A wise person once said, “All rappers want to be basketball players and all basketball players want to be rappers.” I don’t know who was the first person to say this, but Google’s trying to tell me it was Carmelo Anthony’s wife La La Vazquez, and I’m not buying that.

The video at the top of this post was sent to me by theScore colleagues James Sharpe and Derek Snider, and it provided me with the inspiration to find the very worst rap songs and videos ever made by NBA players. Taste in music is subjective, but I’d like to believe that we can objectively agree that the five YouTube clips posted below are supremely craptastic.

Right off the bat, you’ll notice the absence of Shaq, Ron Artest and Allen Iverson in this list — this is because those three actually aren’t all that terrible compared to a lot of other NBA hip-hop wannabes. In fact, I maintain that “What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock)” by Fu-Schnickens and Shaq is the best rap song featuring an NBA player, ever. Yeah, I said it.

Without further ado, here are my picks for the five worst NBA player rap videos of all-time.

5. Tony Parker — Top of the Game (suggested by @teaguejd)

I can’t say for certain whether or not Tony Parker would be a decent rapper if English was his first language. But it doesn’t matter because he’s rapping in French and therefore automatically sounds ridiculous. Hey, if the French get to be snotty about their cuisine, fashion and culture, North Americans can laugh at French people trying to appropriate hip-hop. Would you buy a German country album? And no, David Hasselhoff doesn’t count.

4. Dennis Scott — All Night Party (suggested by @LarryLankLank)

There’s no actual video for this track from 1994′s NBA baller compilation “B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret”, but Dennis Scott’s rapping on this song is so awful that this is one secret that should have been locked away at Area 51 where the U.S. Government supposedly keeps alien spaceships. (Ed. note — It’s true. We also keep Andrew DeClercq there.)

3. The Vx Featuring Daniel Gibson – She Can Get it

The first 30 seconds of this video is sort of humorous as we absorb the concept that the song is being performed by sock puppets. Then the joke stops being funny and there’s still 4:28 left in the song. Whoever produced this track put as much effort into the beat as the director put into the video.

2. Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks – “K.O.B.E” (suggested by pretty much everyone)

I’ve long believed that our brains are hard-wired to be naturally good at certain things and inept at others. Kobe Bryant is a very good basketball player — nobody of sound mind would dispute that. Unfortunately, he’s a terrible rapper. He’s not riding the beat here so much as he’s crashing it into a brick wall. Coincidentally, Tyra Banks also had sex with the star of the worst NBA player rap video of all-time…

1. Chris Webber – “Too Much Drama”

Too much drama? More like too few time outs, am I right? Waka waka! Seriously though, I can’t decide what the most unintentionally hilarious part of this video is: the overwrought gospel intro, nonsensical rhymes like “the higher the level, sometimes I guess the higher the devil,” or trying-hard-to-be-clever lines like “They blind, I’m braille so feel me.” If they haven’t played this video while he’s on NBA TV yet, they need to do this tomorrow.

Comments (21)

  1. Concur on the Fu-Schnickens, that was a great song.

    Don’t knock “Baguette” too hard. “Balance Troi” was slightly enjoyable.

  2. It is only right that you go with the top 5 (if there are 5) rap tracks featuring NBA players next. Off the top of my head “Can’t Stop the Reign” with Shaq and Biggie would have to be on there.

  3. Dishonourable mention should also go to “What the Kidd Did” by of course Jason Kidd, also off of “B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret”

    Awesome subject for a post!

  4. regretlesspanda: I listened to all the songs from that album, and Dennis Scott’s joint was definitely the worst. None of those songs have actual videos (as far as I could find) so I wanted to limit myself to just one track from that album so the other picks would include actual music videos. Kidd’s contribution might have been the second-worst of the bunch.

  5. Too Much Drama was a good track, guys

  6. I won’t argue the top 5 even though Chris webber is one of my all time fav player. Damn that track is terrible….

    What I strongly disagree about is the fact you have to be american to embrace hip hop and come out with something good. There are quite some really good european hip hop artist, including some french ones. Check the most notorious, IAM for example. Never heard about The Streets (UK) ?

    Couple disclaimers : I’m not french. And yes Tony Parker skills at rapping are abismal (it even sound worse when you understand the lyrics).

    It’s like basket ball, you used to think only americans could do well in that sport. ;-)

  7. oldschool: I’m not casting aspersion on all foreign rappers, just the French ones. I’m a big Dizzee Rascal fan.

  8. oldschool: I’m not casting aspersion on all foreign rappers, just the French ones. I’m a big Dizzee Rascal fan.

  9. The beat on the what the kid did is pretty sick. Livin Legal and Large by Gary Payton is alot better then the majority of the garbage out today

  10. Nice to see that there are ppl out there that teach our kids that it’s ok to be bad at school… NOT! Dang they just basically said that everything that they did wrong was ok cuz they are ballin’ now… not a good video

  11. It’s not online anymore, but I think that Ron Artest’s “Afghan Women” has got to be up there.

  12. Scott, you forgot Brian Scalabrine’s “Scal Says (LeBron James diss track)” — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1lVaYcJ5bQ

  13. I’m French so I’m biased, but France is kind of the 2nd country of hip-hop if you go by number of artists and if you account the fact that French hip-hop gooes back to the 80s…

    Here are some examples of French rap, ‘cuz it would be really unfair to judge french rap by Tony Parker. That way you can gat an educated judgement:

    “old school” (pre-2000s):

    IAM
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFx82pSFkn0
    NTM
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sqNqbfCGIo
    Doc Gyneco
    Menelik
    Expression Direkt
    Ideal J
    MC Solaar
    Saian Supa Crew
    Monsieur R

    “new school” (post-2000:)

    Booba
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZmCwtYk98A
    Oxmo Puccino
    La Fouine
    Soprano
    Disiz la peste
    Klub des Loosers
    Hocus Pocus
    La Cellule

    France is supposedly a “good place” for rap if only because of the “ghettoisation” of poor people in suburban “banlieues” where unnemployement can go up to 45%. That’s terrbile, but it makes for socially aware rap.

    Bare in mind that I’m actually not really into french rap (I actually hate some of the rappers I suggested). Wanted to put more links, but my comment seemed “a bit spammy”, so there.

  14. how bout the best of all time? champion by my man ron artest

  15. You’re tripping Scott, there’s plenty of good French rappers such as La Fouine, just check this track: http://www.google.be/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CCQQtwIwAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.com%2Fwatch%2F2505243%2Fla_fouine_du_ferme_clip_officiel_enfin_dispo%2F&ei=Xo6XTc-NFobsOfrEoaQH&usg=AFQjCNESMnc6-0W6BgD_MlRKZiNenpPbMA
    Don’t disparage something because you can’t understand it.
    PS:No, I’m not French

  16. @Maes

    for reals. if anything, French hip-hop is just a whole ‘nother beast compared to American. Just peep this track: http://youtu.be/af096wD9Dms

    now German rap? that’s terrible, but amusing.

  17. How about Ron artest showing up in the Toni Braxton video? He’s not the feature, but still. Click around 3:20

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cETtDC59-I

  18. Anyone remember Shaqs freestyle that got him kicked off the Police. “Kobe s*** a D***, You can s*** my D***. Phil s*** a d***…

  19. chris webber may be a horrible rapper but he did produce a really nice beat for nas, “blunt ashes” (can’t find a youtube link)

  20. Here is an old article (1999) from sports illustrated about ballers wanting to be rappers

    http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1015985/index.htm

    Just sums up everything: “Rappers and rockers want to be jocks, and pro jocks are dying to score in the music business.”

  21. We totally agree with that garbage Kobe song at #2… we even have “audio footage” of him and Shaq rap battling on our new basketball mixtape. Shaq wins easily. Check it out: http://galacticscoundrels.com/2012/11/02/mixtape-space-jams-and-bball-ballads/

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