0:01 — After an errant pass is picked off by LeBron James, Kyle Korver has a 10-foot head start on this one-on-one fast break. He turns at starts sprinting in order to beat LeBron down the court (not happening) in the hopes of, I guess, drawing a charge (Bad Idea Jeans).
0:02 — James has now closed the gap to about five feet, so Korver decides to spin around and start backpedaling because everyone knows you run faster when you use the tiny muscles on the back of your legs rather than those giant ones designed for running that are on the front.
0:03 — More backpedaling. Lots of backpedaling. I count about 58 tiny steps in this one-second of backwards running, which only makes Kyle Korver look like an even better defender than his sterling reputation.
0:04 — Falling down backwards is the new backpedaling, so Kyle Korver does that because he is a trend-hopper. Have you heard of Odd Future? Kyle Korver has. He bought “Goblin” at Best Buy the day it came out and thinks it’s pretty good. He’s radical. Oh, also, Kyle Korver tries to strip the ball as he is falling down, because that usually works and it is always a good idea to barely foul LeBron James when he is shooting. Make him earn that extra point.
0:05 — Kyle Korver is being stepped on and over after trying to out-sprint LeBron James while running backwards and hitting him in the arm and back (?) while he shot. Tyronn Lue is like, “Niiiiiice.”
0:06 — The camera cuts away to LeBron James’ Macho Man tribute, but I am guessing that Kyle Korver is still lying on the ground.
0:07 — Probably still lying on the ground.
0:08 — Gets back up, calls agent and pitches new book idea: “Playing Basketball the Kyle Korver Way.” It has two chapters. The first is called “Gimme the Hot Sauce.” The second is called “Stylin’.” The foreward is written by Ashton Kutcher, who demands and receives a $250,000 check for his one-sentence contribution: “We kinda do look fairly similar.”
0:10 — Tom Thibodeau sends Ronnie Brewer to the scorer’s table, hoping that if he makes the substitution fast enough he can reverse time, thereby erasing the fact that a defensive play such as this one took place on his watch. Due to his minor misunderstanding of quarks and string theory, this plan backfires as Ben Golliver begins ripping this video for repeated viewing.