Remember that guy from Oklahoma who was sentenced to 30 years in prison for armed robbery and shooting with intent to kill, only to ask for his sentence to be increased to 33 years because he was a big Larry Bird fan? Yes, that really happened, way back in 2005. It was an incredible story, both because it’s hilarious and that someone would actually ask for more prison time.
As it turns out, that guy totally regrets asking for three extra years of jail, as anyone in the world could imagine. Here’s the report, from the Boston Herald:
“Now that I have to do that time, yes I do,’’ says Torpy. “I kind of wished that I had 30 instead of 33. Recently I’ve wisened up.
“That three is a big deal, you know? Three years matters.’’
Ha. Sure. “I kind of wished that I had 30 instead of 33.” Took some serious wisening to realize that not spending three extra years in jail is not the best idea in the world. Classic wisening up.
It gets better.
Torpy says he was “basically clowning around’’ when he asked for more time.
“I told them, ‘Look, you might as well just give me three more and give me a number I like,’ ’’ he said. “And I’ve always liked Larry Bird. And I’ve always liked the Boston Celtics.’’
Because of all the publicity his case has generated, he thinks Bird knows about him.
“I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot,’’ says Torpy. “I mean, truthfully, most people do. My own family does, so I’m pretty sure he does, too.’’
OK, so a guy reflecting on the mistakes he’s made that have led him to spend 30 years in jail is not funny. But a guy admitting that Larry Bird probably thinks he’s an idiot because he asked for more jail time in honor of him is hilarious. It just is. Sorry, guy, but at least you seem to have a pretty good sense of humor about it.
In 2033, the year he’s eligible for parole, he will be in his mid-50s. Torpy pondered that for a moment, shook his head, then laughed out loud.
“I’m sorry, Larry Bird,’’ he says, “but I don’t love you that much to hang out to 2033. I’m ready to go out now.’’
As far as convicted felons who may or may not have tried to murder someone during a robbery, this guy’s the best.