According to Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra, “There [were] a couple guys crying in the locker room” after the Heat’s loss to the Bulls yesterday. But which ones? TBJ is here to figure it out…

LeBron James
Why It Was Him:
Looks like he was crying at the postgame press conference. Crying would prove once and for all that he is human.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Crying isn’t good for the brand. “A LeBron James team is never desperate.” Tear ducts clogged with money and custom-made cakes.

Dwyane Wade
Why It Was Him:
Sheds a tear every time he doesn’t get a foul call or is called for a foul. Looks like he was crying at the postgame press conference. Refused to answer whether or not he was crying.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Seems more angry than sad at the loss, stating, “The Miami Heat are exactly what everyone wanted, losing games. The world is better now because the Heat is losing.” Dating Gabrielle Union. Is Jordan Brand’s signature athlete and MJ would only cry after a championship win.

Chris Bosh
Why It Was Him:
Has cried after a loss in the past. Thought he saw LeBron and Dwyane crying at their press conference so he figured it was OK. Wasn’t invited to sit in on the LeBron/Dwyane press conference.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Denied it.

Erick Dampier
Why It Was Him:
Would make his nickame — “Damp” — pretty much perfect.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Seems incapable of human emotion.

Mario Chalmers
Why It Was Him:
Because first he was benched for Carlos Arroyo who was eventually released, and then they brought in Mike Bibby because the Heat don’t think he’s good enough. Sad that his sideburns won’t connect to his goatee.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Alaskans try not to cry for fear that their faces will freeze.

Mike Miller
Why It Was Him:
Because he’s the guy who fouled Luol Deng, which led to Deng hitting two free throws that won the game. Somebody told him his haircut was stupid.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Too cool to cry.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Why It Was Him:
Not possible.
Why It Wasn’t Him: A seasoned hitman would not cry over a basketball game, not after what he’s seen.

Mike Bibby
Why It Was Him:
Is a whiny little weirdo. Doesn’t get to wear No. 10, which makes all of his tattoos nonsensical.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Face made of plastic.

James Jones
Why It Was Him:
Because he only got 8 minutes and one shot.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Not much to cry about. Made his one shot, a three, and was a +5 in those 8 minutes. Definitely not his fault the Heat lost.

Joel Anthony
Why It Was Him:
Because he didn’t play.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Because he didn’t play.

Eddie House
Why It Was Him:
Freaks out about everything, so why not a loss? Because no one let him shoot threes during the game. Cries every day at least once ever since James Jones was given a trophy for being the best three-point shooter in the NBA.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Seems like he’s always aggressively happy.

Juwan Howard
Why It Was Him:
Getting sentimental in his old age. Hates to see his kids upset.
Why It Wasn’t Him: Has been through a lot worse, like his tour in Korea and the attempted assassination of President Harry Truman.

Were I a betting man, I’d put money on the criers being Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Mario Chalmers. Wade wouldn’t answer if he was crying or not, so that incriminates him in my mind. Bosh denied crying, saying he “almost did,” which means he really did, duh. Chalmers has the look of a crier. Just my guesses.

Agree? Disagree? Let’s hear below.