This season marks the beginning of a new era for the Miami Heat, and we’re not just talking about hats. Lesser players have been replaced as superstars have joined the team. Old goals like winning a playoff series have been pushed to the side as the team has set its sights on taking home a title. Heck, even Erik Spoelstra is considering changing the spelling of his name to the more common “Eric.” Now is the time for the Heat to really embrace this fresh start they’ve been given. Out with the old, in with the new. The grass is always greener on the other side. Other clichés like these two.

And that’s why Dwyane Wade wants to change his nickname.

According to Ira Winderman at the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Wade “will no longer go by Flash.” Fine by me, since I thought everyone called him “D-Wade” anyway. But, like Glen Davis before him, Dwyane is hoping to rid himself of a nickname he was given early in his career. And while Davis will always be “Big Baby” because of how much he looks like a huge infant, Wade could use a better moniker because Flash is kind of boring for such an exciting player.

Here are some excellent suggestions:

  • “Wayne Dwade” — Kind of feel like this will be a below-average Florida rapper’s name within three years.
  • Dwyane “Paid” Wade — Admittedly, this sounds like a boxer’s nickname, but you cannot deny that Wade just signed a $100 million contract this summer because that is very true.
  • “Tetraodontidwyane” — A portmanteau of Wade’s first name and the scientific name for the puffer fish. Not only does it roll off the tongue, it also makes reference to Wade’s cheeks and the fact that he is deadly, as the puffer fish is generally considered the second-most poisonous vertebrate in the world. Science.
  • “The Looks” — This would have to be part of a series of Heat nicknames with “The Brain” and “The Brawn” being Pat Riley and LeBron James. In this situation, Chris Bosh would be “The Head,” which is like when huge guys get the nickname “Tiny.”
  • “DW” — Simple and easy to remember, but ultimately very confusing because most people know DW as a character from a kid’s show who is five years old and also a mammal of some sort.
  • “Frank” — Seems like a good, strong name even if it doesn’t really relate to anything.

Obviously, these are all very good choices for Dwyane Wade’s new nickname.

However, you might be able to do better, so let’s hear ‘em in the comments.

(via PBT)

Comments (17)

  1. His new name should be Sleepy

  2. Chris Bosh would be “The Head,” which is like when huge guys get the nickname “Tiny.”

    bosh has THE BEST nickname~~~WINNER!

  3. back to dwyane wade’s nickname.

    he has to be called JANA to lebrons ZAN aka THE WONDER TWINS.
    bosh will definitely be GLEEK.

  4. I get the whole thing between him & Shaq and since Shaq gave him the name it kinda makes sense, I guess. But it’s pretty weird to announce you want a new nickname. He better not give himself one.

    I vote Frank! LOL

  5. After what he did this offseason, he should be called “The GM”.
    Let’s face, pat riley helped, but was wade who convinced the guys to come to miami

  6. JC – because he sacrificed ($$$) for us.

  7. I think he should stick with Wade, then we can name the other two after ways to cross a river: LeBron can be Ford (like the truck, tough) and Bosh can be Ferry (for obvious reasons).

    I get all of my material from “Oregon Trail.”

  8. we take it back to what his nickname should always have been: pooky. you can’t tell everyone your moms calls you pooky and get away with it. never forget.

  9. I don’t think he can do that?

    Isn’t Shaq the autority on nicknames in the NBA? Doesn’t everything have to be co-signed by the Big DIesel/Cactus/Shamrock/Aristotle/Doofus?

    Yup, asking for your nickname to change sucks… You know the new one will usually not stuck… People just stumble on nicknames! You can have a lot of nicknames, don’t get rid of any, just let people find new ones…

    He better not chose himself a new one, that’s for sure…

    And yeah, everyone calls him D-Wade anyway, which sucks…

  10. d-bag wade suits him just fine

  11. His new nickname? You guessed… Frank Stallone

  12. Robin, because he gets a lot of steals and Lebron is Batman. Lebron is Batman because he has taken his talents to South Beach aka “a wanker”.

  13. How about Merlin?

  14. MV3. Still fits, the better LeBron plays the more he deserves it.

    The Red Right Hand?

    The Double-Tap. ‘Coz if the first one doesn’t kill ya…

    Moses. It was Moses that led his people to the promised land, right?

    The Burning Bush. No, wait, that’s the Miami Heat dancers. Oops, they’re Brazilian. Geddit?

    Erik Spoelstra’s Personal Jesus.

    ‘Excuse Me!!!’. Because he’s so exciting that every time he throws down a thunderous dunk, you’ll fart, or pee If you’re a female, who’s had at least 2 children.

    I know. ‘Zues’. Hence the thunderous dunks. Or is that Poseidon? Zues is cooler.

    Master Wade. ’nuff said. I actually do like this one.

    Dwayne ‘The Pain’ Wade. He’s going to hurt some people this year. Or should I say ‘Burn’ some people this year? So…

    The Human Torch. He should have had this nickname since his first nasty dunk in a Heat uniform.

    Master Pain. See all above. Just throwing it out there.

    The Eviscerator? A little macabre perhaps. Probably better-suited to DeMarcus Cousins. (speaking if whom; his coach gets to yell “Run DMC!” on defense. All.Year.Long. Cool.)

    I have some suggestions for LeBron & Bosh too!

    I know. “Awesome!” you say.

    LeBron aint the King no more, he’s one of 3. Well, two & three-quarters maybe, but then you have to credit Haslem & Miller too, which gets complicated with all the fractions & what-not.

    How about The Missing Link? Too Cliched? (dunno how to do accents in this stupid little box, I feel so restricted…) Advanced Man? Future Man? Homo-Sapien Neo-Athleticus? Freak? Whatever. Science can’t classify him, what hope do I have?

    As for Mr. Bosh…

    As a fan of the Miami Heat I applaud you’re decision. But…

    For the Raptors fans; I give you…

    “South Biatch”.

    I like Bosh, but that’s pretty funny. It’s also all I could come up with, apart from Pinhead, which seems a little harsh. Seriously Chris, grow the dreads again.

    I hope D-Wade doesn’t choose his own moniker, he’s too cool for that. For the sake of PR I suggest LBJ comes up with something awesome. However, if the man himself happens upon this article & ensuing comment, I’d like to offer this one last suggestion…

    (drum roll please…)

    TBJ. Because he’s That. Damned. Good.

    …excuse me, i need to wipe my chin…
    …too many cocks to suck…

    That goes for you too Holly. Especially, actually. You’re hot.

    Seriously though, a moment of respect please…

    Trey, I wasn’t sure about you at first, but you’re growing on me dude. Nice work lately, I look forward to reading more of your material.

    Tas, J.E. & Co. Thanks for bringing us the fan’s perspective & not just for keeping it real, but for being real.

    Your podcasts are like my invisible friend here, inebriated & talking shit, you know, the friend I don’t have. Lonely are the days that I come home from work & don’t get to watch a TBJ podcast. You’re like family, no really…

    OK, maybe not, but you’re pretty cool. Cheers.

  15. [...] have had about him since July 8.Of course, there aren’t quite as many questions facing the Artist Formerly Sometimes Known as Flash. Mostly, it’s just a case of him trying to bring a title back to Miami, which is what this ad [...]

  16. ROFLMAO on Chris Bosh’s nickname… you seriously know how to make fun of them.. You the shit Trey! HAHAHAHA

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