What do you get for the man who has everything?

It’s a question all NBA players must wonder this time of year, what with their extravagant salaries and propensity for purchasing whatever they want. The answer, I assume, is more things. After all, some things need replacing and some things are worth having more than once. Problem solved.

But what things do you get? Kevin Love has the answers, as long as you’re asking about the Timberwolves. He filled GQ in on what he’d be getting his teammates and gave them explanations as well. Here are his best suggestions:

Mike Beasley: A SpongeBob SquarePants: The Collectors Edition DVD Box Set.
Whenever we’re in the training room, he’s got SpongeBob on the TV and he’s sitting there laughing his ass off. It helps him relax, I guess. That’s just Beasley. Sometimes somebody will walk in and see him, shake their head and just keep on moving.

Corey Brewer: An unlimited, all-you-can-eat, lifetime pass to the Old Country Buffet.
We need to put some weight on that guy. Because he is 6-foot-9, 185 pounds. Which is insane.

Bassy Telfair: A new set of very expensive earrings.
Oh man. He has very nice jewelry, and early on in the season we were messing around on the bus—he was hitting me in the face, giving me wet willies, so I smacked him, and his earring fell out. And we could never find it. I felt terrible. Let’s just say it was a pretty nice earring. Luckily insurance pays for stuff like that. But still, let’s get him a new one for Christmas.

Kosta Koufos: A lifetime supply of CertainDri anti-perspirant.
He sweats constantly, like no one I’ve ever seen. He reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly, when Ben Stiller’s face gets mashed into that guys sweaty chest. Kosta is that guy.

Kevin Love: One free grooming seminar from GQ‘s style experts.
In case you didn’t know, there is a lot of irony in me doing a blog for GQ. I can’t grow my beard in all the way. I’m not at all well-groomed. I could use the help.

Two things:

1) Kevin Love is a terrible gift-giver. No one likes getting things they need for Christmas. It’s all about wants, duh.

2) Kevin Love is a good blogger. A satirical look at Christmas involving metaphorical gifts for Christmas? That’s genius. Plus, self-deprecating beard jokes. He knows where the big bucks are.

But really, you should hop over to Love’s blog and read his suggestions for the entire Timberwolves team. At the very least, you might get some ideas for your dad. He’s really hard to shop for, so you might need some help.