Adrian Wojnarowksi of Yahoo! Sports reported today that the Boston Celtics’ team bus was robbed during a late-season loss to the Miami Heat. Not quite crime of the century material, but it really did happen.

When the Boston Celtics climbed on the team bus in the bowels of American Airlines Arena late in the regular season, the mood had been thick with anger and disgust over finally losing to the Miami Heat. Only now, several sources said, the Celitcs discovered a deeper, knifing violation: Someone had snuck onto the bus and stolen cash and belongings from the coaches’ and players’ bags.

“It was pretty bad,” a source told Yahoo! Sports. “A lot of stuff, a lot of money.”

Someone getting robbed is never funny — except for in this commercial, where the guy realizes his house has just been burgled and responds with an exasperated “Ugh, we’ve been robbed,” like he just found out there was nothing good on TV — but I feel like we can have a little fun trying to figure out who masterminded this perfect crime. Because there are some seriously sketchy characters down in Miami, all of whom are capable of perpetrating this theft.

For instance:

  • Jamaal Magloire — Has been stealing money from various NBA franchises for years. Wouldn’t be anything new.
  • Erick Dampier — Samesies.
  • Juwan Howard — Accidentally wandered on to the Celtics bus, forgot where he was at and unknowingly started stealing things. Happens to senior citizens all the time.
  • Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald and Mark Beltzman — Known bus robbers.
  • Carter Verone — After the double-cross he tried to pull on Brian O’Connor and Roman Pearce, I wouldn’t put this sort of thing past him.

As you can see, Miami is crawling with jerks who have nothing better to do than break in to a bus and steal various electronics and monies. And while the actual perp is probably some idiot Heat employee — because it’s not like people are allowed to just putz around professional sports arenas — NBA teams should be able to feel safe when they visit Miami. After all, between detectives Crockett, Tubbs, Lowery, Burnett and Ventura, I’m sure they’ll apprehend the villain.