Get your NBA fanwiches

ESPN’s new thing is Fanwiches, which are sandwiches made by fans, inspired by athletes. It’s a portmanteau, and it gives us a chance to look at some of the NBA-inspired cuisine. So let’s do that.

This is called starting off with a bang, because this is by far the best sandwich creation. It’s called “The LeBron” and it’s two pieces of wheat bread with nothing else. Except, of course, it does come with the killer zing “I quit making it after Game 5 of the Boston series last year. I figured if he quit so can I.” Top marks.

Also a pretty great entry. The “Durantula” not only pulls in elements of where Kevin Durant comes from — crab legs from D.C., pulled pork from Texas — it also looks like a spider. While this is probably inedible, the concept and execution is top-notch. Plus, any time “Durantula” gets used by a major news outlet, the Internet gets royalty checks.

Get it? You get it.

Check out this monstrosity, the “LeBra-Wa-Bosh,” which makes very little sense from several standpoints. One, LeBron’s name doesn’t have an “A” in it. Two, it comes from Tennessee, giving the sandwich zero relation to anything that has to do with the Miami Heat or LeBron, Wade or Bosh. Three, I don’t quite see the correlation between the ingredients and the guys it is named after. Just a very weird sandwich. That being said, this thing sounds delicious even though it will probably kill you.

You’ve probably already heard of Carnegie Deli’s “The Carmelo,” which even includes Russian dressing as a zing towards Mikhail Prokhorov. Nonetheless, let’s again mention that it would be impossible to even eat this with standard sandwich maneuvers, so I’m not even sure it should count. On the other hand, pastrami is so good.

This shouldn’t count. It’s just a “Wreck” from Potbelly, renamed “MVP” by some guy from Mount Prospect, IL, who thinks Derrick Rose is awesome. And while I like to eat this sandwich, live in Illinois and think Derrick Rose is awesome, I cannot support this gaming of the system. Step your game up, Fanwich creators.

OK, sure. Tony Allen once called Kevin Garnett “the Peanut Butter and Jelly man,” so this makes sense. However, I would only vote for this sandwich if when you tried to eat it, it elbowed you in the throat. Dangerous, but accurate.

Another LeBron sandwich that doesn’t make any sense. Also from a state that doesn’t have any relation to LeBron or the team he plays for. Also sounds delicious. Can no one create an actual LeBron-inspired sandwich? Is this a complete impossibility? Is it because a true LeBron sandwich would have to involve fingernails, which is horribly unsanitary? Someone get to the bottom of this.

Yep — worms on bread, with mayo, vinegar and oil. Gross to look at. Gross to imagine eating. Gross to picture someone even putting this together as a joke. Just a bunch of vomit all around.

So yeah, go vote for your favorite NBA fanwich, if you want. Doesn’t matter to me. I’ll be downstairs making lunch.

Comments (12)

  1. “Gross to look at. Gross to imagine eating. Gross to picture someone even putting this together as a joke. Just a bunch of vomit all around.”
    That sounds very much like Dennis Rodman, in fact.

  2. LOL. True.

  3. Shaq: piece of vegan salami between 2 wheat crackers.

    Russell Westbrook: bunch of mini-cheeseburgers to pass around.

    JJ Barea: 1 double fried carnitas taco.

    Yao: thousand year old egg salad.

  4. I thought Paul Pierce was the PB&J starter… KG just followed..

  5. They’re more into barbecue beef in Texas. Pork is more southeast.

  6. thank you.. i wanted to say it. It’s also not called “Texas University”.

  7. a piece of ginger root on white bread = The Scal
    someone needs to make that happen

  8. @Jacob; I think sometime around 2008, when he was interviewed on ESPN, KG talked about how he started the whole PB&J thing, so I think it was him lol.

  9. As a Texan, there is no reason to include pulled pork. That’s some North Carolina or Tennessee food there. The Durantula should have lots of brisket instead.

  10. If I was high, this stuff would most definitely look edible and delicious. Since I’m not…this stuff looks repulsive.

  11. I have doubt as to whether pepper jack can really “smolder”.

  12. I helped make the Durantula. Very edible. Here’s a link to how it was made. It tastes better than it looks!

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