA moments.

“NBA Jam” is keeping it real, yet again. Full list of unlockable characters after the jump, courtesy of Kotaku.

Allen Iverson – Elusive // Perform 10 successful shove counters.

Beastie Boys Team – 3 The Hard Way // Defeat the Beastie Boys team in Remix Tour.

Brad Daugherty – Double Up // Beat the CPU in a 2V2 game by doubling their score or better.

Bill Laimbeer, Isiah Thomas – Central Division Represent // Beat the Central Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

Bryant Reeves – 100 Club // Win 100 games.

Chris Mullin, Tim Hardaway - Pacific Division Represent // Beat the Pacific Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

Chuck Person – Fired Up // Get On Fire 4 times in a single game.

Clyde Drexler – NBA Domination // Beat Classic Campaign with a team from each division in the NBA.

Dan Majerle – Century Scorer // Score 100 points in one game.

Danny Manning – Grand Scorer // Score 1,000 points.

David Robinson – Glass Cleaner // Grab 10 rebounds in one game.

Dennis Rodman – How Rude // Perform 10 successful shoves in one game.

Detlef Schrempf – No “I” in Team // Win a 2P game vs. the CPU.

Dominique Wilkins, Spud Webb – Southeast Division Represent // Beat the Southeast Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

Drazen Petrovic – The Spirit of Competition // Complete a game of 21 against a friend.

Dr. J – High Flyer // Perform 10 successful alley-oops.

George Gervin – Buzzer Beater // Hit a Buzzer Beater shot to win a 2 V 2 game.

Glen Rice – Triple up // Beat the CPU in a 2V2 game by tripling their score or better.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Kenny Smith – Southwest Division Represent // Beat the Southwest Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

James Worthy – You Must be Butter // Go on a 10 game win streak in Classic Campaign.

John Starks, Patrick Ewing – Atlantic Division Represent // Beat the Atlantic Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

John Stockton, Karl Malone – Northwest Division Represent // Beat the Northwest Division Legend Team in Classic Campaign.

Kenny Anderson – Sticky Fingers // Steal the ball 10 times in one game.

Kevin Johnson – Ultimate Teammate // Beat the CPU in a 2V2 game with your drone teammate scoring all of the points.

Kevin McHale – Feelin’ It // Perform 10 successful jump shots.

Larry Bird, Magic Johnson – Bird / Magic Superteam // Beat the Bird/Magic Superteam in Classic Campaign.

Larry Johnson – Ball Hog // Win a game without allowing your teammate to score.

Manute Bol – Block Party // Perform 10 successful blocks.

Mark Price - Gentleman // Beat the CPU in a 2V2 game without shoving.

Mitch Richmond – 10K Scorer // Score 10,000 points.

Nick Anderson – First Game Jitters // Complete a Play Now Game.

Orlando Magic Shaq – Smash It // Beat the CPU in Backboard Smash.

Rony Seikaly – Throw It Down, Big Man // Dunk the ball 10 times in one game.

Scott Skiles – Dominant Distributor // Get 30 Assists with one player in one game.

Scottie Pippen – Stringin’ Em Together // Go on a 5 game win streak in Classic Campaign.

Stickman Team – Operation Stickman // Defeat the Stickman Team in Classic Campaign.