A wise person once said, “All rappers want to be basketball players and all basketball players want to be rappers.” I don’t know who was the first person to say this, but Google’s trying to tell me it was Carmelo Anthony’s wife La La Vazquez, and I’m not buying that.
The video at the top of this post was sent to me by theScore colleagues James Sharpe and Derek Snider, and it provided me with the inspiration to find the very worst rap songs and videos ever made by NBA players. Taste in music is subjective, but I’d like to believe that we can objectively agree that the five YouTube clips posted below are supremely craptastic.
Right off the bat, you’ll notice the absence of Shaq, Ron Artest and Allen Iverson in this list — this is because those three actually aren’t all that terrible compared to a lot of other NBA hip-hop wannabes. In fact, I maintain that “What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock)” by Fu-Schnickens and Shaq is the best rap song featuring an NBA player, ever. Yeah, I said it.
Without further ado, here are my picks for the five worst NBA player rap videos of all-time.
5. Tony Parker — Top of the Game (suggested by @teaguejd)
I can’t say for certain whether or not Tony Parker would be a decent rapper if English was his first language. But it doesn’t matter because he’s rapping in French and therefore automatically sounds ridiculous. Hey, if the French get to be snotty about their cuisine, fashion and culture, North Americans can laugh at French people trying to appropriate hip-hop. Would you buy a German country album? And no, David Hasselhoff doesn’t count.
4. Dennis Scott — All Night Party (suggested by @LarryLankLank)
There’s no actual video for this track from 1994′s NBA baller compilation “B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret”, but Dennis Scott’s rapping on this song is so awful that this is one secret that should have been locked away at Area 51 where the U.S. Government supposedly keeps alien spaceships. (Ed. note — It’s true. We also keep Andrew DeClercq there.)
3. The Vx Featuring Daniel Gibson – She Can Get it
The first 30 seconds of this video is sort of humorous as we absorb the concept that the song is being performed by sock puppets. Then the joke stops being funny and there’s still 4:28 left in the song. Whoever produced this track put as much effort into the beat as the director put into the video.
2. Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks – “K.O.B.E” (suggested by pretty much everyone)
I’ve long believed that our brains are hard-wired to be naturally good at certain things and inept at others. Kobe Bryant is a very good basketball player — nobody of sound mind would dispute that. Unfortunately, he’s a terrible rapper. He’s not riding the beat here so much as he’s crashing it into a brick wall. Coincidentally, Tyra Banks also had sex with the star of the worst NBA player rap video of all-time…
1. Chris Webber – “Too Much Drama”
Too much drama? More like too few time outs, am I right? Waka waka! Seriously though, I can’t decide what the most unintentionally hilarious part of this video is: the overwrought gospel intro, nonsensical rhymes like “the higher the level, sometimes I guess the higher the devil,” or trying-hard-to-be-clever lines like “They blind, I’m braille so feel me.” If they haven’t played this video while he’s on NBA TV yet, they need to do this tomorrow.