Carmelo is officially on record — in bold print, no less — proclaiming that his wife, LaLa Vasquez, has “nothing to do with [him] leaving or staying.” Fair enough. In fact, we’ve uncovered a bunch of other things that La La definitely has not asked Carmelo to do.

  • Get some eggs from Trader Joe’s. The brown ones, not white. Organic, if they’re available.
  • Pick up some dishwashing stuff, too. The tablets, because they clean better.
  • Check outside to see if the garbage blew over last night.
  • Call about his 401k to see what he needs to do to get it to rollover in to a self-directed IRA.
  • Put the seat down. Seriously.
  • Rub La La’s back.
  • Stop inviting J.R. over so often. He’s always messing with the cat and Binky doesn’t like it.
  • Email the mortgage guy about executive rentals.
  • Plan a nice date night. And no, seeing “Tron:Legacy” then going to the original Chipotle doesn’t count.
  • Check her car to see if she needs an oil change.
  • Empty the filter before vacuuming.
  • Empty the filter before drying clothes.
  • Basically, if he sees a bunch of dust or dirt in something that’s used for cleaning, throw that out before starting the cleaning.
  • Tighten the toilet paper holder downstairs.
  • Call Leon Rose.
  • Take her to see “No Strings Attached” on opening night.

You see, these are all things Carmelo Anthony does just because he loves his wife. She doesn’t have to ask him, because she knows it makes him happy to make her happy, and doing these things — totally of his own accord, jeez — makes her happy. That’s the secret to a successful marriage, people.